Chapter 5 More memories

I willed for my emotions to stop clouding my judgement just as Laur parked the vehicle. I liked how he had always known what I needed. In the moment shooting at something was what I needed. It reminded me of home. Sometimes I missed home but knowing how much was at stake I just couldn't. I had stirred up a jar that I was not ready to dip my finger into yet. I put on my earplugs and took hold of my gun. This just served to be a good memory for me. I remembered how it was just so nice to play with guns. The first toy my father ever gave me was a toy gun. It was the best gift anyone gave me.

He taught me how to shoot using pebbles and by the time teenage rolled around he had gotten me to be able to use a gun and I always carried one with me. At fifteen I was a fully-fledged soldier for the family and I enjoyed every bit of it. My father had made me and somehow I knew this was his punishment for not appreciating all that he had done and messing up his mission. I found my mind drifting back again to that day when things just stopped going my way.

"Shel, are you okay? Try and breath." For a person whom he has just met a few moments ago he seems to care, at least more than he should. I do not let that slip though and I am thankful for the first time for the fact that I am completely unable to speak when the anxiety hits. I let myself follow the pattern of his deep voice and his breathing to get myself out of the holds of my cage. I try not to think about all the things that my father says whenever I go through such an episode and I almost manage to get it all out of my head. Most of it except the fact that with my anxiety I can never survive in this world. I can already see all the ways that I have sabotaged the mission and this time because of a damned emotional surge that I cannot control. I feel the anxiety being replaced by something different. Something so raw and primal. Something I am sure I have never felt before in my life. I begin to slowly feel my eyes focus and the world around me becomes even clearer.

I take my time bringing my breathing back to normal. I can feel the grip of the man around me hardening slightly. I can also feel the two pairs of eyes from my clan watching me from the shadows, one scornful as I can imagine how much my father feels like I'm going to disappoint him. I reach for my pulse slowly not wanting to arouse any suspicion from the man helping me, or the two girls watching from a few paces off. I take out the small bottle and take a pill from it, popping it into my mouth and chewing it slowly. I know it won't take effect soon but the problem is only one. If I swallow it all it will be lethal for me and I do not wish to die, even if my life is hell, it isn't hell enough for me to wish for such a way out. I turn around and look into the man's eyes before bringing myself closer to him and hugging him close to my body and whispering a thank you in his ear, I kiss his cheek. It works like a charm. Before I know it, his lips are on mine and his tongue is exploring my poisoned mouth like the depths of the ocean.

I am well aware that I am on the job but right now all I can focus on are his lips and the urge to succumb to darkness. I am begging to my goddesses to ensure that I have not overdone it when he hasn't had any. I can tell that the kiss is almost coming to an abrupt end when I feel him pulling away. I can tell it is not voluntary since I am also succumbing slowly. I open my eyes but just enough to see a hood being put over his eyes and then one is put on me. I do not struggle with them as I know they are my father's men, also I do not have enough energy to keep pushing around with them. I am already feeling tired and drowsy enough that I am just waiting to find myself on a flat surface so that I can fall asleep knowing I am secured. I feel my body being lifted off the ground and being thrown into a car, key word being thrown, before I let my eyes close and succumb to the darkness.

"What do we do with her?" I hear a voice ask but my mind is too lost to actually think or compose a full coherent thought of it's own. I try opening my eyes but something prevents me from doing it. I cannot feel anything, even a pulse on my body which should be a clear indication. I choose to ignore it however, and try to focus my energy on opening my eyes. That will at least help me out. I acted stupidly and now I am paying for it. Who on earth just chews on something so lethal in an attempt to right a wrong? I am sure my father is very proud of me now, sickly proud. I almost smile at that thought. In this world, it doesn't matter the connections you have with someone you always end up losing them, hell you could lose your own self for that matter, like I am. I want above everything else to ensure that the fear I have at this moment doesn't turn out to be true but that doesn't stop me from trying again. It feels as though a certain force is pulling on my eyes causing them to be too heavy.

"She's dead, out cold, just like the dude." A voice speaks without a care. I know that voice, I have known it all my life. It was the voice I heard the first time as a baby cooing at me and letting me feel loved. It is the voice that reminded me of all my wrongs and how I could right them during my teenage years. It is the voice that groomed me for what I stupidly did today. The voice of the man I have been trying all my days to ensure that he is proud of me. I am well aware that in our world he cannot afford to seem like I am his weak point even though I am damned near well aware that I am. The voice is cold and indifferent but at the same time it holds a kind of authority that I know has other people in the room almost bowing to it. That is my father, the man who gave me life. What I do not seem to grasp however is the fact that I am dead and yet I can hear everything.

It is a different type of scene for me as I am aware that I am not floating on the ceiling looking down at all the people down there and my dead body. I am also pretty sure that I have no had my three minutes' slideshow of my life as it should be right before I pass on, or so the many tabloids I have read on the same say. I feel exhausted from trying to figure things out but I am also very curious to know what has happened to me. I let myself stop struggling and try to calm my mind down enough to stop racing. I know above all things that letting my mind race is not going to get me a solution to the problem at hand, instead it is going to draw me closer to my end. I have learnt it, fully learnt it this evening with the situation I am in. My carelessness has put me in this situation. The fact that I made a decision without being level headed is what has placed me in this position.

"Now if you excuse me, you can take the other body, I need to have a few moments with my fallen soldier to pay my respects." His voice is still hard and cold but underneath the mask I can feel just a tinge of emotion or so I imagine. I listen for a while as there is a bit of commotion in the room before it goes silent. I hear the scraping of metal to the floor and the huffing of a seat, I presume, from his weight. If I had the strength to, I would have smiled about it, as I remember how much we tease him about putting on too much weight in order to build muscle. I wait patiently, only having trust in my ears and brain as they seem to be the only bits of me that are functioning. It is funny that I can even sense the slight shift in his breathing. At this moment I understand what people mean when they say that the moment you lose some of your senses, the rest become heightened. It was the first lesson my father ever taught me, saying that I would need it if I ever found myself in any situation that compromised some of my senses.

"Najua hujafa lakini ilibidi nizuie moyo wak usipige kwa kifaa kilichopo mfukoni mwako pamoja na vitu kadhaa ambavyo utahitaji. Adui amekujua na ameapa kuipata damu yako. Mpaka ulemavu ukiisha tutakuwa tumekuzika, lakini nimekufundisha vyema, sivyo? Kenya yakungoja. Natumai nitakuona siku zijazo. Nakupenda binti mpendwa. (I know you are not dead but I had to stop your heart from beating with a device that is in your pocket together with something else. The enemy knows you and is out for your blood. By the time the paralysis wears off we will have buried you. But I have taught you well, haven't I? Kenya awaits you. I hope I will see you in the future. I love you darling daughter.)" My father's voice speaking fluent Swahili is the only thing I need to be sure that I am not in this alone. He is helping me. He knows I am not ready for the world that I have stupidly thrown myself into. I know that it is going to be a difficult run because even though he has basic connections to Kenya, it is not clear how far the help will run but I know I cannot afford to mess it up.

At that moment is when it clicks in my mind that I am not dead, just paralyzed with something in my pocket to aid in seeming dead. This is great. This is freaking great. I want to cuss at him for putting me in this position. He shouldn't have sent me in the first place. He knows that I will just mess things up as I usually end up doing and this time I did far much worse. What stands out most is the fact that he is still trying to cover for me. Trying to take care of the loopholes I have put in his plan. Yes, the man he wanted dead is dead but I did so with a public bang which looked like two romantic lovers who were making out but in our world it wasn't and I'm sure the other people in his circle know that hence the amount of public demand surrounding me. I feel utterly tired and the confirmation that I am not dead is enough for me to let my brain shut down just for a while to rest and gain enough energy to accomplish the next to impossible task ahead of me.

"Earth to princess." Laur's voice rang clear through the air. I knew I was zoning out and letting myself get carried away by emotions again and I knew why. She was the reason. Since I had laid my eyes on her that morning somehow she had just made my mind her resting ground bringing with her all the baggage of my past life. A life I had tried to bury deep down so that no one would see it. She just had found a way of illuminating my most hidden secrets. I pulled the trigger but this time just a click happened and then I understood how Laur had known I was out of it. Damn it Shazlyne. I cussed lowly before changing the magazine and starting the shots all over again.