Chapter 7 Echoes of Desire-7

Ten minutes later, I stared at Tami's Acura sitting beside Nathan's truck, "Dumb-ass, what did you expect? They're married!" my inner-voice mocked.

"Oh, fuck off," I grumbled back.

At my heated reply, my inner voice shrugged. "Oh, you poor whiny-ass, baby-deal with it."

Heart dead inside, I turned up the radio and pushed down on the gas. Soon, I was speeding through the streets, not knowing, nor caring where I was going. I was running, running from the misery that swirled around me, dark, heavy, and suffocating.

~~

The next morning, I pried an eye open. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," I moaned, pronouncing each word with the drumbeat in my head. What the hell had I been thinking? Last night, I'd found myself at a small bar just out of town. I wasn't much of a drinker, and I didn't care for drinking alone when I did, so, I'd sought company to drown my sorrows with.

With another groan, I eased my way out of bed and gingerly made my way to the bathroom. Minutes later, I stepped from the shower, dried, and padded into my bedroom.

After pulling out a soft flowing skirt that, when worn, flirted with my ankles, I paired it with a lime green tank that was the same color as the tiny flowers on the skirt. Staring at myself in the full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door, I saw the unhappy glow emitting from the depths of my eyes. However, there was nothing to do about it-time was the only answer.

Grimacing at how exhausted I looked. I grabbed my foundation and tried to conceal the worst.

When I'd finished, I peered at myself, a slight smile gracing my lips. Though my eyes revealed my inner turmoil, the rest of the damage, mostly, was concealed.

Finishing my time before the mirror with a swipe of strawberry-flavored gloss across my lips, I declared myself done. Afterward, glancing at my watch, I saw that I was running late and didn't have time to prepare coffee.

After spooning some food into Thurston's bowl, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

~~

When I arrived at the bureau, I spotted Nathan's truck in the parking lot. The now-familiar sadness tugged and pulled at my heart. Letting out a breath, I climbed from the pickup, locked it, and made my way toward the building.

As I walked, I wondered-could I do this? Could I walk in there and act as if everything in me wasn't sobbing? Wasn't missing him with every fiber of my being: That, every hope, dream, wish, and desire hadn't been squashed? Yet, no matter the grounds behind my decisions, I couldn't stop my heart from yearning for what it couldn't have. The heart doesn't reason. It doesn't have morals and boundaries. It doesn't know right or wrong. It only feels.

As I reached the double glass doors, I stood before them, taking several deep breaths, pulling my shattered being around me. Finally, when I had done all I could to strengthen my trembling emotions-but turn around and walk away-I pulled the doors open.

Nodding in Jolene''s direction where she sat behind the dispatcher's desk, I continued placing one foot in front of the other, moving forward. Yet, the closer I drew to the bullpen, the more my anxiety grew. My nerves were frayed to the point of madness, and I felt I might climb out of my skin. Stilling within the hall, I leaned my head against the wall, sucking in air. Things began to gray around the edges, and I realized I was close to having a panic attack.

A little at a time, I slowed my breathing, working to bring myself out of the state I'd slipped into. When I felt I'd gained enough control, I wouldn't pass out on the floor, I pushed off the wall and moved forward again. My mouth had gone dry with the episode, and I needed a cup of coffee in a major way.

As I came to a stop before the entrance to the break room, I peeked inside, my stomach jumping into my throat when I spotted Nathan inside.

"Shit," I swore. I needed that damn cup of coffee.

Well, there was nothing for it but to jump in with both feet. At some point this morning, I would have to face him anyway, so, I might as well get it over with now.

Pulling my shoulders back, and holding my head high, I blew through the doorway, my eyes immediately colliding with Nathan's.

I knew, in that second, I should turn tail and run; instead, I stood my ground. Jutting my jaw and refusing to cower, I made my way to the coffee pot.

Nathan jerked out of his chair and headed across the room in my direction, but shaking my head, I held up my hands. "Don't. Please."

Without a pause in his step, he continued coming toward me anyway until he stood in front of me. I could see the pain reflected in his amber orbs as he gazed at me before he closed the emotion off completely. "Sorry about being so rude yesterday, like I said though, I had something to take care of."

I fought the urge to sneer that I knew what, or more to the point who he was taking care of; instead, I shrugged. "Thanks for the apology but whether you'd stayed or went made no difference to me."