Chapter 4 IN LOVE AND BROKEN:

When something is broken, shattered or destroyed, not even with the greatest dedication will it be the same as before, it will keep cracks or scars that every day will remind you that once, you were torn to pieces, and also who was to blame, and then the memories will come, and you will feel again how they destroy you piece by piece, or you will smile because it no longer hurts, but meanwhile, you cry of anguish, pain and suffering, while trying uselessly to make up for the pain that another caused, and you, you have had to suffer.

CHAPTER III: IN LOVE AND BROKEN

'And once I was asked. What is it to be in love?, and I answered with a smile, the bitter possibility of ending up with a broken heart.' ALEXANDRE DUBOIS.

When Alexandre and Leonel met they could barely remember being old enough to see a puppy jump on them and not cry, they were two beautiful and innocent children without enough evil to corrupt them, you could even say none.

Alexandre was the smiling, cute and animal lover, small, chubby and adorable, Leonel was the imposing of the two, tall, slim and with a feline look, although for Alexandre he looked like an adorable little visitor, Leonel protected Alexandre, because for him, everyone without exception and optimal exclusion of his person, wanted to hurt him, and Al, was too cute and his own to let that happen, which simply made everyone laugh, to see how the youngest just grumbled and wanted to hit any being that came near Alexandre, girl or boy, it didn't matter, Alexandre is mine, was all he said, and Alexandre thinks he may have believed it as time went by, because for someone as social as the blond was, there came a time when as if the black-haired boy was his lord and master, Alexandre needed him to approve everything around him.

'I gave him that power?', was the only thing that went through his mind, five words with such an emotional charge that threatened to destroy him.

When Alexandre woke up two things happened, first of all he felt fear, and secondly he was flooded with an abundant and horrible shame when he saw that unconsciously and carried away by his pain he almost died, and well, Alexandre never wanted to die, not literally, yes, maybe, cry, scream and curse half the world, but to die, no, not that.

Alexandre had listened carefully to the doctor before bursting into tears, calming down and crying again, oh my god if only his parents found out, Alexandre was going to be in a fucking heap of trouble, the blond couldn't help but shudder when the thought crossed his mind, because his mother was a patient, and kind woman who when she got angry goes into animal mood and that wasn't fun at all, and that's when he came to his head, Leonel, then the real hysteria started, because the black-haired boy would be very, very pissed off and scared when he found out, and not to mention Ellian, the poor boy suffered from anxiety and other things, Alexandre didn't want to be the cause of a possible collapse, nor of him being hospitalized for his gastrointestinal problems caused by stress, then Alexandre started crying again.

He didn't even remember that Leonel was getting married, nor the wreck that was his heart right now or the churning in his stomach when he found out, no, Alexandre was now a nervous and hysterical mass for all that his loss of reason and alcoholic intake could have provoked and when guilt fell on him, he drowned and repressed any other feeling.

Alexandre simply cared so much about others that he forgot about himself, until he became obviously mentally tired and preferred to just sleep.

Alexandre was conscious, and too tired, so while he was trying to sleep he didn't take enough notice of who had opened the door of the room thinking it was nurses or doctors and their typical check-ups, at least until he heard the unmistakable voice of Leonel in the distance.

Alexandre didn't open his eyes, he just maybe squinted these, small slits that let him see the masculine figure in the distance, but Alexandre as bad, cowardly and distressed as he felt for his stupidity, took a deep breath and closed his eyes tight as the red-haired man approached, Alexandre was actually glad just a little when Leonel looked distressed enough, how cute, he thought, at least, the first three words because after these, Alexandre only felt the agitation that causes pain and disappointment to sink deep inside him and devour him completely.

He, he knew, he received his mind, he knew, and so Alexandre slowly opened his eyes, still listening to him talk and just a little more horrified, because fuck, to have your best friend, who you've been in love with for eight fucking years confess while you're in a hospital ward after almost dying that he always knew about your stupid crush and still only, knowing all that he continued to let you get close, love him and wait for him like an idiot, was hilarious, and fucking embarrassing.

So when both orbs met, some learned and some ashamed and, why not, hurt, Alexandre knew this would go very badly, because the shame was slowly being replaced, and the pain was slowly coming out with force, spreading to every corner, causing tremors and tears that could just send him into a coma, Alexandre had to take a deep breath to not suffer a collapse.

He knew it.

"Alexandre" the breath, the wide-eyed shock, the trembling hands, the need to mark remoteness, all confirmed to the blond that perhaps he shouldn't have heard such words.

Alexandre remembered when he was little, chubby, tiny and adorable enough to get everyone's attention, Alexandre by then hated being held by the cheeks, his mom hugging him too often and telling him he was her baby, Alexandre was eight for god's sake, to him, he was all big boy, and Alexandre right now would like to go back there and tell his mom to hug him a lot and tell him everything will be alright.

Alexandre could see the terror in Leonel's eyes, the anguish that he apparently heard secrets that should never have been revealed.

Leonel always knew that Alexandre loved him.

And Alexandre as if it was all too much burst into silent tears, in complete shock and staring at nothing, overcome.

Alexandre remembers then, everything comes to him in slow motion, like a very bad movie with lousy actors and budget, where he played the role of the too innocent idiot.

"Alexandre" Leonel whispered, the blond turned to look at him with a face full of tears, they were falling, while he remained stoic as if he could not feel anything at all "Darling....

"Shut up" he said low, hurt and horrible voice to the red-haired man's ears, Cassell opened his eyes as if he had been hit treacherously "Shut.The.Fuck. Up, now!".

Alexandre really didn't even know what was coming out of his mouth, his mind seemed clouded by memories good and bad, and some that shouldn't even be there, like a laughing and mocking Leonel behind his back, saying how pathetic he was, leaving him breathless, calling up the fury inside him, ready to explode and end it all.

"Alexandre calm down".

"Was it funny?" he asked with wide red eyes and trembling, Alexandre was raging, they were screaming inside him, loud, roaring and asking for help "Did you ever take my feelings into account?" Leonel swallowed it seemed only a little scared, Alexandre had never seen him like that, the big and imposing boy.

"I never meant to hurt you."

"Thank you, really thank you very much" he looked hurt "You never wanted to hurt me. Wasn't playing with me enough?."

"Alexandre don't twist things around, this is not my fault, you..."

"Don't you dare" he interrupted him imagining and guessing where he was going.

'The fault is of the one who falls in love not of the one who doesn't reciprocate', the black-haired man had once told him when for some reason between drinks they had talked about unrequited loves and the suffering they cause.

"Don't do it you damned son of a bitch" he bit, and Leonel knew he was very angry, he never cursed "Don't have the nerve to blame me" he refused and ran his hands over his face in exasperation, not even the pain in his hand from hurting his venipuncture was relevant, he smiled, sad, so sad that it broke Leonel's heart "Now I understand. Every time I tried to get away from you, you always..." he swallowed as if it was hard to speak, to breathe, right now everything was difficult for him "You always only became so sweet and attentive and I believed again, hope sprouted in me, and you knew it, Leonel, you played with me...you manipulated me?."

"You can't just blame me" he defended herself, looking him in the eye almost like a cornered animal "I've always made it clear that I don't like men".

"And yet you loved the fact that I was in love with you" he let it drop as if he couldn't say anything more about it.

Leonel fell, he couldn't refute that fact, Leonel knew Alexandre wasn't himself, he felt hurt, so he just listened to everything he said clenching his fists

"Did that make you hard, having a gay guy drooling over your straight ass. Knowing you'd never give him anything, showing yourself as the last slice of the pie before me, before being devoured by someone else. Don't fuck with me!."

"Alexandre someone is coming, stop yelling!" Alexandre almost laughed, Leonel looked nervous and sad, so he just let his story come out.

"Let them come, let them fucking come. I'm going to tell you the story of the weird idiot Alexandre who spent eight years as an idiot waiting for the great Leonel Cassell to turn around and look at him" he laughed and let a tear fall "Simply hilarious."

"You're wrong, you're not like that."

"You don't know shit about my, Leonel Cassell. Do you know how many times I cried at night in my room?" he asked "Leonel, I really came to hate my sexuality for you, my body, I thought being a man was punishment."

"You are exaggerating. You don't..."

"Have you ever, ever been in love?" he asked and interrupted before the black-haired man even opened his mouth "Of course not, that's the problem, the one who loves loses, because he will always be ready for everything, and I was for you, so fucked up with you that I would have done everything to have you" he confessed "And you come, play, use me and throw me away like nothing, watch me fall into an abyss, all for loving you. Blaming me for everything?."

"I never asked you to love me" he answered hoarse, low and tired of receiving so much shit, Leonel would probably regret it but he wasn't good at controlling his temper "No more than a brother, you decided it Alexandre, it's not my fault, you and your fucking obsession for me must end."

Silence, heavy and horrible, Alexandre opened his eyes at such words and didn't know whether to believe what he heard or ask him to repeat it because of his insecurity.

"Obsession?"

The blond clenched his hands into fists and took a deep breath. Leonel didn't speak and then Alexandre saw a new Leonel, one who saw his love for him, his wanting, as a disease, something rare and unnatural and Alexandre really exploded.

"Don't think you're so important Leonel" he said with hard eyes and a dark look, Leonel stepped back "I just loved you too much, so much that I stopped loving myself, because of all people I never, ever thought that one day I could hate you."

"Al..."

"Indeed I don't" he interrupted "I don't feel anything, now there just seems to be a horrible, sickening emptiness in my chest."

"Alexandre, what's going on?" the open door and Lucius' voice with Ellian gave him the escape he needed.

"Get him out of here" he asked without taking his eyes off the black-haired man, "you and I..." he denied "I'm done with all this. Goodbye."

Alexandre loves Leonel, he has done so bad, so fucking bad, that now he just needed to take a deep breath and stop thinking.