Chapter 6 The Weight of Words He Never Chose

The Weight of Words He Never Chose

Elira was known for one thing now she stayed quiet when she was deciding whether to stay at all.

Rowan had not learned to recognize that silence yet.

The morning after he walked away again, the office felt unfamiliar to Elira, even though nothing had changed.

The desks were the same.

The lights buzzed softly overhead.

The smell of coffee still drifted through the hallway.

But something inside her had shifted.

She sat at her desk with her bag tucked neatly underneath, hands folded on top of her notebook, eyes fixed on the screen in front of her without really seeing it. The words blurred together. Paragraphs meant nothing.

Mira noticed immediately.

"You're too calm," Mira said, leaning against the edge of Elira's desk.

Elira looked up slowly. "Is that bad?"

"It's dangerous," Mira replied. "You only get like this when you're deciding something."

Elira gave a small, tired smile. "I'm not deciding anything."

Mira crossed her arms. "That's what you said the last time you quit something that was hurting you."

Elira looked back at her screen. "This feels different."

"How?" Mira asked gently.

"Because I don't know if walking away will hurt less than staying," Elira said.

Mira didn't joke this time. "And Rowan?"

Elira inhaled, then exhaled slowly. "Rowan doesn't know what he wants. And I'm tired of being the place he comes to when he doesn't know what to do with himself."

Mira nodded slowly. "That sounds like clarity."

Elira didn't answer.

Rowan arrived late.

Again.

Elira felt it before she saw him the same familiar tightening in her chest, the same quiet disappointment she had learned to swallow without showing. He walked in briskly, coat still on, phone pressed to his ear, voice low and unreadable.

He didn't look at her.

Not once.

That hurt more than the leaving.

When he finally hung up and moved toward his desk, Elira didn't watch him. She kept her eyes on her screen, fingers resting lightly on the keyboard, pretending to work.

Rowan noticed anyway.

He always did just too late.

He hovered near her desk for a moment before speaking.

"Elira," he said softly.

She didn't look up. "I'm busy."

He hesitated. "Can we talk later?"

She finally met his eyes. "Later when?"

He opened his mouth, then closed it.

"That's what I thought," she said quietly.

She turned back to her screen, ending the conversation before it could become another unfinished thing.

Rowan stood there for a second longer than necessary, then walked away.

Mira watched from across the room, her expression tight.

By lunchtime, Elira felt exhausted without having done anything.

She stood near the window, watching people cross the street below, each of them moving with purpose, destination clear. She envied that simplicity.

Rowan found her there.

"You didn't answer my question," he said.

She didn't turn. "You didn't ask one."

"I asked if we could talk later."

"And I asked when," she replied.

Silence settled between them.

Rowan sighed. "I don't know."

Elira finally faced him. "That's becoming a problem."

"I know," he said quickly. "I just"

She raised a hand gently. "Please don't explain. Not right now."

His brow furrowed. "Why?"

"Because explanations without change feel like excuses," she said calmly. "And I don't want to hear another one today."

That stung.

Rowan nodded slowly. "Okay."

She waited for him to leave.

He didn't.

"Elira," he said, quieter now. "Are you pulling away?"

She studied his face the tired eyes, the tension in his jaw, the way he looked like someone constantly bracing for impact.

"I'm protecting myself," she said. "There's a difference."

He swallowed. "From me?"

"Yes," she replied honestly.

That hurt more than anything she could have said.

That afternoon passed in careful distance.

Rowan didn't approach her desk again.

Elira didn't look for him.

But they noticed each other constantly.

When Elira laughed softly at something Mira said, Rowan felt it like a loss.

When Rowan stood alone by the coffee machine, staring at nothing, Elira felt a pull she didn't act on.

At the end of the day, Elira packed her things quickly.

Mira raised an eyebrow. "No waiting today?"

Elira shook her head. "I need space."

"That sounds healthy," Mira said.

"It feels unfamiliar," Elira replied.

Outside, the sky was heavy with clouds, the air thick and damp. Elira walked faster than usual, wanting to get home before her thoughts caught up with her.

She didn't make it far.

"Elira."

She stopped.

Rowan stood a few steps behind her, breath uneven like he'd rushed again.

She didn't turn around immediately.

"What?" she asked.

"Please don't walk away," he said.

She turned slowly. "That's rich."

"I mean it," he said. "I can feel you slipping away."

Her voice was calm, but firm. "That's what happens when you keep letting go."

He stepped closer. "I don't let go. I just"

"disappear," she finished. "Over and over again."

He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't do it on purpose."

"I know," she said. "But intention doesn't erase impact."

They stood there, the distance between them filled with everything they hadn't said.

"Elira," Rowan said quietly. "I don't want to lose you."

Her chest tightened. "Then why do you keep choosing everything else over clarity?"

He looked away. "Because clarity feels like commitment."

"And commitment feels like fear," she replied.

He met her eyes. "Yes."

That honesty surprised her.

"I don't know how to stay," he admitted. "Every time things start to matter, something in me pulls back."

She softened, just a little. "Do you know why?"

He shook his head. "I just know it's always been like this."

Elira took a breath. "Then you need to figure it out. Because I can't keep being the place you almost choose."

He flinched. "Almost?"

"Yes," she said. "Almost showing up. Almost honest. Almost brave."

He opened his mouth, then closed it.

For once, he had nothing.

That night, Rowan couldn't sleep.

He sat on the edge of his bed, phone in hand, staring at Elira's name on the screen.

He typed.

Deleted.

Typed again.

Rowan: Are you mad at me?

The reply didn't come immediately.

That scared him more than anger ever could.

Elira: I'm not mad.

Rowan exhaled.

Rowan: Then what are you?

Another pause.

Elira: Tired.

That word settled heavily in his chest.

Rowan: I don't want to be the reason you feel that way.

Elira: Then don't be.

Rowan stared at the screen, fingers hovering.

Rowan: I'm trying.

Elira: Trying feels different from changing.

He didn't reply.

The next day, Rowan arrived early.

Elira noticed.

He stood by her desk before she even sat down.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

She looked at him, really looked at him. "Is this another almost?"

He swallowed. "No."

She nodded once. "Okay."

They walked to the stairwell again-the place where everything seemed to start and stop.

Rowan leaned against the wall, arms crossed tightly like he was holding himself together.

"I'm bad at this," he said.

"At what?" she asked.

"Letting someone matter without panicking," he replied.

She waited.

"When you pull away," he continued, "it scares me. And I don't like that it scares me."

Her heart skipped. "Why?"

"Because it means I care," he said quietly. "And caring feels like risk."

She studied him. "And what do you do when you feel at risk?"

"I retreat," he admitted.

She nodded. "I know."

"I don't want to keep doing that," he said.

She searched his face. "Then what are you willing to do differently?"

He hesitated.

That hesitation said everything.

"Elira," he said, voice strained, "I want you in my life."

She closed her eyes briefly. "Wanting isn't choosing."

He flinched again.

She stepped closer. "I need consistency, Rowan. I need to know that when things get hard, you won't vanish."

"I don't know if I can promise that," he said honestly.

Her chest ached. "Then I don't know how to stay."

Silence filled the stairwell, heavy and final.

Rowan's phone buzzed.

Both of them froze.

He didn't look at it immediately.

"Don't," Elira said quietly.

"I have to," he replied, voice tight.

She stepped back, something breaking softly inside her. "That's your answer, then."

He looked at the screen, conflicted, torn.

"Elira"

"If you walk away again," she said, her voice steady but trembling underneath, "don't expect me to be standing here when you come back."

The phone buzzed again, louder this time.

Rowan stood there, caught between the pull of the familiar and the fear of losing her.

He took a step back.

Elira watched him, eyes burning, heart pounding.

He turned toward the stairs.

And this time, she didn't call his name.