Chapter 3 III

Jane watched her father in silence as he read a piece of paper he was holding. His eyes ran down the lines quickly before he wrote anything down or signed anything and his brow furrowed slightly as he finished each one.

It was almost lunchtime and she wondered if he planned to have at least that meal with her since he had been away all week since she arrived.

He called her into his study, but didn't say a word to her during the five minutes they sat facing each other. She wanted to tell her father that she missed him, but knowing his temper, she knew she would be reprimanded for speaking without permission.

- Didn't you buy her better clothes? - He asked.

Even though he didn't look directly at any of them, they knew he was talking to Hazel just by his tone of voice.

- They're in her wardrobe, sir. She says she finds them very inappropriate and feels uncomfortable wearing them.

It felt like a draft of cold air had just passed through the room when Jeremiah lowered the files he was organising to face his daughter. His eyes travelled over the clothes she was wearing like an x-ray machine, which made her cringe slightly in her chair.

- You will wear what I tell you to from now on. - He said adamantly, turning his attention back to the papers. - Rowan Jansing is coming for lunch tomorrow. Hazel will teach you how to dress properly so that you don't embarrass me.

She nodded and stood up. Jane tried not to get her hopes up about the reunion, but it was still disappointing. So many years without seeing each other and those were the only words she heard from her father; cold, as if she were just one of his subordinates.

Not that she expected him to greet her with a hug and sweet words, that wasn't his style. At least a smile or a simple "it's good to have you back", just enough to remove the impression that she had done something wrong.

His lunch was served in his office, so again, Jane ate alone. There was nothing wrong with the food in front of her, but it tasted different. Nothing in the beef on the bone she was eating justified the bitter taste in her mouth.

She felt as if the walls of the room were closing in on her, as if the air was escaping from her lungs. She covered her mouth when a strange, slightly high-pitched noise, almost a sob, escaped her throat.

Somehow, she forgot how her father used to look at her. She forgot how disappointing she felt no matter what she did. She didn't remember how much it hurt not to have his approval.

The chair made a clattering noise that echoed around the room when she stood up. Her food remained practically untouched on her plate when she left the table. The lump in her throat prevented her from swallowing any more.

She passed Hazel on her way to her room, but couldn't understand what she said. Her hands were still shaking when she sat on the bed with them resting on her knees.

With her eyes closed, she took a deep breath, counting three seconds as she inhaled and three seconds as she exhaled, just as her roommate had once taught her to do. Anxiety weighed heavily on her back, but she held herself upright, slowly trying to regain the air she lacked.

Her father had brought her back for the sole purpose of fulfilling the agreement made between him and the late Conrad Jansing, and she couldn't afford to be shaken by a few simple criticisms. She had to be strong for Joceline.

Now feeling calmer, Jane stood up and faced the mirror. The skirt she was wearing was knee-length and her long-sleeved blouse seemed appropriate for the season. She had never felt so ugly wearing that kind of outfit before, but at that moment it was like seeing a stranger in the place of her reflection.

Jane never cut her hair like her sister used to, so when she loosened her ponytail, it flowed over her shoulders like running water down to her navel. Her hair was light brown and straight, only the place where her hair elastic held it made a small curl at the level of her ears.

Her eyes were also brown. Her chin was thin and she had a slightly snub nose. She didn't used to care much about her appearance while she was in the convent, but so many things had changed since she returned to New York that if it became a habit she wouldn't find it completely unfounded.

She was already tired of knowing that vanity is a sin, so her time in front of the mirror was limited. Girls weren't encouraged to dress up any more than they had to, so Jane didn't even know how to apply lipstick.

Joceline was always tidy, made up and perfumed when they saw each other. She tried a few times to teach her sister to put on make-up, but Jane refused. She saw no need to change what was already naturally perfect at the time.

Before, when her routine was as simple as her life, she didn't have to worry about such superficialities. With the change in circumstances, Jane had to alter many of her habits and learn countless new activities.

She would need to get used to high heels, short, tight dresses and perhaps she would need to let go of every single thing that had defined her for so long and replace it with new things. Many things needed to change, but perhaps that didn't have to mean that she would become a different person in essence.

Perhaps, even through so many different things, she could still keep a bit of herself. Perhaps she would find a new way of being herself in her new life.