Chapter 5 5

Gwen Andrews.

I hate the feeling of the wind against my face. Some might say it's the best thing in the world, but for me, it's not the same. My hair gets messed up, I squint my eyes, and it's hard to fix everything the wind undid. The past few weeks of class have been exhausting. I go to university in the mornings, work as a waitress at a bar at night, and study as much as I can in the afternoons. Time is usually scarce, and I feel like I can't let anyone into my life because they'll disrupt the flow with which I do things, or rather, with which my life flows.

Every day that goes by, I realize how lonely I am, how much I wish I could go out and have fun and smile at life, or the things I'm missing out on. My grandmother is the only person who lives with me. She doesn't talk to me, doesn't listen to me, she just scolds me or makes rude comments that have ceased to matter to me over time.

I slump into the bus seat and see a young guy enter. I watch him for a bit because he looks familiar, and I realize he's the biology teacher. Why the hell did I have to run into him here? He's the youngest professor at the university, and Jeremias is one year older than him, but they're both still young. He's an attractive man, in casual clothes he looks like he goes to the gym or at least did during a stage of his life.

I see him approach me, and I bite my lower lip nervously.

"Gwen?"

"Professor."

"That doesn't sound like a cordial greeting," he jokes a bit and sits next to me. When he does, a strawberry scent permeates my nostrils, and I smile. He smells really good. "You can call me Conrad outside of the university."

"You're still my professor," I try to excuse myself. "There must be a law that says students can't talk to employees of the institution they attend."

"There is," he laughs. "But no one is watching us, and I'm just saying hello."

"Right, you're right," I whisper.

His presence makes me uncomfortable; it makes me feel like I have to do everything strictly right. Even though he's a relaxed teacher and doesn't demand that you do things, I can't help but see him as someone I must respect. He's not much older than me, has beautiful eyes, and his hands are large, which is something that usually catches my attention in guys. Most people at the university believe that because I work in a bar, I've slept with many men. I don't bother denying it. Anyway, no one will believe what I say.

"The other day, I gave an exam to students in a lower course than yours, and they asked if they could cheat. I swear I was surprised by what they were saying. I thought about it and thought about it again until I nodded. I would have liked to have been given that opportunity when I wasn't studying for an exam."

"If they do it, they'll stop studying and think it's okay to cheat because you're a figure superior to us, not an equal."

"I'm almost the same age as you guys."

"And is that your excuse for doing your job poorly?" I retort.

Conrad looks at me with a raised eyebrow but doesn't say anything. I suppose he realized that I'm right. My parents taught me to respect people, to know when to speak and when to shut up, but sometimes I forget completely. Sometimes certain things irritated me so much that I wanted to scream at the person that their attitude is bullshit. Just like the guy next to me. He can't excuse himself behind his age or pretend that everything he does is okay because he's our teacher.

If only all young people could have the job he has now, many people would be happy. It's a quality job, not something he can afford to lose.

"I thought you were just..."

"What was I just?"

The bus stops, and he stands up to leave. As he gathers his things, I blurt out, "Answer me." He shakes his head.

"Did you think I was just the girl with shitty behavior? Or that I was only good for smoking?"

My comment seemed to upset him. He looked at me for a while until he finally got off the bus. My cheeks are burning right now, and I can't wait to get to Harper's house to tell her what just happened.

Harper is my best friend in the whole universe, we've known each other for a few years. Despite my tendency to push people away, she's the only one I allow to stay close. She takes care of me and I escape to her house when things go wrong at mine. Opening up to people has never been easy for me. I struggle to say anything more than normal, and gradually I fade away. I don't want to die, nor do I want to pretend that I want to. But I need to escape my current reality with substances that provide a pleasant sensation.

I get off the bus and walk a few blocks to Harper's house. Her family won't be home today, only her brother, a sixteen-year-old boy who is in love with me and with chicken croquettes. When I knock on the door, the first one out is Hans. He smiles and hugs me tightly.

"Harper's in her room, she's been complaining all this time because she thought you weren't coming. She's silly, always complaining about everything."

"I'm sure you'll be the same as her when you're her age."

"Do you think so?"

"It's a possibility."

Hans shrugs and runs off when he hears his phone ringing.

Her house is medium-sized, and the living room is located next to the kitchen. The color palette they chose is based on pastel colors, I like the combination they chose, it looks pretty good. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live with Harper's parents. I would like to leave my house, stop seeing my grandmother, and be able to say that I am free, but I'm far from that. My reality is not what everyone sees from the outside. Most people think I'm the bad girl at the university, the one who does drugs without caring about anything. And yes, maybe it's true. Sometimes I'm so confused and I want to let everything out and scream that I prefer to inject something than to give in to those emotions. But even if I did, my grandmother wouldn't let me recover so easily.

I enter Harper's room and see her on a video call with her boyfriend. They're arguing, so I close the door and stand to the side to give them privacy. In the meantime, I respond to messages from the class group, reading some that don't involve me. I'm surprised when Johan adds Conrad to the chat. Why did they add the professor? I hope one of the guys complains or says something, but they all joke with the professor and talk to him as if they've been friends for years. The girls are also interested in him.

Ten minutes pass and they're still arguing. I haven't been listening to their conversation, my mind was on Conrad and the guys. I hear my friend crying and make a face. She doesn't deserve anyone to hurt her. She's been through so much, her heart is fragile. She always cries with TV shows, movies, or with street kittens. She's an amazing girl and although not everyone can see it, I do.

Harper's relationship was unstable, they argued about anything and everything, and she was always the one who gave in and apologized. Sometimes she apologized for things that weren't her fault. She was in a toxic relationship, and I told her a million times that she needed to get out of there, but she never listened. Trevor wasn't the love of her life, he wasn't the guy who was going to propose to her on a perfectly planned trip, nor was he the guy who was going to dedicate songs to her or always be there for her.