Chapter 3 IN WHICH THE YOUNG MAN JONATHAN ARGUES SEVERAL CASES OF CONSCIENCE, WHICH ARE RECOMMENDED TO BE BROUGHT BEFORE YEARLY MEETING.

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My nephew Jonathan had no great love for poor Abel; and he did not tell me his story without passing sundry sarcasms on him, as well as myself, for bestowing so much confidence on the poor unfortunate man. I rebuked the youth for his freedom and uncharitableness, and remembering what Abel had told me of his own idle and trifling course of life, I felt impelled by the new spirit of virtue that possessed me to take him to task; which I did in the following manner; and it is wondrous how completely and how soon (for I was yet lying on my back, groaning with my unhealed wounds and bruises) my spirit assumed and acted upon all that was peculiar in the nature of Zachariah Longstraw.

"Nevvy Jonathan," said I, "the uncharitableness of thy spirit afflicts me. Trouble not thyself to censure the worthy Abel Snipe; but think how thou shalt amend thine own crying faults. It has been said to me, Jonathan, my son, and verily I fear it is true, that thou squeakest upon flutes, and that thou makest profane noises with fiddles; and, furthermore, that thou runnest after, and dost buy, the vanity of pictures, and triest thy hand at painting the same."

"I do," said Jonathan; "and I find nothing against them in the Scripture."

"Verily," said I, "but dost thou find nothing against them in thine own spirit?"

"Not a whit," said Jonathan; "my heart says love them, and my head approves the counsel. Where's the harm in these things? I know thee don't say they are in themselves sinful."

"Verily, no," said I; "but they are indirectly so; for, being wholly useless, the time bestowed upon them is time lost and wasted; and that, nevvy Jonathan, I think thee will allow to be sinful."

"Not I," said Jonathan, stoutly; "I don't believe the wasting of time to be any such heinous matter as thee supposes; had it been so, man would not have been made to waste a third of his existence in slumber. But granting this, for the sake of argument, I deny thy premises, uncle Zachariah. The time bestowed upon these things is not wasted. Heaven has given to nine men out of ten a capacity to enjoy both music and painting; it has done more-it has set an example of both before our eyes, and thus laid the foundation of the divine arts in Nature. What is the world around us but a great concert-hall, echoing with the music of bird and beast, of wind, water, and foliage? what but a great gallery of pictures, painted by the hand of Providence? Nature is a painter-Nature is a musician; and her sons can do nothing better than follow her example. But were Nature neither, it is not the less evident that these arts are lawful and sinless. They can be proved so, uncle Zachariah, upon thine own system of philanthropy; for they add to the happiness of our existence, and they do so without corrupting our morals or injuring our neighbours. I say, uncle," quoth Jonathan, who had pronounced this defence with much enthusiasm, and now concluded with a grin of triumph, "I have thee there dead as a herring!"

"Verily," said I, more pleased than offended at the young man's ingenuity, for my spirit yearned over him the more at every word, "thee has a talent for argument, which I would thee would cultivate; for then thee could get into the Assembly, and finally, perhaps, into Congress, and do much good to thy fellow-men, by reforming divers crying abuses."

"Verily," said he, "the first thing I should reform would be thy philanthropy."

"Don't be funny, nevvy," said I, "for I have not done with thee. Thee was dancing last night, in the house of the vain man Ebenezer Wild."

"I was," said Jonathan; "I was shaking my legs; and I can't see the harm of it, for the flies do the same thing all day long."

"Verily, thee should remember that a reasonable being, that hath a brain, should rather exercise that than his heels."

"I grant thee," said Jonathan; "but thee knows brains are not so abundant as heels; and thee should expect the mass of people to conduct according to their endowments."

"Jonathan," said I, "if thee thinks to make me laugh, thee is mistaken. Of a verity I will not be rigid with thee; but, verily, I must speak to thee of what I hold thy faults. Thou hast a vain and eager hankering after the society of giddy women."

"I have!" said Jonathan, with great fervour. "Heaven made women to be loved, and I love them-especially Ellen Wild!"

"Sure," said I, "I have heard that name?"

"Sure," said Jonathan, "it would be odd if thee had not; for thee knows her well-thine old friend Ebenezer's daughter."

"A giddy girl, Jonathan, I fear me; a giddy girl!"

"As giddy as the dev-that is, as giddy as a goose," said Jonathan.

"What!" said I; "thee meant something worse! Verily, I have heard thee uses bad language, Jonathan."

"By jingo!" said the youth, indignantly, "there is no end to the slanders people will say of one. I use bad language? By jingo!"

"Why, thee is at it now," said I; "let thy yea be yea, and thy nay nay; for all beyond is profanity or folly. But thee will allow, Jonathan, that when thee is among the people of the world, thee uses the language thereof, forgetting the language of simplicity and sobriety, which would best become thy lips?"

"Ay; there I plead guilty, and with good reason too," said Jonathan. "When I was a boy, thee had thoughts of making me a merchant, and thee compelled me to study French and German. Now, when I meet a Frenchman or a German unacquainted with the English tongue, in what language does thee suppose I address him?"

"Why, French or German, to be sure."

"Verily, I do," said the youth; "and when I get among the people of the world, I speak to them in the language of the world; for, poor ignorant creatures, they don't understand Quaker. Moreover, uncle, does thee know Ellen Wild is of opinion we Friends don't speak good grammar? Now she and I spent a whole hour the other evening, trying to parse 'thee is,' 'thee does,' 'thee loves,' and so on, and we could not work them according to Murray. I say, uncle, does thee know of any command in Scripture to speak bad grammar?"

"No," said I; "but it is not forbidden; and the phrases mentioned, thou knowest, have crept into our speech as corruptions, and are only used for conversational purposes."

"Truly," said Jonathan, "and the language of the world is used for conversational purposes also. I say, uncle Zachariah, that now's a clincher!"

"I won't quarrel with thee on this account, Jonathan. But how comes it thou wert seen in that wicked place, the theatre?"

"By jingo!" said he, "Snipe has been blabbing there too!"

"What!" said I, "does thou strive to conceal it?"

"Yea," said Jonathan; "for when we do our good deeds, we should do them in secret. Uncle Zachariah, I went to the theatre in charity."

"Thee did," said I, charmed more than I can express at the thought of the young man's virtue.

"Yes, uncle," said the youth; "and great need have the actors of charity; for a poorer set of fellows I think I never saw got together." And here the rogue fell a laughing in my face: "And so thee need not distress thyself; for I sha'n't go there again until they get a better company. But, uncle Zachariah, thee has exhorted me enough for one time, and it is my turn now. So do thou be conformable, and answer my questions; for, I can tell thee, I have a fault to find with thee. According to thine own system of philanthropy, it is thy duty to make thy fellow-creatures happy. Now I ask thee whether thou dost not think it thy duty to make me, thy loving nephew, happy, as well as a stranger?"

"Verily," said I, "I do."

"Why then," said Jonathan, "there is a short way of doing it. Uncle Zachariah, I want to be married. Ellen and I have talked the matter over, and she says she'll have me. Now, uncle, thee did once talk of giving me a counting-house, and ten or twenty thousand dollars, as the case might be, to begin a commission business; and Mr. Wild talked of doing as much in the way of dowry to Ellen. And now I say, uncle Zachariah, as the shipwrecked sailor did when he prayed among the breakers, if thee means to help me, now's the time."

"What!" said I, "have I so much property?"

"Thee is joking," said the youth; "thee is a rich man, and thee knows thee can afford it. But thee must do it soon, or it may be too late; for, I can tell thee, folks begin to talk of thy philanthropy, and say thou art flinging away so much money that presently thou wilt have nothing left to give me. Mr. Wild is of this mind, and he has hinted some things to me very plainly. In a word, uncle, if thee does not permit me to marry Ellen soon, he will break the match. And so, if thee will make me a happy man-"

"I will," said I, with uncommon fervour; "thee shall marry the maiden, and I will straightway see what I can do for thee. Verily, what is wealth but the dross of the earth, unless used to purchase happiness for those that are worthy."

At these words Jonathan leaped for joy, seized my hand and kissed it, vowed I was "his dear old dad, for all I was only his uncle," and ran from the room-doubtless to impart the happy tidings to his mistress.

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