Chapter 9 I DON'T KNOW

"Hey! Watch your mouth," Ashbelle scolded me.

"Son of a whore. It's true tho. I don't know either! I wonder what he fed on me?" she asked, talking in front of my face.

Gosh! I also don't know

"Hey! You guys badmouthing Mico," Ashbelle scolded us again.

My smile widened and I covered my mouth and pointed her. "Wow? Did you... maybe you liked him too?"

"Hey!" His white cheek immediately turned red which made us laugh even more. "I Almost! On elem days!"

"Hahahahaha! Gotcha! Hahahahaha!"

We laughed and laughed on the way. We didn't care anymore about those watching us. We're just that happy.

Even though my days become a roller coaster, I still can't forget to laugh when they're with me. I'm so lucky to have them.

"Hey, you're the one who just talked with Dhine, ok? Don't forget on Sunday," Kate reminded me and I just nodded before saying goodbye to them and entering our house.

"Sis, here..." Irene handed me some french fries and I took them before rolling my eyes on her.

I started walking to the bedroom and changed my clothes. "Hahay... I'm drained." I sigh and give myself some time to stretch. After I changed, I went out and planned to chat with Mom but I saw that she had another talking with so I just lay down on the hammock.

While lying on I was just staring at the tree where sunlight was slightly slapping my face. My mind wandered and I felt like something was missing in myself again.

Dad is just a construction worker and mom is just a housewife. Every time someone calls Mom to plant, harvests, cleans, and wash clothes, Mom grabs that opportunity. Our house is just small. Didn't I say we have a bedroom? It's not actually a bedroom in our house, it's a bedroom in our grandfather's house. Since our house is small and only four people can fit in, my older brother and Irene just sleep at my grandfather's house. Grandpa is alone in his house though. Irene and I were in the same room, but sometimes she sleeps at home, while my older brother and grandfather have their own room. Our kitchen and comfort room were located outside, so it was very difficult for Dad to cook every time it rains.

My older brother Niko, already in his grade-12-graduating on senior high, he would've been in college if only K-12 hadn't been implemented. He wanted to take an ITC course, that's what I heard from him before, but suddenly he said he was just going to take criminology.

While me, I can't decide. It's so disgusting and made me feel lost. I only have a few months left and I'll graduate from Junior High but I still don't know what I want. I used to want to be a chef, then suddenly it changed into a flight attendant, then my mind changed again and I began to liked what my parents wanted for me to take, a PMA. Then it changed again and I wanted to be a psychologist, then neurosurgeon butt in, then I remembered that we don't have money, we couldn't afford it. So I decided to not take those. Hahayz I don't know anymore.

I really envy those people who already know what they want to take, while me, I'm still groping. I never get jealous when it comes to what they have that I don't have, even if it's more than beyond my imaginations. But... When it really comes to this kind of topic, I just get dumbfounded and jealous of others because they already know what they want and they love it so much.

For now, I liked to take architecture but I remembered that I was not good at perspective, I don't have originality. I'm just good at mimicking what I see, and I have to look at it over and over again. And it's not a building, I don't like buildings. But I know I can do that, we can be taught tho. So, if I really have money, that's already fine. But I have to be practical like what my older brother did. If only it's possible to change my desire, I would just take education... but, nah! I can't. I don't want to. Never. No way

I didn't realize that my thoughts were drowning again in those courses, if only my Dad hadn't just called me to eat, I also didn't notice that the bright sky I've been staring at is already dark now.

I hate it, I hate myself that I don't know what I want. I'm always drowning in this thought and I literally waste a few hours staring blankly, looking for an answer but I still didn't get any.

Yes, we are poor, and I know it will be difficult for me to go to college because we might can't afford the expenses, but I know... I can do it as long as I love what I'm doing. But how? How can I do that if I can't find anything? I can't even find what I want. How can I get started? How can I finish if I don't know where to start?

I can't understand it. I can't understand myself when it comes to this topic. I'm average at everything. I can do all kinds of stuff, except sports. And I know, I'm not that good but I can be, after all, learning is the way to be good. But the problem is ... the very number one problem is, I don't even know what path I take to be good. I can't find a path where I can perfectly excel and love it.

I just can't understand and find it.

They said I just needed time... I can find it. But when? When can I find what I want? When it's all too late?

"Gosh! I really don't know anymore, Lara. Just go and be a maid." I sighed, feeling defeated on my own thoughts

            
            

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