Chapter 9 The Version of Him That Stayed Too Briefly

The Version of Him That Stayed Too Briefly

Rowan was known for something he never intended to become he was good at showing up only when it was almost too late.

Elira was beginning to recognize that version of him by instinct alone.

The days after her quiet shift passed with an unfamiliar steadiness.

Elira woke.

Worked.

Went home.

No lingering in hallways.

No extra pauses in shared spaces.

No instinctive waiting for a presence that might or might not appear.

It wasn't numbness.

It was restraint.

Rowan felt it everywhere.

He felt it in the way Elira no longer adjusted her pace to match his.

In how she smiled politely instead of warmly.

In how conversations stayed efficient, careful, contained.

He had wanted space.

Now it felt like distance.

Midweek, Rowan stopped by her desk again.

Not abruptly.

Not nervously.

Deliberately.

"Elira," he said.

She looked up, calm as ever. "Yes?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to get lunch," he said. "Outside."

The offer lingered between them.

She didn't answer immediately.

"I have a meeting at one," she said finally. "But I can spare thirty minutes."

Thirty minutes.

Not an afternoon.

Not an open-ended yes.

"Thirty minutes is fine," Rowan said.

They walked together without touching, the city louder than usual around them.

Rowan chose a quiet café without thinking.

He always gravitated toward places where nothing demanded too much.

They sat across from each other, steam rising from their cups.

"You've been different," he said.

Elira stirred her tea. "I told you I would be."

"That wasn't an accusation," he said quickly.

"I know," she replied. "It's an observation."

He nodded. "I don't like it."

Her eyes lifted to his. "That doesn't mean it's wrong."

Rowan leaned back slightly. "You're protecting yourself."

"Yes."

"And from me?"

She didn't answer right away.

"From uncertainty," she said carefully. "You happen to be part of that."

His jaw tightened. "I don't want to be."

"Then stop being," she said gently.

The conversation stayed there-balanced on the edge of something deeper neither of them named.

Rowan paid when the check came.

Outside, they stood under the awning while traffic rushed past.

"I've been trying," Rowan said suddenly.

Elira turned toward him. "Trying to do what?"

"To stay," he said. "To not disappear when things feel heavy."

Her chest tightened.

"And how's that going?" she asked.

He smiled faintly. "I'm here."

"Yes," she said. "Right now."

The honesty in her voice landed quietly but firmly.

"I don't know how to make it permanent," he admitted.

"That's the problem," she replied. "You treat presence like a favor instead of a choice."

He looked at her then, eyes searching. "You don't think I'm choosing you?"

She inhaled slowly. "I think you choose me in moments. Not in patterns."

That stayed with him.

That evening, Rowan walked her part of the way back to the office.

Not all the way.

Not like before.

At the corner, he stopped.

"This was good," he said.

"It was," Elira agreed.

He hesitated. "We should do this again."

She smiled softly. "Maybe."

The word didn't sting.

It clarified.

Later that night, Rowan sat alone with the memory of her across the table-present, kind, restrained.

That version of her felt earned.

And fleeting.

He realized then what unsettled him most.

Elira wasn't pulling away to punish him.

She was adjusting her life so his uncertainty didn't dictate its shape.

The next morning, Rowan arrived early again.

So did Elira.

She passed his desk with a polite nod.

He watched her go, something heavy pressing against his ribs.

That afternoon, he caught up to her in the hallway.

"Elira," he said. "Can I walk you home today?"

She paused.

Considered.

"Yes," she said. "But just the walk."

They stepped outside together.

The air was cool, the sky pale with early evening.

Rowan spoke carefully. "I miss how things were."

Elira didn't slow her pace. "I don't."

That startled him.

"You don't?" he asked.

"I miss how they felt," she clarified. "Not how uncertain they were."

They stopped at her building.

"This is me," she said.

Rowan nodded. "I meant what I said today. About trying."

She met his eyes. "Trying isn't staying."

"I know," he said quietly.

She stepped back, hand on the door handle. "Then when you figure out the difference... let me know."

And with that, she went inside.

Rowan stood there longer than necessary.

He had been present.

He had been kind.

He had been close.

And it still hadn't been enough.

For the first time, he understood the truth he had been avoiding:

The version of him that showed up briefly was no longer impressive.

It was insufficient.

And if he didn't learn how to stay-

He was going to lose her in the quietest way possible.

Rowan was known for something he never intended to become-he was good at showing up only when it was almost too late.

Elira was beginning to recognize that version of him by instinct alone.

The days after her quiet shift passed with an unfamiliar steadiness.

Elira woke.

Worked.

Went home.

No lingering in hallways.

No extra pauses in shared spaces.

No instinctive waiting for a presence that might or might not appear.

It wasn't numbness.

It was restraint.

Rowan felt it everywhere.

He felt it in the way Elira no longer adjusted her pace to match his.

In how she smiled politely instead of warmly.

In how conversations stayed efficient, careful, contained.

He had wanted space.

Now it felt like distance.

Midweek, Rowan stopped by her desk again.

Not abruptly.

Not nervously.

Deliberately.

"Elira," he said.

She looked up, calm as ever. "Yes?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to get lunch," he said. "Outside."

The offer lingered between them.

She didn't answer immediately.

"I have a meeting at one," she said finally. "But I can spare thirty minutes."

Thirty minutes.

Not an afternoon.

Not an open-ended yes.

"Thirty minutes is fine," Rowan said.

They walked together without touching, the city louder than usual around them.

Rowan chose a quiet café without thinking.

He always gravitated toward places where nothing demanded too much.

They sat across from each other, steam rising from their cups.

"You've been different," he said.

Elira stirred her tea. "I told you I would be."

"That wasn't an accusation," he said quickly.

"I know," she replied. "It's an observation."

He nodded. "I don't like it."

Her eyes lifted to his. "That doesn't mean it's wrong."

Rowan leaned back slightly. "You're protecting yourself."

"Yes."

"And from me?"

She didn't answer right away.

"From uncertainty," she said carefully. "You happen to be part of that."

His jaw tightened. "I don't want to be."

"Then stop being," she said gently.

The conversation stayed there balanced on the edge of something deeper neither of them named.

Rowan paid when the check came.

Outside, they stood under the awning while traffic rushed past.

"I've been trying," Rowan said suddenly.

Elira turned toward him. "Trying to do what?"

"To stay," he said. "To not disappear when things feel heavy."

Her chest tightened.

"And how's that going?" she asked.

He smiled faintly. "I'm here."

"Yes," she said. "Right now."

The honesty in her voice landed quietly but firmly.

"I don't know how to make it permanent," he admitted.

"That's the problem," she replied. "You treat presence like a favor instead of a choice."

He looked at her then, eyes searching. "You don't think I'm choosing you?"

She inhaled slowly. "I think you choose me in moments. Not in patterns."

That stayed with him.

That evening, Rowan walked her part of the way back to the office.

Not all the way.

Not like before.

At the corner, he stopped.

"This was good," he said.

"It was," Elira agreed.

He hesitated. "We should do this again."

She smiled softly. "Maybe."

The word didn't sting.

It clarified.

Later that night, Rowan sat alone with the memory of her across the table present, kind, restrained.

That version of her felt earned.

And fleeting.

He realized then what unsettled him most.

Elira wasn't pulling away to punish him.

She was adjusting her life so his uncertainty didn't dictate its shape.

The next morning, Rowan arrived early again.

So did Elira.

She passed his desk with a polite nod.

He watched her go, something heavy pressing against his ribs.

That afternoon, he caught up to her in the hallway.

"Elira," he said. "Can I walk you home today?"

She paused.

Considered.

"Yes," she said. "But just the walk."

They stepped outside together.

The air was cool, the sky pale with early evening.

Rowan spoke carefully. "I miss how things were."

Elira didn't slow her pace. "I don't."

That startled him.

"You don't?" he asked.

"I miss how they felt," she clarified. "Not how uncertain they were."

They stopped at her building.

"This is me," she said.

Rowan nodded. "I meant what I said today. About trying."

She met his eyes. "Trying isn't staying."

"I know," he said quietly.

She stepped back, hand on the door handle. "Then when you figure out the difference... let me know."

And with that, she went inside.

Rowan stood there longer than necessary.

He had been present.

He had been kind.

He had been close.

And it still hadn't been enough.

For the first time, he understood the truth he had been avoiding:

The version of him that showed up briefly was no longer impressive.

It was insufficient.

And if he didn't learn how to stay

He was going to lose her in the quietest way possible.