Chapter 3 AURORA

I entered the room accompanied by Cristina, who was already choosing with her eyes who would be her next prey, while I felt disgusted with an upset stomach. I avoided even looking at Josh.

Once we arrived, he smiled and looked at his friends, following me back with his eyes.

The nausea was so great when I realized that the number of ''friends'' had increased... I counted. Along with Josh, there were three guys, who looked at us like two steaks exposed in a market window.

'' Yesterday that girl drove me crazy '' Josh said talking about me to his friends.

He then looked me back up and down. All I wanted most was to run out of there, but I was so appalled by what I was witnessing, that I stayed quiet in my place without saying a single word.

Cristina had already sat on the lap of one of them, already choosing who would be her ''lover''. The chosen one obviously appreciated her choice, considering he immediately went to the room with her.

Josh, me and the other tall guy the same color as I stayed in the room.

He was tall and built, but he didn't catch my eye.

More like a scared little animal wanting to escape the hunt.

Josh took off his clothes, getting naked right there, in front of everyone.

He was enjoying the whole situation sitting on the front sofa with bright eyes when his friend came towards me, kissing me. He was a good kisser, but I felt uneasy. Every moment my eyes flew to Josh who watched everything with his arms crossed, doing nothing. I wasn't getting relaxed, and he could tell. So, he called that '' friend '' that I didn't bother to know the name, said something in his ear, giggling, and came to me.

He kissed me and then slid the condom down his long cock, then looked at me from under his eyes.

''Open your legs '' I slipped my pants off my body and did as he asked, opening myself all over for him. At the same moment, he thrust himself fully inside me.

He fucked me wildly any way he wanted, then had me sit on his cock with my back to his chest while his friend watched me masturbating and me acting on autopilot. I was amazed, nervous, and tense to have someone there, watching everything we were doing.

So, the guy who was making out with Cristina called the guy who was just watching us join them. As soon as he disappeared into the room, Josh hugged me around the waist making me go up and down on his member. It was strange... because I noticed that when his friend was looking at us, he looked cold and calculating as if he didn't want to show something - I could be wrong, but I thought so. In a matter of seconds, he changed with me and hugged me tight and the chemistry between us exploded once again. The craziest thing was that I felt like I belonged to him., uniquely and entirely his possession. Sometime later, when the two friends came back eager to taste me, Josh broke the hug in a blink of an eye becoming indifferent to me again.

I wanted to curse him!

Then he made me get off his lap and then went to the bedroom to be with Cristina - I felt a violent and irritated jealousy burning through my guts and I hated myself for it. It was more than obvious that he wanted nothing more than just that with me. He just wanted to enjoy it, and I was the snack of the moment. It had no value to him. Even knowing that didn't mean it didn't stop hurting.

Against my will, I had sex with Josh's friends, angrier and sadder than I've ever been... and right then and there, I swore I would never allow him to touch me again or humiliate me like that. I swallowed the tears and closed myself, I was counting the seconds for that torment to end once and for all.

When at last they were satisfied with me, I ran to get dressed and quickly went to the door crazy to get out of there. I couldn't take that oppression anymore; I needed air because that place was taking all my oxygen.

They laughed. Cristina too – all planning to have more parties between them and invite more guys. My stomach once again twisted in disgust.

'' What's going on with your friend? Is it all closed like that? '' One of them said laughing.

''She's just like that'' Cristina said approaching where I was.

I screwed up my face even more.

'' Let's go, Cristina, we have no time to lose. I said, not looking at them, especially at Josh. All I wanted was to throttle him.

He laughed along with his ''fellows''.

'' Let's set another day again '' Josh said when we were already outside.

I neither waited nor looked back. If Cristina wanted, she could stay there and chat with him! Let her stay, because I would go home (that's what was on my mind at the time)!!!

She ran after me laughing.

''We'll see around '' she said getting to my side.

She laughed and highlighted the boys' flaws and qualities, euphoric as hell, while I considered throwing myself in front of a car because of how angry and upset I was!

It was the worst experience of my life.

***

In high school, I avoided him as much as I could, if I saw him going down one path, I diverted to the other. If he was somewhere I would go wherever he wasn't. His mere presence already made me euphoric and anxious, and I hated feeling all that. Josh was a freaking pervert! Nymphomaniac, someone who didn't love anyone, as well as being an extremely selfish and heartless person.

A few days passed and once again he sent a message wanting to stay with me. Of course, I refused, however, Cristina being the ''good Samaritan that she is" took other of her friends to stay with him.

That day we were all in the courtyard and her other friend (from another room) called him and said she wanted the money to buy medicine in case she got pregnant because his condom had torn.

- I didn't even get off! - That's what he shouted in front of everyone in the courtyard of the school and he turned his back on them laughing, leaving everyone shocked. He pulled Cristina who was laughing hysterically, while the girl practically ran out of the gate into the school to hide in the room, such was her shame. I was horrified by what I had heard. He didn't give a shit, and once again asked Cristina to stay with me. And, of course, I denied it, even though a part of me craved him, I refused to give in to his wants and whims.

The days went by, and I kept running away from him.

When I saw him and Silvania skip classes to be together and they left holding hands, I felt my heart ache and anguished. He lowered his head when he saw me passing by. I didn't know what was happening to me and I was scared to death of the answer they might give me if I said what I felt when I saw them together. They were boyfriends, I was the ''whore'' who was with him behind the back of the official girlfriend. I was the girl he fucked when no one was looking. Why would he want to have something with me? Besides, I was ugly, I didn't even wear my own hair, and I had ugly and crooked teeth – nobody noticed me and when that happened it was to point out how ugly I was – something I was born knowing. While Silvania was light-skinned (not quite white, however) I was black and plain – some boys even hit on me, but I thought it was just for fun. He wore regular pants, a slightly baggy school shirt, and sneakers; My body was beautiful because it was one of the things depression had helped with losing weight. But, otherwise, I was an impending tragedy.

-

The weeks passed slowly. I had a friend who was gay (but not publicly acknowledged) who began to notice that every time Josh saw me, he stared at me for a long time, even pulling his hat off his head and running his hands through his hair, looking at me.

''Girl, every time you walk, Josh is sluggish looking at you '' Robert observed.

'' Huh? What?'' I asked because I really hadn't paid attention. I avoided looking with my eyes where he was, I didn't want to hurt myself anymore, and this thing of being without commitment was not for me. I would get a boyfriend and rub it in his face so that I can also have someone who accepts dating me - It was what I planned in my mind even at my young age.

'' I've been watching this for days now '' I tried not to listen to what my friend said, but it was undeniable to prevent my heart from racing in my chest.

***

The Snt. John season had arrived and so some teachers decided to have a farewell party for the June holidays. It was Friday afternoon. We were all dressed up. I wore overalls and high heels, it was even ''acceptable'' until I saw the other girls all made up prettier than me. My self-esteem went down there.

And then while we were waiting to enter the room that would be the party, Josh arrived accompanied by his '' friends ''.

My heart immediately came to a stop in my throat.

It was terribly beautiful and hot.... very hot.

He was wearing simple clothes, by the way. But even in ordinary clothes, he looked a knockout! White shirt and patterned shorts. For the first time in years, he was without his customary cap, leaving his beautiful long hair showing and damp. His serious eyes landed on me. I noticed that he tried to ignore me, more than once I caught him with his eyes nailed in my direction. However, when I realized it, he diverted when and went back to chatting with his friends again.

***

Party time arrived; we were all dancing. Josh and I exchanged a few glances, and in one of those he got up and tried to go dancing with Silvania – his girlfriend – She got irritated with him because she didn't want him to keep grabbing her and pushing him in front of everyone since she was having fun. with friends. He left the room and god knows where he went. I didn't mind, I thought it was well done.

Sometime later, Cristina called me to go to the bathroom with her and I went.

She was behind me, and I was in front, when I opened the door, Josh was sitting in a chair with his feet on top of the other, leaning on the headboard of it.

We stared at each other for a few seconds.

My heart was almost out of my mouth, I was closed, and he had a surprised face.

'' Excuse me '' I said dryly, and Cristina laughed behind me.

'' Sure! '' He said getting up and removing the chair for me to pass.

Then he pulled Cristina by the arm, while I waited in the distance already getting irritated.

Every time I saw Josh my mood would flip from one extreme to another.

Then she came laughing to me.

'' Bestie, Josh wants to hook up with us again.''

''Not myself! Go you stay with him! '' I said, angry and agitated.

I threw him a dirty look.

'' Calm down, woman! '' She laughed '' You're mad today huh? '' I left her talking to herself and went to the bathroom.

I went back again and enjoyed the rest of the party with my friends, at a certain point I had to retire in search of air in the courtyard of the school. I felt bad, the anxiety crisis started to haunt me and it alarmed me. Soon Josh passed with his group, I don't know what they said but they laughed and I thought it was me. I felt humiliated and angry, so I left and went back to the room to call my friend to leave. I was not well.

We then went to my house; I changed my heels and went back with my friend to take him back to the street. I needed to walk for a while to get some air and clear my head.

As I was returning home again, I noticed something behind me.

It was the spotted muscle black man, Josh's friend on the motorcycle, taking him on the back.

I got scared and looked at them.

They turned a corner laughing, and the tall guy spoke in a loud voice:

'' Die, satan! '' And I knew that had been me.

The two laughed at me, and I wished with all fervor that both and especially Josh would fall off the bike and break his beautiful doll face.

That night I cried until I couldn't take it anymore.

***

The next day, I persuaded my mother to change my look. I needed to feel good. Even more so when a ''friend'' of the family questioned my mother because I didn't wear good hair, that mine was already ugly and old, and that if she had money she would give me one herself.

My mom was as pissed off as much as I was that she took me out to a salon at seven in the evening to change my look. We walked all over the city; however, we found a beautiful curly hair that would look good on me. My mom insisted on paying, so she took my organic hair herself and applied the beautifying products while the salon owner finished with a customer. I spent five hours sitting down putting mega hair on a Saturday in June. And I don't regret it! it was the best decision I had ever made.

When I finished, I didn't even recognize myself. Was beautiful! For the first time in my life, I felt very beautiful, the difference was so great that when I walked down the street, I managed to draw everyone's attention to me and that left me with an inflated ego for the first time in my entire existence.

My activities at the church were flowing very well, after all I was the choreographer of the dance group and I felt at peace (on the one hand). I was avoiding Josh on my vacation, so everything was fine. Great, actually!

***

The vacations soon ended and so I put a picture of me with the hair I had before, the organic one) in the ''will I or won't I'' joke on Orkut. Then a young man with white skin and the face of an angel placed it below my photo:

'' Do you have MSN, a babe?''

I didn't care and decided to let it go. The other day, I showed it to my mother and soon she liked it. I was shocked when she told me to give him my MSN.

Of course, I didn't do it right away. I left it there to soak and moved on with my life.

I went back to school and the atmosphere between me, and Josh was on fire. We always exchanged looks, he didn't hide his desire for me in his eyes, even around his friends. But I was adamant, he had hurt me deeply.

I remember walking down the hall towards my classroom, he was talking to one of my classmates. From what I heard, he was asking his friend to give Silvania messages from him - she seemed to be irritated with him.

Then looking me up and down, he said with a smirk:

''Tell her that if she doesn't want to, the line moves.''

I ignored him but noticed in his speech, his hints at me. Robert immediately elbowed me holding back a laugh.

I just rolled my eyes.

I was determined to retaliate for everything he had done to me, I would turn it around. He might not appreciate me, but someone else would. I had to love myself, and Josh wasn't going to dictate that in my life. I would name it! I would be someone, not to show him something, but to show myself that if I want it, I can do it! I am capable.