Chapter 5 Carson's grief

CARSON'S POV

If I wasn't angry before, I was fuming mad right now. Cadel just has a way of fucking with my mind. Ever since we were children, I have been very jealous of him, as he seemed like the best one out of us three. Cameron did not seem to bother about it since he was the most reasonable among us.

I know that I can be too much to handle most times because of my arrogance, but I can't help it. Especially towards Cadel. I want to do everything I can to spite him. To make his perfect façade drop. I wanted to see him vulnerable. Maybe I'd get over my obsession of trying to beat him at everything.

It started when we were still young, I had walked in on my parents talking about him and praising him in front of other alphas. I have never forgotten the smile and look of pride they had on their faces. I was the first child out of the trip, and I thought then that I deserved more praises than him. I know its childish, but I still have not gotten over it yet.

I've been told that I was an arrogant asshole and I knew it myself, but I can't help it most of the time. Only if I had someone that could understand me.

About Anna, I know. What I said to Cadel was wrong, but it was also a way of me trying to get out of my feelings for her. The moment I had set my eyes on her, my wolf had immediately wanted to lay claim on her. I, personally was attracted to her and wanted her for myself. But I think the moon goddess had a way of fucking with me.

Why did Cadel have to see her first? Why did he have to lay a claim on her first? Is this her way of telling me that I would always be the inferior and second to him? Knowing how much I envy and want to be like him.

That was what made me actually say what I said. To rile him up. I didn't exactly mean that I wanted her to myself because I was the first. I said it out of arrogance and to make him mad.

I was breathing heavily as I stormed outside the pack house angrily, Cameron hot on my heels.

"Brother, why are you like this?" he asked, patting my back with his hand.

"I'm fine." I grumbled out gruffly, running my hand through my hair, which was already sticking out in many places after my brawl with Cadel.

"I know something is wrong with you. You have not been this mad at Cadel in a long time, you both have not gotten physical too. But why are you fighting with him because of the female?" he asked.

Sometimes, I feel like Cameron understands me. He was the level headed one out of the three of us. I know he rejected Anna because he does not want any problems, and I know that there is more to it because I feel his emotions too. Though we block it each other from knowing what we are thinking, we still feel our emotions.

After some minutes of silence, he asked,"Do you like the female?"

The question was so sudden that I was caught off guard and I did not know what to reply with.

"The woman has an aura to her that she herself is not aware about." He said looking into the space. I glanced at him with my side eye. He continued, "She is different. She has a hold on three of us." He whispered that last part to himself but I heard it.

He liked her too. Damn!

This is fucked up on a whole different level.

What kind of game was the moon goddess playing with the three of us?

"This was one of the reasons I told you to reject her. She comes with chaos and confusion. See what has happened within the time frame she came? Try to stay away from her bro." he said persuasively.

I knew what he was trying to do. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. The bond between us was too strong. I literally go batshit crazy whenever I felt her emotions, because most of the time she was scared.

"No." I said simply.

"Brother, can't you see? This whole situation is not supposed to happen. Don't you find it strange that she is mated to the three of us? How is that even possible in the first place. Since she arrived, you and Cadel have been at each other's throats. I for one don't want to be her mate. Why are you both too blind to see what I am seeing?" he shouted.

"I don't want to see what you are seeing. I don't bloody care!" I shouted back.

"I want her and I'll have her." I sounded like an obsessed bastard right now, but I didn't care.

Moon goddess created this mess, I might as well help her in elaborating it.

I stalked away from him and walked into the mansion that was meant to be for the three of us, away from the pack house. The doorman bowed in respect but I didn't acknowledge his greeting.

Everyone cleared off when they saw that I was the one coming. This was kind of a norm for me, but today was different. The anger I was feeling was oozing out and I'm sure they felt it.

I climbed up the stairs that led to my office. I stopped for a while when I got to the door of Caden's office. It was slightly ajar. He was alone in the office. I knew he could feel me, but he didn't raise his head from the documents he was working on. I wanted to enter the room but I held myself.

I walked away from the door but not before hearing him muttering bastard under his breathe.

I agreed. I was one big bastard. I had always been an asshole towards everyone in general. Especially Cadel. Before our parents passed, they noticed the strife between us both and sat us down to talk about it.

I had a lot to say that day, but not a single word came out of my mouth. I knew I was the horrible one, but I had my reasons.

Cadel had always been the good one. Cameron and I bullied him a little bit when we were young, but Cameron grew out of it when we became teens, and both of them got closer.

I envied them for that. I withdrew from everyone completely since that time, but I made sure to do my duties and to show up when I am needed.

I did wrong things that I never apologized for. I won't blame Anna if she does not want me.

I mean, who wants a fucked up, egoistical male as their mate?

I poured bourbon into a glass and sat on my chair. Downing it in one swig, poured another one and did same.

I then rested my head on my chair.

I won't deny, somewhere within me, I had hoped to find a mate. Someone who would love me for who I was.

Someone who would accept me and not look at me or judge me the way others do.

I knew I was the reason Cadel refused to stay in this house. He preferred to spend most of his free time at the hospital rather than at home to avoid me.

But I thought it would change now that he has a mate. Our mate.

I sighed, not still able to get familiar with the concept.

The alcohol was not doing what I wanted it to.

I had downed like six glasses of the drink and I still felt as bad as I was before this.

Getting up, I walked out of the office.

I suddenly smelled a strong scent of Anna coming from one of the rooms. Following the smell, I stopped at the door where it was the strongest.

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. But I couldn't stop myself.

Pushing the door open gently, I took some steps in.

And there she was, sleeping peacefully in the king-sized bed. She looked so small in the middle of the bed. My legs made their way towards the bed gently and dipped beside her.

She looked so pretty and innocent. She had no idea of what she did to me. I pushed the hair on her face away and cupped it. She mumbled some incoherent words and pressed deeper into my palm more getting comfortable.

I shouldn't do this.

I shouldn't be here.

I shouldn't do this to myself.

I shouldn't do this to her.

Doing this would only make the bond between us stronger. It will only make things harder later.

I gently retreated when she pulled it back, getting comfortable.

This was bad. Really bad.

Few minutes later when she fell into a deeper sleep, I walked out of the room. My wolf whined, not wanting to leave our mate.

Remember why you are doing this. Why you are staying away from her. So that you won't hurt her. This was all to hurt him. This was all a lie. To spite Cadel.

I chanted continuously in my head. My wolf was not agreeing to this. In fact, he hated it when Cadel and I fought. But I was the one with the stronger will.

I walked to the training grounds of the pack house and there were few men still training. This was what I knew how to do to relieve stress.

"Sage, let's spar." I called out, as I got into position.