Chapter 4 4

When Bruna entered the house, Angela was already waiting for her, sitting on the sofa in the living room. She arrived after 19:00, because after the consultation she had gone for another walk through the city streets. She loved late spring and early summer. Everything seemed to get happier.

- Don't tell me you were in college until this time. - Angela said looking at the clock.

- Of course not, Mom... I had an appointment at the hospital at 4 pm and then I ended up staying there.

Bruna didn't want to bother Angela with her fight with her boyfriend.

- Adrian called numerous times...

- Tell me I'm not.

- So that's it... I knew something was wrong. You never come home this late. Did you fight again?

- Yea. she confessed.

Angela laughed:

- Don't worry about telling me, Bruna. I don't even care about your fights anymore... This is so common.

- This time it's a little more serious. - She said sitting next to her mother on the couch and dropping her bag.

- All the others were too. - Angela observed.

- But this time I really don't want to talk to him, Mom.

- What happened now?

- Nothing important.

- But you said yourself you were serious. Why don't you want to tell me?

- Mom, I don't want to bother you with my problems...

- Never forget that your problems are my problems. But respect if you don't want to tell. And if he comes here soon, which he probably will, I won't let him see you.

- That's what I want.

- How was the appointment?

- All quiet. I'm almost out. - She said raising her hands to the ceiling.

- And the drugs? To be continued? Do you have an estimate of when it will decrease?

- Not yet... Today I didn't even insist for him to decrease. I thought I needed to.

- Because? Did you feel something?

- It's ok, Mom... It was actually funny what happened to me, but never mind. My head thing.

Cassiane and Cristiano entered, making their conversation stop there.

- What happened between you and Adrian? – asked Cristiano giving her a kiss on the cheek.

- Why do you want to know? she asked confused.

- Adrian filled my phone with calls this afternoon. I figured something had happened between you two. He said smiling and winking.

- We fought. - She said with a bored face.

- Again? – asked Cristiano and Cassiane together, looking at each other and bursting into laughter afterwards.

Bruna took advantage of the fact that the two started talking about the question they asked at the same time, took her belongings and went up to her room.

She took off her bracelets, her clothes, took a long hot shower, put on a robe, put on some music on the radio and went to bed. Amazingly, I wasn't thinking much about Adrian and the argument they'd had that day. The fresh and perfumed air came in through the window giving her good sensations.

Angela walked down the hall and said:

- Dinner will be served, Bruna.

- I'm not having dinner, Mom. I'm not hungry.

Angela opened the door and said:

- Yes, you will have dinner. And guess what? Adrian is already there.

- I won't talk to him. she said firmly.

- Bruna, I don't know what happened, but I've never seen him so desperate. I think it was really serious what happened between you two. But he assures that it was all a misunderstanding.

- He said it was a joke, Mom, but it wasn't. If it was , it hurt me a lot. He needs to be more careful with his words.

- If he says it was a joke, I'm sure it was, Bruna. Forgive this boy. He does everything for you.

- I won't see him. she insisted.

Bruna was sure he would be close by, listening to everything she said. And his mother, incredibly, always stood by his side in fights. Angela left and Adrian stuck his head in the door:

- Don't do this to me, my love. Please. You know I love you. Don't make me suffer like this. Everything I said was a joke. Forgive me as I forgave you.

"Have I forgiven you?" She was outraged. What had he forgiven her if she hadn't done anything wrong?

- You know I can't live without you, Bruna.

She pretended not to hear him. She looked away from him and stared at the ceiling. She always forgave him everything and at that moment she was not prepared to once again go over what he had done. She was really hurt. What he had said harshly still echoed in her mind: "I'm not going to marry them and I won't marry you." He left, gave up and left and she let the tears come, initially shy, then running thickly down her cheeks flushed from the afternoon sun. Her heart broke to treat him like that, but sometimes she felt it was necessary. Why did she have to like him so much to be so possessive? All she had in mind was marrying him so they could be together longer, and yet they were farther apart than ever. She knew that her jealousy was getting in the way of their relationship, but she couldn't control it. She was encouraged in therapy to find the reason and always said that she loved him too much and that's why she felt that possession over him. But she wasn't even sure why, as she had no doubts about his feelings for her. He might even be afraid of getting married, but his feelings were sincere. Their relationship had always been like this, with back and forth, little arguments for no reason, sometimes a little more serious, but in the end they always got back together and everything was fine. Both Angela and Cassiane thought Adrian was an extremely sensible and kind young man and had a habit of always thinking he was right. But for some reason, in that moment, she wondered if that relationship could ever turn from storm to calm. Would it be normal to always be that way? Cassiane and Cristiano fought very little. Could all that excitement ever turn to tranquility? Would she ever look at him without fearing he would be the center of someone else's attention?

She had the feeling that everything was always going wrong in her life, hence the treatment, the meds and everything else she did to stay away from depression. She knew of the attention and affection that everyone had for her, however it was always the emptiness that took care of everything. I had the feeling that I would never really be happy. And at that moment he felt that his engagement was going down the drain and he didn't know what to do to save it, because his pride was too strong. Was her pride greater than her love for Adrian? Love... There was no doubt that she felt that way for him, even though he was her first boyfriend. She loved being by his side, hearing his words of affection, especially when he told her he loved her. For her that was very important. And he always said. Still, she preferred to remain a virgin and give herself to him after marriage. Initially I thought that was really what I wanted, without quite knowing why . Over time, he realized that this could make Adrian decide to get married soon, so he began to use it as a way of anticipating their life together . However, he kept thinking that he had other women who probably satisfied him sexually, which left him insecure and with frequent bouts of jealousy. So I wasn't sure what the best thing to do was.

And there were few times that he thought of giving in to desire. The fact of being with him simply satisfied her, so much love did she feel for him. Sometimes he had the impression that he had mapped out his future without even consulting him and had simply put it there, without him even being sure what he really wanted. Yes, they needed to talk more seriously about it... However, they rarely managed to do that without fighting a little. So she often preferred to decide everything and not hear his opinion so there would be no discussion. And he accepted, because he didn't want to argue either, since he always ended up giving in and doing what she wanted.

Her cell phone rang, snapping her out of her thoughts. She saw Adrian's name on the display and didn't answer. He tried several times but she didn't answer.

Before sleeping, Cassiane went to see Bruna and she told her sister in detail how the fight between them had been.

- He made a mistake... I shouldn't have played with it since it's very important to you. - said Cassian.

- I was very hurt, Cassi.

- It was a mistake, but he's sorry, Bruna. And that's why he's mad after you. I doubt you're not sure of Adrian's love.

- He played with something very serious for me...

- It was a joke... Don't torture him like that, Bruna. You know he is suffering and so do you, for you love him.

- I'm so scared, Cassi...

- What are you afraid of, Bruna?

- From my mind. she confessed.

Bruna couldn't hold back her tears and Cassiane hugged her.

- I don't want him to leave me. – Bruno said.

- He will never leave you, my love. He really loves her and everyone knows it. Don't let this insecurity ruin everything. Let him explain himself and forgive him. He's human, he makes mistakes. It's not worth you wasting so much time over a little fight. You need to mature this relationship. It's about time... They've been together for a long time.

His words were like a knife to my heart.

- And you need to forget these words, because they are causing you to suffer for nothing and so does he.

Cassiane left and left Bruna there, pretending she had stopped crying. As soon as the door closed, she let the tears flow. But she wasn't even sure why. She knew it wasn't so serious what he had done for her to act like that. However, she did not feel good about herself and was very afraid. She suffered in advance for fear of her new thoughts, of the man in her dream she had seen twice that day and for what her mind could do. I didn't want to have suicidal thoughts again. She didn't want to go back to taking more prescription drugs, much to her mother and sister's sadness. Nor did he want to go back to the psychiatric clinic.