Chapter 3 Again

Exactly one month and one day later.

It hadn't worked. Again.

Despair clutched at Joy's already cramping stomach as she hunched over the toilet seat. There had to be something wrong with her. Because it didn't make sense. The clinic had tried a different procedure this time, putting the sperm right into her womb instead of just on the cervix. It was a more expensive procedure but wasn't supposed to give her a better chance of conceiving.

A total waste of money as it turned out.

She dreaded telling her mother. Yet, she would have to. Joy wished now that she hadn't confined her plan in the first place. She should have just gone to the clinic on her own, in secret. That way, she could have handled her disappointment in private, without the added pain of watching her mother's disappointment. Her mum sometimes pretended that she didn't mind not having grandchildren but Joy knew that wasn't the case. She'd often said how she'd wanted to have a bigger family herself.

Joy frowned at this last thought. If her mother had wanted more than one child, then why hadn't she had some more? Joy's Dad hadn't died till she was mine. Joy sucked in sharply at the possibility that her mother had been unable to conceive more babies. But if that were so, then why hadn't she mentioned it to her? It might be an important clue over why she was having such trouble conceiving herself.

Not that she could go out and ask her right now. They were both at the salon, working. Wednesday was always a busy day. It would be impossible to question her till they were on the way home late this afternoon.

Her mom knew, the moment she saw Joy's pasty face and dull eyes, that her period had arrived. The poor darling, she thought sadly as she watched her daughter put on a smiling face for a client.

"You know, don't you, mum?" Joy said the moment they were alone in the car on the way home. She'd seen the sympathy in her mother's eyes when she'd come out of the powder room a couple of hours earlier. The sympathy and the sadness.

"Yes," was all her mother could bring herself to say. She was close to tears. Not for herself but for her daughter.

"Mum," I've been thinking, was there any physical reason why you didn't have more children?"

Her mom swallowed. She'd been expecting this question for ages.

"Not that I know of," she answered truthfully. "I was thoroughly checked out, the same way you've been. One doctor said stress and tension can sometimes be the problem."

"Yes, I've read about that," Joy said. "That's why couples sometimes fall pregnant after they've adopted a child."

"Your father and I were going to foot a child," her mom confessed. "But then he was..." she broke off, unable to continue.

"Oh, mum. I'm sorry. I know how much you loved Dad."

After her dad funeral she'd listened to her mother cry at night for months. It never surprised Joy that her mother hadn't ever dated again or remarried. She'd been a one man woman.

Joy knew she'd never find that one true love like her mother had. But she was going to become a mother, come he'll or high water. All afternoon, she'd been thinking about the latter John left for her a month ago. When she'd first read it, she'd been incredibly touched, especially with his intuitive observation about her fragile nervous state. She'd almost changed her mind about going back to the clinic and rung him straight away. But, in the end, she simply hadn't had the courage to take what would have not to involve other people, and to not face the problem of actually having sex with john. Joy understood that sex for men was not the big deal it could be for women. For her, anyway. She'd become more edgy about it as she'd got older. Less confident. More nervous.

But the time for being nervous Nelly was long gone. If she didn't take john up on his offer she would always regret it.

Of course, he might have changed his mind by now. God, she hoped not!

Well, if he had, she'd just have to persuade him otherwise, Joy vowed with renewed resolve. If he waffled, she'd remind him now how much he'd always wanted to have sex with her!

Joy might have been shocked at herself if she hadn't been so fired up.

"Mum, I think that i might go away for a while. On a holiday."

"Oh? Where to?"

"Somewhere warm. In Australia, of course. I don't want to go overseas."

"Carina is nice at this time of the year," her mother suggested.

"I was thinking of Darwin. I've never been there . And I've always wanted to see kakadu." A total untruth . Joy had seen one or two documentaries about the Northern Territory and was not at all interested in vast wetlands filled with biting insects, wild buffalo and crocodiles.

"Really?" Her mother said,sounding surprised.

"I could go on some organized tours. That way I'd have company. You could manage. I managed when you left to be an Estate Agent, didn't I? When were you thinking of going?"

"Not sure yet. Possibly the end of next week." Joy knew exactly when she would ovulate. She'd been charting her cycle for months. Two weeks after her period started was beginning of her peak days for conceiving. No point in going to Darwin much before then. At the same time, she'd to make it seem like she was going on a real holiday. She could hardly just go for a few days.

"For how long?"

"I'm. A week or so, maybe ten days." She added for good measure.

"So you won't be going to the clinic for another procedure next month?"

"No, mum. I've decided to have a break from that for a while."

As soon as they arrived home, Joy made the excuse that she needed to lie down for a while. When her mother offered to make her a cup of tea, she declined, saying she was going to take some painkillers and have a short nap before dinner. Fortunately, it was her mother's turn to cook.

Also, fortunately, Joy's bedroom was at the back of the house, some way from the kitchen. Once her mother turned on the television, she would not hear Joy talking on the phone.

Joy's hands were literally shaking as she drew John's letter out of the bedside drawer where she'd kept it over a month ago. He'd given her two numbers, one for a regular mobile, one for a satellite phone. She say on the side of her bed and tried the mobile number first. It rang, thank heavens. She would have hated for it to be engage. As it was, she'd skyway worked herself up into a right side.

"For pity's sake, John answer the damned thing." She muttered under her breath after it had rung several times.

But he didn't, and the phone eventually switched to his message bank. A despairing Joy didn't leave any message, choosing instead to try the satellite phone first. She actually prayed as she punched in the numbers