Chapter 10 HEAVY WITH SECRETS

The next morning, Bryan woke up with a strong headache and an overwhelming uneasy feeling. There was a golden glow across the room, cast by the morning light that penetrated through the curtains, yet, the beauty of the morning did not seem to ease the tension that suffocated him. He felt heavy, and his legs felt numb; his mind was occupied by the event that took place last night between him and Mira, my beloved sister.

He slowly sat up as thoughts of Mira taking him by the hand and leading him to his chambers upstairs, began to roll in. How his body longed and felt an unusual attraction to her, he replayed how she pressed her naked body against his, making him take in all her body warmth, how she immediately started kissing and caressing him so fiercely.

She made love to him in a way no one had ever done, and did things to him he never dared fantasize in romance. Not even I, his beloved Tessy, had had a session so fierce and desperate with him as Mira did.

He found himself fantasizing how she had roughly kissed him from his lips down, tracing his body with her tongue down to his groin. The mere thought of it made him almost explode with passion and longing, And the thought of how it felt good, made him nauseous and ashamed of his dark desires.

He clenched his fists and tightened his grip on the sheets as the reality of his betrayal of me settled in his head. But there was a dark side of him that wanted more, but he dared not admit it to himself or explore that fact.

Bryan battled with the unending panic that surged within him as he fought the urge to either open up to me and risk losing the trust we had built over these past months or if he didn't admit it, it would disappear.

The days of lovemaking with me that followed after that night became sessions of absent and distant-mindedness. They were torture for the both of us as Bryan fought devouring guilt of an event he couldn't undo anytime he was with me, and I, on the other hand, knew something was wrong but couldn't reach him. Our glorious days of laughter and cheerfulness became a hollow of torture. I noticed he became evasive anytime I brought up plans for our wedding. He wasn't enthusiastic about it anymore like he used to.

One cool evening, as we sat in the garden, relaxing under the sunset and sipping tea, I asked again, this time with more firmness. "Bryan, is something bothering you? Are you okay? I have noticed you have been absent-minded ever since the engagement party". I paused for a while, studying his expression and locking my gaze with him to prove that I wasn't taking 'nothing' as a response this time around. "If anything is the matter, you know you can always tell me". I continued without averting his gaze.

Bryan gave a forced smile and hesitated before speaking. "I am okay sweetheart, it's..... I....I am only stressed from work, that is all".

I tried to study his expression for a moment in search of an answer, a truth he was shielding from me, but I found none and I didn't push further even though I was a hundred percent sure there was something.

With time, the intimacy between us began drifting away; he averted my kisses, touches, and even my advancements on cold nights when I needed him. He was always absent-minded and dismissive whenever I tried to engage him in a conversation.

"Bryan, am I the problem?". I asked with a broken heart one evening when I intentionally walked out of the shower without my clothes on. I was starved of his touch. I needed him to look at me the way he did before. I needed him to wrap his arms around my wet body like he always did whenever I stepped out of the shower. I needed him to smell my hair and plant kisses on my forehead once again. But those days were gone, the passionate lovemaking, the conversations, the lingering stares. My ever-longing Bryan had died.

"You are not the problem Tessy". He replied without even turning from staring at the window to take a look at me.

I wasn't convinced, so I walked up to him. I stood in front of him with water dripping from my hair and the steam from the warm shower still hovering around me. "You won't even look at me these days; you won't even touch me like you used to. Bryan, if you say I am not the problem, then I demand an answer as to why you have been distant lately".

"I have given you an answer, Tessy. Why not just drop it and leave it at that?". He snapped and walked out of the room.

This sent a heat of pain down my spine, and before I could hold back, hot tears ran down my chicks. Where could we have gone wrong with a love so perfect and pure?

Later that night, when he returned to bed, I noticed he lay awake all through the night, his mind far from the present, and I was deprived of sleep too, but none of us could find comfort in each other.

He shifted and turned on the bed restlessly; he regretted his decision that night; he should have fought; he should have walked away.

Bryan thought about confronting Mira about what had happened between them. He wanted to tell her it would never happen again, but he was worried that if he acknowledged it, it would be real, and now, he was worried about his dark desires of wanting her too. But he settled on burying it all deep inside him; he hoped it would remain a thing of the past and never surface, for it was the best decision he could think of.