Chapter 4 Lilah

I didn't want to be here but Logan felt the need to explain and I wasn't going to get away with him not doing and I knew that, so I sat, letting him say what he needed to.

I know my Logan............though it looks like he's not my Logan anymore, not with a mate outside................but I still knew him all the same, and he seemed to be struggling as much as me with this situation.

Though surely the fact he'd found his mate should help with that! I just wanted the ground to swallow me up whole........

I'd loved this guy for years............told him all my secrets.........grown with him.............shared my first kiss with him.............messed around with him............oh....................thank the goddess!!..........thank the goddess we never went further assuming we were mates!

A small feeling of relief washed over me, waiting until we had our wolves before we took our relationship to the next level was clearly the right thing to have done.

While sleeping with someone who isn't your mate isn't uncommon, it was most definitely frowned upon by many. I had always imagined my first time with my mate..........with Logan.........but they were always one of the same to me in my mind, how wrong could I be?! I sobbed again. How wrong were we all?

"I'm sorry Lilah, I thought it would be you, I truly did, we all did. I couldn't wait to see you this morning, I was hanging around waiting for you to come see me, Dad did what he does best and dragged me to the pack house with him so I was chilling out in the lounge" he begun to explain

"Ani was here with her Dad, as he'd come to start work, soon as she walked in my wolf was screaming at me Lilah, I thought you must have come in.................I was looking all over for you.............." he looked distraught as he explained the scene, his breathing becoming faster as he described the scene to me.

"Lilah, my eyes were darting all over the room, waiting to see you, to grab you and shout mate, and to see your smile when I could finally do that............but I couldn't see you! I was panicking so bad baby!" his breathing was getting harder as he explained, his panic from the situation evident in his voice.

"The only girl in the room was Ani, she was clueless as to what I was feeling, she came up to me smiling, and gave me a hug as she said happy birthday and my body was zapping with weird sparks, you know the ones they tell you about, my wolf was screaming mate at me, but my heart was breaking too Lilah, it was breaking that it wasn't you" I was sat staring at him, tears now dripping down both our faces at what he had described.

How can fate be so cruel?

"Loge, it's fine, just stop, I don't want to know the details" I sighed, doubting I could cope hearing more.

My whole future had literally disintegrated in front of me, my future mate wasn't my mate...............How could the whole pack have been so wrong?! Could our connection be purely through friendship alone and not be a link through being fated mates like we had thought? How had we read this all so wrong? I'm going to have to get used to seeing him with another............we need to stop this!

" Lilah, you know how much I love you" Logan reached for my face, in a way I knew only to well meant he wanted to kiss me, a way he knew I loved so much.

"STOP!!" I shouted, moving away slightly "we aren't doing this, you have a mate now. We can't be together now you know that. You were kissing Ani just a minute ago Loge!"

"Baby, I'm sorry" Logan sobbed, dropping his hand from my face, to suddenly raise it again to run it through the curls of his chestnut brown hair in exasperation "Del, I can't help this! I love you, I have forever, you know that, I can't just switch that off. But I want Ani now too, my wolf wants Ani, the mate bond is pulling me to her, screaming for her – it draws you in, in a way I can't explain, you won't know that yet, but it's hard baby, I..........'

"Stop calling me baby" I interrupted, trying to sound stronger than I was actually feeling

"I'm not your baby anymore Logey, I love you too. And I know this isn't your fault, fate didn't go how we thought it would, but we can't do this no more............ you have to focus on your mate now, the pack relies on you, you know that, and your Mum and Dad are going to expect things of you and her as future Alpha and Luna" just saying that was breaking my heart into pieces but I needed to, I had to.....

Fuck this hurts so bad and no I don't know how the mate bond feels, I don't even want to think of a mate out there, my heart is Logan's................... it always has been.............I was still his.......

I don't know how I'm going to do this, it's going to take some time to take all this in. I silently sobbed again as my brain processed my thoughts and the events of what had just happened, I hate this, I hate how fate can fuck you over.............

Logan was by my side again, holding me in his arms, pressed up against his chest. I could feel the familiar beat of his heart................I could feel him sobbing too, deep down I knew this wasn't his fault no but he has a mate to make it easier my brain bit back at me, I'm all alone............my head was such a blur......

Logan lifted my chin with his hand and I felt his lips reach mine, the kiss I'd been looking forward to since last night now tinged with sadness and bitterness, desperation there as he kissed me with passion and love but also tinged with sadness and despair as tears ran down our faces.

We shouldn't be doing this....my brain tried to rationalise...he has a mate....but this is my Logan....

I felt his tongue part my lips to push it's way into my mouth, as we kissed, my tongue twisting with his in that familiar way, as he begun nibbling at my lower lip, I could taste the saltiness of our mingling tears......

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! A banging at the door made us jump back into reality.

"LOGAN!" I heard Alpha Grayson's voice penetrating though the wood of the old office door.

Logan looked guiltily at me "D, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have....." I didn't need to hear more, knowing he'd regretted his actions, I grabbed my bag, adjusted my clothes, wiped the tears from my face and walked out of the office.

Briefly acknowledging the Alpha as I went "hey Uncle".