Chapter 5 The Distance That Began to Feel Like a Pattern

The Distance That Began to Feel Like a Pattern

Elira was known for one thing she could no longer deny she noticed when someone chose absence over explanation.

And Rowan was becoming very good at that choice.

The morning after he left in a hurry, the office felt different to Elira.

Not louder.

Not quieter.

Just... heavier.

She sat at her desk with her bag still hanging from her shoulder, fingers resting on the edge of the table, eyes fixed on nothing in particular. She hadn't even opened her laptop yet.

The image of Rowan's face the night before, how it changed the moment his phone buzzed, how his shoulders pulled tight, how the warmth vanished from his eyes played on a loop in her mind.

Mira slid into the chair beside her.

"You didn't sleep," Mira said.

Elira blinked. "Is it that obvious?"

"You're holding your pen like it personally offended you."

Elira looked down and loosened her grip. "Sorry."

Mira lowered her voice. "Did something happen with Rowan?"

Elira hesitated.

"Something keeps happening. I just don't know what to call it."

"That's usually the problem," Mira said gently. "Does he?"

Elira exhaled.

"I don't think he lets himself name things."

Mira studied with her. "And you?"

Elira's voice was quiet. "I name them. I just don't say them out loud."

Rowan arrived late again.

Elira felt it before she saw him the familiar tightening in her chest, the quiet disappointment she pretended not to expect anymore.

He walked in quickly, coat still on, phone in hand, eyes scanning the room before landing on her.

Their eyes met.

Just for a second.

He gave a small nod.

That was all.

No smile.

No pause.

No, we'll talk.

Elira looked back at her screen.

Later, Rowan appeared at her desk.

"Are you free?" he asked.

She didn't look up immediately. "I have ten minutes."

He nodded. "That's enough."

They walked toward the stairwell again the space that now held too many half-finished conversations.

Rowan leaned against the wall, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry I left like that yesterday."

Elira crossed her arms not defensively, just protectively. "You always say that."

He frowned. "That makes it sound intentional."

"It doesn't have to be intentional to be consistent," she replied.

He swallowed. "I didn't plan to hurt you."

"I know," she said softly. "That doesn't stop it from happening."

Silence pressed in.

"There are parts of my life that demand things from me," Rowan said finally. "Things I can't ignore."

Elira nodded.

"I'm not asking you to."

"Then why does it feel like I'm failing you?" he asked.

She met his eyes. "Because you're holding space in my life without knowing if you want to stand there."

His jaw tightened. "That's not fair."

She tilted her head. "Isn't it?"

He looked away.

"I don't want to lose what this is," he said.

"What is this?" she asked quietly.

He didn't answer.

That afternoon dragged on.

Rowan passed by her desk twice without stopping.

Elira noticed both times.

When work finally ended, Elira packed slowly again, hoping again that Rowan would walk over, that he would choose clarity just once.

Instead, Mira tapped her shoulder. "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Waiting without admitting it."

Elira forced a small smile. "I'm just tired."

"You don't look tired," Mira said. "You look careful."

Outside, the sky was clear for once.

"Elira."

She turned.

Rowan stood a few steps behind her, breath slightly uneven, like he'd rushed.

"Yes?" she said.

"Walk with me," he said. Not a question.

She nodded.

They walked in silence for a block before he spoke.

"I don't know how to do this halfway," Rowan said.

"I'm either in or I'm not."

Elira's heart tightened. "And right now?"

He stopped walking.

"Right now, I'm standing in the middle."

"That's the hardest place to be," she said.

"For you," he replied.

"For both of us," she corrected.

He exhaled sharply. "You don't make this easy."

"I don't think love is supposed to be easy," she said. "But it's supposed to be clear."

He looked at her, conflicted. "I don't know how to give you that."

Her voice softened. "Then don't promise what you can't give."

"I'm not promising anything," he said quickly.

"That's the problem," she replied.

They stood there, the space between them wider than the sidewalk allowed.

"Elira," Rowan said, quieter now. "If I ask you to slow down... would you?"

She considered him carefully. "I already have."

His brow furrowed. "Then why does it feel like I'm falling behind?"

"Because I'm still moving," she said honestly. "And you're standing still."

That truth landed hard.

"I don't want to lose you," he said.

"Then stop treating me like something that will wait," she replied.

He stared at her, stunned.

"I don't mean to," he said.

"But you do," she answered.

That night, Rowan called her.

Not texted.

Called.

Elira stared at the screen before answering. "Hello?"

"Hi," Rowan said quietly. "Did I wake you?"

"No," she replied. "I was reading."

"I can hang up."

"Don't," she said. "What's wrong?"

He was silent for a moment. "I don't know how to keep you close without pulling away."

She closed her eyes. "Then don't pull."

"It's instinct," he said. "I've always done this."

"Instincts can be unlearned," she replied.

"You always sound so sure."

"I'm sure about one thing," she said. "I don't want to feel like I'm asking for scraps of your attention."

Silence.

"That's not what you are to me," he said.

"Then show me," she replied.

Another pause.

"I don't know if I can," he admitted.

Her heart sank, but her voice stayed steady. "Then be honest when you disappear."

"I am honest."

"Not always," she said. "Sometimes you leave without saying why."

"I don't owe explanations for everything," he said defensively.

"No," she agreed. "But you owe respect."

The next day, Rowan didn't come to work.

Elira noticed before noon.

By afternoon, she stopped pretending she wasn't checking the door.

When he finally appeared near closing time, his face was drawn, eyes darker than usual. He went straight to his desk.

Elira watched him, then stood.

"You didn't say you'd be gone," she said quietly.

"I didn't know I would be."

"That's becoming familiar," she replied.

He stood abruptly. "Can we talk?"

"Now?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. "Before I lose my nerve."

They walked to the stairwell again, tension thick in the air.

"I don't know how to be what you need," Rowan said.

"But I know I don't want to walk away."

"Then don't," Elira said softly. "Just don't keep me in between."

He opened his mouth

His phone buzzed.

Again.

He glanced at the screen, expression closing instantly.

"I have to take this."

Elira felt something finally crack not loudly, not dramatically, just enough to hurt.

"Rowan," she said, voice steady but strained, "if you walk away again"

"I'll explain," he said.

"You always say that."

He stepped back anyway.

And as he turned away once more, Elira realized the truth she had been avoiding:

This wasn't an accident anymore.

It was a pattern.

And she didn't know how long she could keep standing in the space he kept leaving behind.