Chapter 6 6

MEL (2017)

It just dawned on me that this was the same classroom.

I rested my elbows on the table and raised my head, looking around. Eight years have passed, and little has changed here. I don't know if this is good or bad.

I remembered the day Shane dragged me into this class and bullied me.

Well, he was furious!

I wondered if that day was the one when I admitted that I was attracted to Keller?

Or did it happen later? Somehow, after all these years, I feel like it's always been like this.

No, I loved Ryan. Very much so. When we first started dating, I was so absorbed in him - I didn't notice anyone else. He became my first man and I have never regretted my choice.

What happened to Shane and I?

I don't think I've ever really been able to answer that question. Most likely he does too. Perhaps if we had met under different circumstances, things would have turned out differently. Maybe we would have a chance.

But we started out wrong, and it only got worse from there, which led to a disaster.

I know we were both responsible for what we did, but I could put an end to everything! It was just then that he... blinded me, and I rushed into the abyss, spitting on everything.

I took a deep breath and straightened my shoulders: well, I'm not here to hit sentimental memories. I have enough real problems.

All of this gave me a headache. I massaged my temples. I wanted everything to be over as soon as possible. Only then I could breathe easily.

There was a knock on the classroom door. I opened my eyes and saw it was Shane.

My heart skipped a beat: why does he have to look so good?

"May I?"

He smiled a little uncomfortably, which was completely out of character for the Shane I know, and he didn't move without my permission to enter.

I nodded.

"Of course. Take a seat,"- I pointed to a chair for visitors.

Somehow I managed to keep outwardly calm, but inside there was a slight panic. What was he doing here? Why did he come? And how should I deal with him?

Shane sank into a chair and looked at me for a few moments without saying anything.

I was also silent.

"Long time no see," He finally began. He didn't seem to be nervous. He seemed... relaxed.

As if we did not part with tears in our eyes, causing each other heartache.

Well, unless it was only hurtful to me.

"Yeah, it's been a while," I nodded, but I didn't add anything else, giving him a chance to explain what he's here for.

"I wanted to apologize."

I raised my eyebrows a little: what can he be apologizing for?

"Yesterday at the coffee shop... I just wasn't expecting to see you," Shane explained, correctly interpreting the confusion on my face. "I didn't need to..."

"Call me Wallace... It was your first word to me in seven years."

He nodded.

"Exactly."

"But that's my last name, it's all right."

"That's not the point, Mel."

I barely smiled.

"Yes I know. You always did it in a special way."

He ran a hand through his hair.

"Crap!"

I laughed, and it took the pressure off a bit.

"I know you didn't mean to offend me."

"I really didn't mean to, Mel," He assured.

I lowered my eyes and looked at the pen, which I was fiddling with in my hands.

Once upon a time, his contemptuous, as if spat out "Wallace" could hurt more than any insults. But there were moments when he looked down at me and said "Wallace" in such a way that always made my heart ache.

"Don't worry about it," I calmed down and pulled myself together.

We looked at each other silently. Maybe we were looking for similarities with those who we were seven years ago?

Seven years is a lot. We were no longer eighteen-year-old graduates, scared and confused in an attempt to find our place in this world.

Everything has changed. I've changed. Shane has changed as well. Everything is different now

This made me a little sad.

"So, you are Wallace again?" He raised his eyebrows questioningly.

I shrugged.

"Yeah, I got my maiden name back."

"So is it true what they say?" He asked carefully.

I sighed: this topic is unpleasant for me, but I think he has a right to know something.

"Not everything - newspapers lie a lot. But yes, it's true."

He shook his head.

"I'm sorry."

It sounded quite sincere, but I still looked at him incredulously.

"Seriously?"

- I never wished you bad," He said softly, but without hesitation.

"Sorry. I know it. It's just... all of this," I waved my hands trying to describe the chaos that is happening in my life right now, "Is too much. My head sometimes bursts. And I'm sorry I'm telling you this - I don't know why I'm doing this," I smiled embarrassedly.

"I don't mind, you know that, " He reassured.

"Isn't that weird?"

"That we are talking about your divorce?"

I winced.

"Yeah."

Shane rubbed an eyebrow thoughtfully.

"No, I don't think so."

I turned away and looked out the window: I could see the football field in the distance, and the training had already begun.

"Was everything that terrible?" He asked quietly, and I understood that this question was about my marriage.

"No, it wasn't. At least not at the beginning. For a few years everything was fine, and then ... then everything changed." I took a breath and shook my head, "I don't feel like discussing my failed marriage. Can we not talk about it?"

Shane nodded in understanding.

"Yes, sorry. I shouldn't have started."

"So...what's been happening to you... all these years?" God, I wanted to disappear at the stupidity of my question and the unnaturally lively tone.

"I worked, raised my brother, and tried to be a responsible guardian." He shrugged. "I do not know."

"Yes, I heard about your mother. I'm really sorry."

He sighed.

"Thanks."

"So you're kind of like a responsible big brother now?" I joked, to which he smiled repentantly.

"Who would have thought - Shane Keller himself!"

He has always been outside of the norm. Wild, dangerous, reckless. With a head surrendering to all passions. Never did anything by halves.

It was one of the reasons I put an end to everything between us, even though my heart was broken into a million pieces. I was afraid that one day he would simply destroy me, and decided to play it safe.

Many years have passed, my heart is assembled and glued together, but some fragments are still missing. I have learned not to notice it.

"I... try, you know." He lowered his eyes and it became clear to me that anything that is related to his brother is vulnerable to him. "Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. But the only thing I was good at was football, anything else turns into a pile of crap," He admitted with self-irony.

I wanted to object, because he is too hard on himself.

"You were good. You were the best for me," I said to myself. "Only I realized it too late."

"We all did some bullshit. All the time," I said instead.

Shane smiled and rubbed his lower lip with his index finger, and involuntarily my gaze lingered on the sight.

I am no longer eighteen, the passions in my life are long gone, but, like many years ago, the sight of Shane Keller excites me.

"I won't detain you any longer." He got up and made me sad because I didn't want him to leave so quickly. "I'm glad you're here, Mel."

I smiled softly at him.

"Thanks, Shane."

"See you." He went to the door, but suddenly froze on the threshold. Hesitating, he turned around and looked into my eyes. "Ryan is just a jerk, Mel. I would never do that to you."

And he walked away, leaving me devastated and completely crushed.