Chapter 2 .

"I'm going to marry myself! I have the whole thing planned. The wedding is in a month and I'm throwing a huge party. My buddy Justin is getting ordained, and I'm having a full bar. I have a raging bachelor party planned too. I sent invitations yesterday. The media are going to eat this shit up."

"The idiot actually said it."

The old man may die right now. He looks like he's not feeling so well. Maybe I should ask if he needs his meds?

...Wait? Does my dad take meds?

My mom practically growled at me just now. Is that normal?

"What... the... fuck?" she yelled.

Yep. I broke my mom. She just sits there and stares at me like she's possessed and is now pouring bourbon for herself. Mom doesn't drink, and she said fuck, so that confirms I officially broke her. She never cusses and is always complaining that Dad and I need to watch our language.

"Mom. Come on. Think about it. No one could ever love me as much as I love myself."

My dad's laughing now. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

"Well, that's for damn sure, dumbass. Son, I think you broke your mother. Grace, it'll be okay."

Dad rubbed Mom's shoulder, and she waved him off. She must really be mad.

"Shut up. You're both idiots. Mason, call your friend, Camron Hicks. Have your idiot son meet his daughter."

My mom stabbed at her stake, eating it like a rabid dog. I'm getting a little scared now... and what with this date thing. Does she think I'll stop the wedding if she sets me up?

"Mom. No setting me up. I can get girls on my own."

"She's not a date, you moron. She's a therapist. Olivia is at the top of her field. If she says you're not off your ever-loving rocker, we'll go along with this crazy scheme of yours... for now," Dad groaned.

"Dad, I'm fine."

"Son, you're far from fine. You're a nutcase, but we love you. See the therapist and I will consider not cutting your trust fund."

Dang, it. He said the T-word. Cutting off my money means I have to be normal. I hate normal. He'll expect me to work for him soon, too. Shit.

"Fine. I'll meet with her."

"Good. I'll set it up."

***

Mason's POV

My son is a complete moron. He can't possibly think this is okay. Shit. Yes, he can. Sadly, it will all work out for the dumbass. Everything works out for him. No matter how stupid his cockamamie schemes are, he comes out on top. Where did we go wrong with this boy?

Climbing in bed after this ridiculously long day, I can see my poor wife is ready to have a nervous breakdown. She knows all too well Zander will go through with marrying himself. It's probably not even legal, but he'll do anything for shock value.

"Grace? Honey? Are you all right?"

"Our son is the most brain-dead idiot I've ever known. What is he thinking? No... he's not thinking. He never thinks. He just does whatever stupid shit the pops in his head. And you! How could you go along with this? Don't think you're getting any tonight."

Figures. Zander screws up and I get cockblocked from my beautiful wife for the next week, or so. I'm going to put a hit out on my damn son. There is still a mafia in Miami, right?

Nah. Too easy. He would just annoy the piss out of them until they decided he's certifiably nuts, and they'd feel sorry for him. Or they would hire the moron. He is persuasive. He'd end up the mob boss in a week with as many women as he can handle. Lucky bastard.

"Mama. He's our son. He's stupid, but we love him."

"I love him, but I don't have to like it. Did you hear him talking about women like that? Who taught him that? I should wash out his dirty mouth with a bar of soap. He is about to meet the other side of his mother. No more miss nice mom."

Nice mom? When did that happen? My wife is a hard ass, and that's why I love her so much. She's my little spitfire. Zander better watch his step or crazy dragon lady will be on his ass. Truth be known, they're just alike. She used to come up with crazy schemes too when she was younger. I wonder if she remembers how we got Zander.

A group of women were burning bras on the college campus at a protest and she gave me her bra instead. She told me it was a free pass to her lady parts. She got pregnant with Zander that night.

Damn it. Now I'm thinking about sex. If I just move my hand on his wife's hip and give a little massage...

"Not a chance, slick. Go sleep on the couch."

Shit, I'm banished to sofa city. I'm killing that brat myself. Damn you, Zander.