Chapter 4 4

The funeral was the next day and I was still a mess from the crying when my mother's teal '97 Sunfire shuttered to a halt on the dull grey gravel of the funeral home parking lot. My mom was naturally a 'jerky' driver, a trait I was likely to inherit, but this time it was because her brakes were going. She cursed before we got out and were met with cold rain. We went up to the dark wooden door quickly to avoid the rain so the outside of the old building was a blur of bricks and windows to me.

When we stepped into the warm, bright hallway, the sickening smell of flowers and powder met my nose and I subconsciously clenched my jaw muscles. The smell would probably be forever associated with the experience and I remember looking up to see the somber faces of two of my friends; Laura and Ethan. They were alone and their parents must have been standing in amongst the various relatives and friends and school officials including the principal and several familiar teachers who all crowded the rooms.

My mother was greeted impassively by Nate's mother and she greeted me as well with puffy eyes and a tear-stained, weary face. I just nodded back, not able to find my voice. Ethan sat with his slim arms around his girlfriend, whose head was bowed with a box of tissues between her legs and a tissue held up to her leaking eyes and nose. Laura's body shook slightly while she cried as if the tears were making their way from her heart all the way to where they poured out of her eyes. I could hear her soft sobs over the hushed conversations of the adults. As my mom moved off towards a group of parents she knew, I stared through the slowly moving shapes of people and my feet seemed to get stuck to the disgusting pink carpet. I made the decision to approach the open casket, knowing my reaction wouldn't be good. Part of me wanted to see him and the other part knew it would be disastrous. Suddenly, I felt someone's arms around me, bringing back memories of Nate and making hope burst from my heart with one last heavy beat. I inhaled as I turned around and West pulled me away from the casket, before I could lay eyes on my dead boyfriend.

"You don't want to be doing that, mate." West told me grimly, as he guided me to the sofa where Ethan and Laura sat. The hope left, leaving an even more immediate pain in its place. I was never going to feel Nate's arms around me ever again. Renewed tears came to my eyes as I collapsed next to them and felt the tears run down my face. I barely saw Ariel come over through my blurry eyes, but I felt her hold my hand tightly. At the time I thought it was my tear that fell onto my hand, but I realized later that it must've been Ariel's.

"It's okay." They kept saying, but I knew it wasn't true. They said it as if they were trying to convince themselves that an unstoppable force could be stopped. I cried myself to sleep on West's shoulder and woke with a crick in my neck.

"Sorry," I mumbled to him as I straightened up and hugged myself tightly, to keep from falling apart.

"It's okay," he whispered quietly. Then, people started leaving and my mom came over and held out a hand to me.

Soon, we were standing in the rain in the grave yard. Ariel pulled me under the umbrella that West held over their heads and my skin felt cold in the frigid spring rain. My stomach dropped when I looked down into the grave that had been dug. Tears streaked down my face and mingled with the rain as they fell from my face. I was dizzy, when they lowered the casket and the short burial felt rushed. I hadn't heard a single word they said and after it was over, I felt regret wash over me as cold as ice. I hadn't said anything... I hadn't come up with anything and his family hadn't asked for me to say anything. I should've said something. He was important to me. I was broken without him and would miss him forever.

I put my hood up to cover my already wet hair and I walked down the empty streets. There were a few cars and as the buildings got taller, more people occupied the sidewalk. I found myself walking towards the school and then at the last minute found the perfect place to go. I stepped into the alley where we had put our mark. It said 'Falling but only to Rise again Stronger' which was something we would say about our lives sometimes. It meant that as we fall in our lives, we only end up rising as people in the world. Eventually, our mistakes make us into better people and we're able to 'fly' or live...basically. I had come up with it when West was complaining about how much work school was. I leaned backwards against the wall across from ours and slid down onto the wet, dirty ground, gazing up at the 5' by 9' sky blue, Athena, grey, and black words that took up most of the wall. I sat for twenty minutes just looking at it and remembering the work we put into practicing and designing our piece.

"Athena?" I heard a ragged voice and looked up to see Ariel. Ariel wasn't her real name, I remembered. Nate had told me it was a nickname because when they had met her, it was right after she started dying her hair deep red and they thought it was cool so she joined their group. Her real name was Tessa and I thought it was cooler than her nickname. She was wearing a jean Peteet over a hoodie, the hood of which she had pulled up over her bright hair and she approached me with her hands in her pockets.

"Hey, Ariel." I said hoarsely.

"Hey." She said in her low voice sliding down next to me to face our piece. We had gone through so much that nothing physical seemed to be able to hurt us more than the emotional pain that we were immersed in. We sat with our sneakers in the water, our legs folded with our thighs touching our calves and our arms around our knees. For a few minutes, we just stared up at it and then she put her head on my shoulder and started crying. I took her hand in both of mine and leaned my head back against the bricks to look up at the clouded sky, letting the cold rain soak my face.

"Athena," she said through her sob. I looked down at her. "I almost decided to join him." She whispered with pain contorting her face as she showed me a big red cut on her wrist. I smiled to keep myself from sobbing and said simply,

"Me too." I showed her my bandaged arm and she wore the same smile; a smile of utmost sadness that people often mistook unless they were feeling the same odd cocktail of emotions.