Chapter 3 Her voice

"Are you gay or straight or both?" Someone pipped out in a loud voice. I had heard the question but I needed some time to process it bearing in mind at some point I had considered identifying differently. The person I loved last had broken my heart into innumerable pieces. I needed time to recover so that I could answer that with a poker face. I looked up and my eyes found her again instantly. It was almost as if she was a magnet that was pulling me towards her and I had to do everything to resist it. I smiled at how eager to know she seemed.

For a straight girl she sure wanted to have information on me. That thought eased me back to my normal mood and I cleared my throat preparing myself for my usual speech whenever someone asked me that, especially my students.

"Funny y'all asked that. Did you know that every woman is about twenty percent gay?" I sprang that up just so I could hear how much they disapproved it. It was a thing that I was already used to. Normally no one believed that a woman was inclined to like other woman without any explanation. It was funny how much people were oblivious, like I was when I met her. Having grown up in my family, I had not gotten time to actually get in touch with my sexuality until I met her. Between getting a PhD and being trained to one day be a leader, there was barely enough time for anything.

"Men generally when asked they don't even complement each other, or see a fellow man as handsome or something. You can confirm that with some of your class mates here and they'll tell you for sure that I am no liar." I gave a pause as I saw some of the gents in my class nod while looking at their friends and colleagues. I knew had driven at least half of my point home.

"Women on the other hand are able to see someone who is prettier than them and actually feel a bit jealous of them whenever or sometimes want a share of it if its good." I joked. "So between me and my lover is a couple of women and maybe men, so you never know, since I'm 20% gay." I knew it was vague but I did not want a repeat of last time. I was already trending on thin ice at this point. If I broke now, then all that I was hiding would be out in the light in no time. I had made all the efforts I could to stay under the radar for as long as possible. I needed an okay from my father to actually make that move and at this point attracting attention without it would mean one thing. Exposure.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to let you go on to your next class." I picked up my tablet and went ahead to pack my belongings and leave the room. I could feel curiosity radiate in the room but it was not time yet. Maybe when they joined my class in their very last semester in their final year then I'd share with them. They'd be mature enough to understand it then. In the moment however, I felt like they were going to run out and head to the dean and report it.

I sank into my seat in the office and closed my eyes with a huff. Damn it. They didn't deserve to open up such deep seated wounds in my heart. I knew they didn't really mean it but somehow that felt like an afterthought instead of being what it really was. I pinched the bridge of my nose willing for whatever dull ache was coursing through my chest to ease. Damn it. I had never expected to love the way I did. I never wanted to hurt the way it hurt. It had been a while now and there was no moving on for me. Somehow the scabs kept revealing how much the wound had not healed. It felt like I was living in the same loop that I had been in.

I got up and removed my suit jacket placing it in the coat rack that had been placed in my office. I then loosened my tie and placed it together with the coat. Undoing the two top buttons of my shirt I sat at my desk hoping to get myself busy to forget. Laur chose that exact moment to walk into my office. I knew it was him even before I looked up. He was the only person that never knocked. He had a knack for just pop in even when least expected. I would have said I hated it but Laur was the only person that helped me keep it together. I however threw him a dirty look that made him chuckle since he understood why.

"You forget I have surveillance in your office just to ensure I won't catch you at the wrong time." He spoke innocently taking the seat in front of me as if he had been invited. The way he sounded made it feel like it was normal to have cameras in someone's private office but I did not bring it up. I knew he had more reasons than one bearing in mind of what had happened that one time. He had decided he was never going to chance again. He was my best friend and the only person who came with me from the US to help me survive and report to my father of course on anything that happened in my life. It was a bit wild that my father knew everything about me and bothered not to call me or even text me. I knew we was in risky business but really? There was no telling me that a father did not miss his only daughter.

"I need somewhere to get rid of all this pent up energy." I spoke leaning back and giving him all my attention. He had spent his first year in Kenya exploring and getting to know things and places just in case bad came to worse. I on the other hand had been looking for work. It would have brought up a bit of attention if we both were not working and we had billions in our account. He knew where I could go and relax and rejuvenate if there was need. He had also found a way of training me that was within legal bounds. I looked expectantly towards him and waited for the question I could already see swirling in his mind.

"Who brought it up?" There it was. I knew that he would definitely know what was going on. He was good with reading my emotions and many times he knew what was wrong without me having to tell him. I smiled at him but I was sure it came out as a grimace. He laughed a bit before taking his phone out and making the needed arrangements. He knew I was going to tell him everything since he was my confidant but he also knew that I needed time to get used to the idea first. He was there that time. He knew I was still struggling and he was always going to support me even through it. I could feel some fragments of that day start to sip through my mind even though I was trying my best not to let it in.

A loud gunshot, a scream, lots of blood, a dismembered body. I placed my head in my hands and squeezed a bit as if trying to contain the memory. It was almost sipping through my body. I knew if that happened there would be no going back. This would be the end of my peaceful life. All the effort that Laur had made to ensure everything stayed clean would be a waste and I would have lost all my father worked for. I felt as though I could get angry with him as well. Why would he train me how to subdue every other emotion other than love. It was the reason I was in this situation to begin with. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I knew Laur was there.

"How you feel about target shooting?" He asked and somehow that finally got me slightly out of my haze. I got up and undid the third button of my shirt. I needed to have the wind against my chest. It felt too hot for my liking. We walked out together and I waited slightly for the door to lock before I started walking. I could feel the excitement build up the more I thought about the fact that I was going to be holding a gun again.

"Professor?" a soft familiar voice caressed my eardrums causing the hair on the back of my neck stand again and I stopped in my tracks.