Chapter 3 Deep sleep

3.....Insane Desire (insane

Lucy's POV

The long walk home is excruciating. Deciding whether or not to run, the little girl is overwhelmed by everything. She just hopes her parents will explain what's happening.

"M-mommy I'm h-home." The little girl calls when she steps in the door, tears running down her face.

"Mommy tell me what's happening. I'm scared." She whispers, walking up stairs and to her mother's room. Her father was at work, her mother doesn't work.

The room is in disarray. Lamps thrown around pictures broken on the floor, feathers from the pillows still floating in the air. Blood on the sheets explains everything though.

"N-no!" the little girl runs over, tripping and stumbling, only to see her mom lying half on and half off the bed, limbs bent in impossible directions.

At this point, the girl can barely see what's inches in front of her, the tears are streaming down her face so fast and hard. Numb, she walks out of the house and leaves it all behind, she understands what an orphan is, it's someone who has no one to take care of them. That's what she is now.

The little girl shivers from the cold, glad now that she had listened to her mother that morning when she told her to bring her heavy jacket.

"M-mommy I miss you." The girl sobs as she curls up on a bench where the buses normally stop, just hoping for someone to come along and save her.

I wake up in convulsions. I'm hyperventilating, and my hands are shaking. I can't see straight and nothing is staying still. With bleary eyes I look everywhere around the room for my pills.

Finally finding the familiar red bottle on the table next to me, I barely manage to get one out without spilling them everywhere. It's harder to breathe now, and I'm dizzier.

***............

Swallowing the pill dry, I pass out again, falling back on the bed.

The next time when I wake up, it's not to convulsions. Luckily for me, the pills had been right beside me. I wouldn't have lasted if they weren't in here.

But where is 'here'? Sitting up for the second time, I take stock of my surroundings, the familiar padded walls, the normal sounds.

I'm back in my cell. But why would they put me back in my cell? Maybe they changed their minds? Nope I don't think so.

Then the door opens and a nurse walks in with a tray of food, and she smirks evilly at me as she sets the tray on the foot of my bed. Glaring back, I act like I'm going to throw the pill bottle at her, and she scuttles out of the room. Ha, serves her right.

Looking distastefully down at the food, I immediately know it's been drugged. I always know these things.

Just the way it's arranged gives that off. The overly stirred soup, so stirred that it's too thin, the bread that was broken open in the middle and squished back together.

God do they think I'm retarded or what? Picking up the tray I go to my door and to the slot at the bottom where they can put food through and one by one shove each item through.

Then I go back to stand on my bed and look up at the camera in the corner. Flicking it off, I take the pill bottle and throw it, and luckily it hits it's mark, breaking the camera lens.

Good, now I'm not being stalked on camera anymore.

After a few minutes have passed, someone comes to get me. As soon as the door opens, I jump up and stand in a tensed position, ready to lunge at whoever tries to touch me.

"It's ok I'm not going to hurt you." A calm voice says as whoever it is walks through the door, then turns to me. Sighing in relief when I see that it's just Cole, I sit back down on my cot.

He comes over and sits next to me, and he's silent for a while.

"You know, they've locked us in this building. There's security guards patrolling every way out, even the air ducts." He says, glancing at me. I don't respond, just stare at the wall, sort of in a daze.

"Leonard, Blake, and I want to get you out of here. You don't belong here. You belong out there, in the open, not cramped up in this small padded room." He whispers, looking up at the window. "I should be going now. But just remember that we're going to get you out of here." With that, he opens the door and leaves, letting it close shut firmly behind him.

Alone again, as always. Lying down on the cot with my back against the wall, I curl up into a sort of fetal position, staring at the slits of light from the window as they dance across the wall. I succumb to sleep soon, and the nightmares that comes with it.

The bus comes a few hours later, to my surprise. I drag my little shivering 8 year old body into a sitting position. The doors open and the scared bus driver looks down at me.

"Get on girl, hurry." The woman says and I rush as quick as I can to get on the bus and into a seat, just as the bus turns around and leaves the town. As I stare out the window, I see something I never wanted to see.

A man, dressed in black, holding a struggling teenage girl that's about 18 years old. He glances up when the bus passes, but then looks back down. The bus passes by, but I turn around to look out the back window.

The man slits the girls throat, and even from this distance I can see the blood spatter on the cold pavement, before he drags her off into the dark abyss of trees.

I start hyperventilating, and someone wraps their arms around me, trying to comfort me. But all I can see is the image of the blood spraying out and coming to rest on the ground, and the guy dragging the girl off.

Shoving the arms off of me with much more force than I knew I possessed, all I can think about is getting away from any touch or words that could hurt me.

That's when I first quit talking or letting anyone touch me.

Waking up in convulsions seems to be a regular occurrence now. Dragging breaths through my unwilling throat, I concentrate on trying to get up, to get the pill bottle from where it was discarded on the floor.

As soon as I make it to a standing position though, I collapse, and the room spins. Blackness closes in on me for a few seconds, before everything comes back in color and I struggle to reach the pills.

Reaching the long distance, my fingers barely brush the slick orange surface. Coughing now, trying to get a breath to my lungs, to clear the blockage in my chest.

Sharp pains, like someone's stabbing, comes from where my heart is supposed to be, and I press a hand to my chest.

Scooting forward just a few inches, I finally manage to grab the bottle, and this time I'm focusing on actually getting it open. With horribly shaking hands, I finally manage to open it, and get a pill out.

Putting it in my mouth and swallowing quickly, I can only wonder if I was too late, if I was dying, as the darkness overcomes me.

Light. Bright white light is the first thing I see when I open my eyes. Am I in Heaven? Of course not, I don't deserve to go to heaven.

"Ah, I see you're finally awake." The voice comes from somewhere to my left, and I weakly turn my head to look.

The stupid leader person is there, watching me with an unreadable expression.

"My name's Dr. Peters. And you are Lucy. The crazy girl." He walks closer to my line of vision and I glare at him as best as I can.

I don't like being in a weak position when around people, it makes me feel like they can hurt me and I wouldn't be able to do anything.

"I bet you're wondering where you are. You're in the top examining room in this building. You had a bad seizure, you died for a few seconds, but you had gotten your medicine in time." He says calmly.

Good lord why are all these people calm all the freaking time?

"I'm going to let you go now, but you have to promise you won't run away." He looks at me sternly, and I think about it for a minute.

Oral promises won't work for me. So, I'll pretend.

Nodding my head innocently, I wait patiently as he unlocks the straps that were on my wrists and ankles. As soon as he's done, I sit up and swing my legs off of the table, dropping onto the floor.

Running around the table and to the door, I swing it open and dart down the hall, his aggravated yell following after me. Everyone should know that I don't make promises. I can't talk, after all.

Going to the only place I know I'll be safe, I get to blamest office.

"lucy, what's wrong? I heard you had a bad seizure, but they wouldn't let us see you!" Leonard says, coming up to me before Blake or Cole can.

I just walk past him and go to sit on Blake's couch, leaning back against the wall. Looking up at them with tears in my eyes, I frown weakly.

Cole gives me a glass of water and I drink it down in seconds, and it makes me feel better. Blake gets me something to eat, and when he comes back, he takes a seat in front of me.

"You don't like it here do you?" He asks softly, and the expression on my face must have answered him.

"There's not much I can do about you getting out of here. You're still listed as clinically insane. And I can't change that until you talk and allow people to touch you. I've also heard that you...hurt yourself sometimes. Or you lash out at people." He looks at me with a cautious gaze.

"You hospitalized people haven't you Lucy? You've attacked them? Killed?" He whispers. Cole and Leonard look shocked when I look away, down at my hands. I know they take that as a yes, and it's true.

I have hurt people. I've lashed out and thrown things so hard that they break bones. And I've hurt myself. Whether it's going on a hunger strike, or digging my nails into my skin until I bleed so much that I could write my name on the wall in big letters, I've done it.

It's not that I want to do that stuff, it's just an automatic defense mechanism. If someone hurts me, I react by hurting them back. If I think of something I did to hurt someone I loved, or if something happened to make me hate myself, I would hurt myself.

I'm insane. Completely insane. I have no hope, I'm never getting out of this place, never. It's only a matter of time until someone takes the time to dispose of me, or if I do it myself.

This institution is going to be my home for a long, long time.

"Come on, lets get you back to your room." Leonard says in a soft voice and takes me up to my room, not touching me a single time. As he closes the door behind me, I crawl into the corner and rock back and forth, my knees up against my chest.

I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy.

From 'i'm crazy' my thoughts go to:

I'm horrible, I'm horrible, I'm horrible, I'm horrible

Then:

I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer

And finally to:

Why the hell wasn't I killed?

For the next few days, everything is hectic. The doctors are trying to get near me to see what new drugs they can give me, and perform experiments like I'm some lab rat.

But each time Blake, Cole and Leonard save me. Either they take me outside to walk around in the back yard of the institution, that I've never gotten to see before, or I'm locked in Blake's office, having him tell me things that I never wanted to remember. I suppose he thinks this will make me better, make me talk.

Cole will come up to me in the hallway on my way downstairs to eat, and shrink away, Leonard will immediately turn around and walk in the opposite direction. They're afraid of me. Ashamed. And that thought hurts me, it hurts me deeply.

They're supposed to help me, not make me feel worse about myself. So, I've taken to lashing out more. It's obvious that Blake's not going to be able to help me, only I can do that. My life, my choice.

Right now, I'm sitting out side on the grass, carefully watched by the guards of the institution, who are lined up in front of all exits, armed with guns and things like that. I'm ignoring them though, just staring off into the distance and hoping that Blake won't come to find me.

He's been getting really annoying lately, always pressuring me to talk. Blaming me for things, trying to guilt me into opening my mouth and saying things. But each time he tries, I keep my mouth firmly shut, and storm off.

I swear, if he does it again, any time from then on, something bad is going to happen to him.

"Ah, Lucy, there you are!"

Speak of the devil.

"Come with me to my office, it's time for another session." When I don't get up, he reaches a hand out, and I know he'd touch me.

He's been doing that a lot lately too, threatening to touch me. Reaching out so close that if I had jerked reflexively, his hand would come into contact with a part of my skin.

Immediately reacting and standing up, I walk behind him up to his office, where he locks the door and makes me sit on the couch.

"Today we're going to be going over all your punishments that you've received while here." He takes a file from his desk and flips it open.

"You were tied to a metal table and shocked, because you killed a doctor by slamming the door on his head..." The list goes on from there. Being hung up by my wrists because I refused to take my medicine. Held under water 'cause I spit in a doctor's face.

This institution is very brutal and gruesome. Best in the world, but people would only send their kids here if the kid had no hope left. When the session is finally over, I'm allowed to leave. Feeling no better or worse about myself.

Well actually, I feel proud. I'm glad I did all of that. It shows I'm not just one more of those idiotic docile sheep called patients on the regular floors. I'm dangerous, and they know it.

Almost skipping back to my cell, I close myself in and sit on the floor, in the corner.

I hope everyone here knows they aren't going to break me anytime soon...