Chapter 3 Out of Love

In marriage, love is primarily an active interest in the well-being of another person you refer to as your partner. True love acts for the benefit of your spouse more than for your own interests. Love is like a gate widely open. Before you love someone or someone gains your heart, it means the door of your heart has been successfully opened to that love.

When love illuminates your heart, it opens you up to accept the seeker of your love. Once you have given your heart to a lover, your heart begins to experience overflowing joy. Joy is different from happiness. Joy from a true lover is endless. Whether the person is with you or not, your heart is filled with peace. And when your lover is around, there is continued excitement within you.

A Marriage Out of Love

This means a home without true love. That is, there may have been love in such a marriage before, but it was not genuine or it has since been lost. There is a lack of understanding between husband and wife. Such a marriage will not experience true love, peace, or joy.

In such a home, what brought the couple together wasn't sincere affection, but attraction to material benefits or temporary pleasures. A marriage without true love lacks trust, a guiding vision for the future, and raises children without proper moral or emotional training. They may agree in the morning and have a crisis by evening.

Words That Reveal a Loveless Marriage

Here are examples of wrong words or phrases that can indicate a marriage is out of love:

"I will slap you!"

Don't project violence as a means of correcting your partner. It's a statement that comes from anger and frustration.

"Idiot!"

This insults your spouse's intelligence. If you truly believed they were one, why did you choose them?

"You are useless!"

Never call your spouse useless. Everyone has value, including your partner.

"I hate you!"

You are hating your own flesh and bone. Such words destroy emotional connection.

"Can't you be like Mr. X or Madam Y?"

Avoid comparing your spouse to others. Every marriage is unique.

"This marriage will not last!"

Speaking negatively over your marriage can be self-fulfilling.

"I don't think we're meant for each other!"

If you weren't meant for each other, you wouldn't have come together. You're simply in a phase that requires patience and understanding.

"Prostitute!"

Avoid extreme accusations. If there's suspicion, speak calmly and seek counseling.

"I blame myself for marrying you."

Say nothing in anger. You made a choice-work on it, don't curse it.

"Go to hell!"

Speaking such destruction into your partner's life harms both of you.

"I'll destroy you!"

Revenge is not the solution. Two wrongs don't make a right.

"I don't love you anymore!"

Love in marriage is meant to endure. When it feels lost, work to rekindle it.

"You are not satisfactory."

Educate each other. Marriage is a two-way journey of growth.

A Case of Misunderstanding:

A man returned from work tired and hungry. He called his wife, but she didn't respond-she was in the bedroom finishing preparations. He checked the kitchen-no food. The dining room-empty. Frustrated, he shouted, forgetting to call her affectionately.

The startled wife rushed to meet him. He snapped, "Don't call me dear. Where is my food?" Confused, she turned toward the bedroom. "Are you deaf? You must be insane. I'll slap you!" he yelled.

She calmly responded, "You'll slap me because of food? Your meal is on the table inside the bedroom. I thought we'd enjoy it together."

The man was ashamed and apologized. Situations like this show how easily love can get clouded by emotions.

Handle Love with Care

Marriage is like a seed-when love is planted, it grows slowly into a tree bearing fruits of joy, peace, gentleness, patience, and more. But when love is lost, the marriage becomes hollow, filled with suspicion and conflict.

Don't threaten your partner with divorce, insult their intelligence, or degrade their character. Your partner is a reflection of you. Your words shape your home.

Avoid unnecessary arguments. Choose discussions over disputes-arguments try to find out who is right; discussions aim to find out what is right.

Final Thoughts

Abuse, in all its forms, is the most destructive force in marriage. It causes emotional trauma, fear, and disconnection. Offenses will come, but always strive to speak words that heal, not harm.

Marriage is not easy to build-just like raising a child isn't easy. Be patient with each other. True love is flexible-more delicate than an egg-so handle it with care.

If you feel love is dying, seek help. Talk to each other. Go for counseling. Above all, never stop loving.

Love is the anchor. Without it, the home is lost. But with love, any broken home can be restored.