Chapter 2 II

Hazel helped her get around the new house. Jane was so used to sharing a room with other girls that she felt lonely sleeping in such a big room on her own.

It wasn't really her room, it was only temporary, but she knew that when she moved out her new room probably wouldn't be so different. The amount of empty space bothered her, but perhaps it was even a little better for getting around than a small room with two bunk beds shared between four girls. This was by far the most comfortable place she had slept in a long time.

The house was huge, the living room was almost the same size as the convent courtyard and the other rooms were just as big. All the furniture in the house matched, but some rooms had more furniture than others. Jane found a piano, but she knew that neither Joceline nor their father played, so she was intrigued by the instrument.

The table at which Jane ate had eight seats, but only she ate there.

The first few days living alone in such a large place were uncomfortable. She woke up at the time she was used to, made her bed and carried out her prayer routine. When she had nothing else to do, she would walk around the huge mansion trying to memorise the rooms so as not to get lost.

Some places she wasn't allowed to enter, but she managed to trick Hazel into entering Joceline's room when she found it.

The decor was a little different from the rest of the house. The walls were a coral or salmon colour, the bed was large and full of pillows and teddy bears. Several shelves full of books circled the walls and photos were pinned to a board above a table with a purple computer on top.

Assuming that most of the people in the photos were her sister's friends, Jane smiled. Knowing that her older sister was so loved eased the weight of her grief a little. As long as all those people remembered Joceline fondly, Jane was sure she would be in a good place.

Some of the photos she recognised. Joceline had taken them with Jane during some of her visits. It was almost possible to hear the sound of her laughter before pressing the button to eternalise the moment.

Jane wondered how it felt to visit so many places and meet so many people. Looking at the happiness and affection on the faces of so many she had captivated with her radiant aura, she wondered if the friends she had made in France, Japan and even Italy had cried when they heard the news.

At times, Joceline didn't seem to realise how much she was loved. Looking into her eyes, Jane saw so much loneliness that it was hard to comment on as she showed off all those places she had visited.

She used to say that she envied Jane for having found her place in the world, because even though she had visited so many places, she didn't feel like she belonged in any of them.

Smiling with her lips pressed together, Jane took one of the photos out of the frame and watched her sister making a silly face at the camera with a strange statue behind her. If she could, she would tell her sister that she never really found her place in the world either.

She went to the convent at a very young age, didn't have a chance to have her say and, over the years, got used to being in a place where nothing she said really mattered. Even in the face of such devotion and blind faith, Jane had many doubts. Questions like the ones she wanted to ask were not well regarded among those people, so she kept them to herself, but they were questions that still kept her awake at night.

Being forced to pray four rosaries didn't cure her doubts, but it did teach her to stop asking questions that might sound blasphemous. Jane was sure that the God she prayed to was not the same as the others, but she kept her own faith.

Jane didn't want to believe that her sister, even though she had been such a charitable and kind person all her life, would be condemned to eternal damnation just for not believing in any religion. She wanted to believe that people are judged by what they do, not who they believe in.

The girl in that photo deserved an infinite amount of peace in the afterlife. The girl who made so many people's lives better and won the respect and admiration of even the bitterest deserved to have her efforts rewarded.

It wasn't fair to imagine that a few things someone did against what the pages of an old book said could cancel out a lifetime of kindness.

The world became less interesting after her death. No one could fill the space Joceline left in her little sister's heart.

Even though she tried not to think about it, Jane wondered how good people were taken away so early while mean and petty people lived to the full into old age. With every question she asked herself, her faith became a little more fragile.

It was curious how years of faith could be eroded by the loss of a loved one. Some nuns had told her that these moments served to test the truly devout, but the pain Jane felt felt more like torture than a test.

What kind of God tortures his devotees? Shouldn't the omniscient God know the heart of each person who prayed to him? Why did life have to be put on the scales to know its worth?

At that moment, she allowed herself to doubt so that the lump in her throat would fall away. She allowed her happiest memories of her sister to turn blue as she clutched that photo to her chest.

She released every tear of regret, guilt and resentment and let them wet her face as her shoulders shook. She imagined herself living in that house with her sister and sharing moments together in a reality where she hadn't remained at boarding school.

She opened herself up to all the feelings so that they could leave her. She expelled every weakness of hers before they came to define her.