Chapter 4 Who is she

Rowan~

I thought it would be easier after all this time away, but it's not.

Looking at the academy again after everything made my stomach churn and my heart race with anxiety. The memories that were once sweet now felt bitter on my tongue every time I closed my eyes to avoid looking at the academy's facade. It was so damn hard.

But I couldn't run anymore, couldn't show weakness. Everyone was understanding when it happened, but so much time has passed-I should have moved on by now.

So why did the guilt still crush me so much?

"Come on, Rowan." Reiner placed his hand on my shoulder, making me look at him. "Forget the past, focus on the fun we can have here." He gestured toward some girls walking in front of us, waving and smiling like catalog toys. "So many new students, so many new possibilities."

I rolled my eyes, brushing his hand off me. How could he be so naturally obnoxious? "Maybe that only works for people like you, Reiner."

"Don't think you can fool your brother, Rowan." He smiled maliciously, his eyes sparkling like fire. "Do you think I don't know all the things you did over the summer?"

"That's enough." I shoved him, not wanting to remember the darkest days of my life. I was punishing myself enough; I didn't need him reminding me of those things too.

He laughed, "After that, I thought you'd be a little more like me, brother," he continued to provoke me. "I thought we could have fun together."

"Women aren't toys for me, Reiner."

"We could find you another charity case then." I flew at his throat the moment he said that. I had been looking for something to vent my anger, my frustration, and he seemed like the perfect target for it.

"Never speak of her like that again," I growled, feeling my chest ache, broken into a million pieces I couldn't put back together. Reiner only smiled, sadistic as he always was. My heart was shattered after what happened with Lowen, but he hadn't had a heart left in his chest since his own disappointment.

I let go of his collar and pushed him against the car, exhaling heavily. He just wanted to provoke me, to make me feel the pain he felt. I couldn't get drawn into his sadistic games-I was already suffering enough without him.

I grabbed my bag and headed to our dorm, Pegasus, rushing to my own floor and my room. At least I had to acknowledge my mother's efforts to make things work for me. A dorm just for me and Reiner made my life a lot easier. Although I wished he would disappear from my life as well.

I didn't know if I could bear going back to my old dorm and reliving all the memories I had with Lowen.

I rushed to the bathroom, stripping off my clothes and stepping under the cold water to try and relax my muscles, and more importantly, my heart.

But it wasn't working; I needed to let off steam, to burn off all the excess energy running through my body-adrenaline coursing through my veins, the sadness, and the damn loneliness.

"Jax," I called my wolf in my mind after getting dressed.

He had blocked me out a while ago, when I started hooking up with countless girls to forget about Lowen. As if that would solve anything...

I didn't blame him for distancing himself from me, but he couldn't let me go through this alone. He felt how painful it was for me when everything happened-how painful it was to think that only a few days were left until she turned sixteen, and we would finally find out if we were mates or not, painful to think that I would never know. Jax liked her, and that always gave me hope that she would be ours.

I sighed, realizing he wasn't going to come back to help me now. My last option was Elara-she could help me.

I left the dorm and made the long, torturous trek to the girls' dormitories at the start of the trail. It wasn't easy to just let go of all the memories I had with her here, on these same paths, in this same school, in this place. I could still hear her contagious laughter, still hear her voice.

This was a damn punishment.