Chapter 2 Visit to the past

It's almost nine and my mother calls marcels and me for dinner. We all our seated at the dinner table which is bigger than the one in our last house and is way more fancier. My father tries to start conversation by asking marcel about his new friends. Marcel starts rambling about how nice and perfect are the girls living in our colony, I catch myself listing intently hoping that he would tell something about the grey eyed boy and finally after my mother mocks him jokingly for the 4th time about being a pervert he starts telling about his guy friends.

'I wasn't interested in making any guy friends today but since two of them were the best friends of a few girls I was talking to, I befriended the boys too. That reminds me I was thinking to have a small party tomorrow so I can get to know them better, if that fine with u mom' he says clearly sure that my mother isn't going to deny him but also give him some extra money for the party. As expected my mother agrees and my father also suggests

'El u could also join the party tomorrow it's been a long time since u have been to one' interrupting him my mother says

'She has been to her shares of parties and even more before time and I hope that's enough for youth years'.

'Please stop u guys we don't need to discuss the past right now and yes El u should come tomorrow, it is anyways more of a small get together than a party' my brother says with a genuine concern. Without thinking my mouth involuntarily agrees as it's a chance to meet his grey eyed friend again. After that embarrassing conversation with my family, I quickly finish my dinner and go back to my room. I try to sleep but after my family reminding me of last year I can't even lie down peacefully. It was very easy and interesting for me earlier to be busy as whenever I used to be bored I simply would lay down and imagine fake scenarios of me being in a healthy relationship with someone who loves me truly, us travelling different places around the world, him proposing to me with a big diamond ring in front of the Eiffel tower.. Who doesn't want to think about stuff like this after all. It was my favorite pastime. I don't like to think about all that anymore because in reality it can never be that simple. I get saddened by the thought that all those dreams can never come true, that maybe I can never find someone who loves me in the way I want and I love him back. I have had many people proposing to me in the past but they were never someone who I wanted, I couldn't be interested in them or even talking to them even if I tried to. I dismiss my thoughts of my miserable life and decide to read a book. I am confused which to read again between 'After by Anna todd' or 'fifty shades of grey'. I am insanely in love with both these books and have read them at least a hundred times. What I love most about these books is the way Christian and hardin loved and were willing to fight and improve themselves for the girl they love. They didn't have their eyes on any other girl and just wanted to be with their one and true love. Why is that so hard to find in reality? Either I am yet to find that or I am just an hopeless romantic to believe it even exits. I choose to read after again remembering that I had made some notes in the book about the way I felt for the first time reading it. A long handwritten page which I don't remember writing suddenly catches my attention and I immediately regret reading it because all it does is remind me of my miserable past –

5th February 2020 Why does everyone get what they want but me? Everyone's life is perfect but mine is crazier than hell. Everyone has the perfect friends, boyfriend, family yet I remain alone. I guess the problem is in me, he couldn't improve himself for because maybe I don't deserve it. I am so jealous of Tessa, she gets everything so easily. Hardin cares so much, he's improving himself for her but then I guess she is worth improving unlike me. I am no Tessa and that's why I am going to end up alone without my Hardin. I love him, I really do. I know he loved me too but it wasn't enough, not only for me but it wasn't enough for him too. I wish he cared more and made an effort to be who I wanted. After everything he has made me been thru he owes it to me .We almost had the relationship like Tessa and Hardin's, he always came back and I let him, it was my mistake to give chances again and again to this toxicity. I thought he would change himself for me but he didn't. I was in my own bubble thinking he loved me but all he did was use me. He became a habit for me and I thought I loved him but that wasn't love, he just had me trapped. That was when I understood the line 'there's a difference in loving someone and not being able to live without them'.

I don't think I have it in myself to read and hurt myself more. I am in tears till now with a slight headache so I think I should go to sleep. I lay in the bed preparing a mental list for all the work I need to do tomorrow for my new school