Chapter 4 4

NORMAN'S POV

Throughout today, the golden eyed boy is what I think about. It was strange, but I can't help myself but wonder what's so interesting about him that I can't stop thinking about him.

And the universe was not in my favor today, because he was in almost every one of my classes, staring at me, watching me. It should be creepy, but I can't help but wonder what's so interesting about me that he can't stop staring at me.

During recess, I grab my textbook, sketchbook, and a novel I usually read at the abandoned area of the school as I shut my locker. I don't have money for lunch so I won't be eating one today. I'm hungry, my ankle hurts, and I'm exhausted.

I should probably drop by the school clinic to get my ankle checked, but I don't want to. They ask too many questions sometimes, and it's just exhausting.

With my textbook, novel, and sketchbook in my hand, I begin my limping to the abandoned side of school. Not a lot of people come here, in fact, ever since I discovered the place, I haven't seen a lot of students, except some delinquent seniors who got caught smoking, they got expelled last semester.

I skim through my textbook, enjoying my own solitude as I try to get the amber eyed boy from my brain.

Enjoying my own solitude didn't last for long. Someone sits themselves next to me and without looking I already know it's him. Phoenix. AKA. the mysterious new boy.

I raise my head from my textbook I'm reading and glance at Phoenix who's pulling something out of his jacket pocket. He turns to look at me, with his expressionless face and then he looks away. I watch him pull out a packet of cigarettes and pull out one and slips it in between his red, plump lips. He pulls out a lighter and lights the end, taking a long drag from the cancer stick as he exhales the smoke through his nose.

Nixon smokes a lot, so I'm already used to the bad smell. I don't have to feel like I'm being suffocated in my own space. I slowly look away, bringing my gaze back to my book as I flip the page of the romance book I'm reading to the next page to continue reading.

It's quiet between Phoenix and I, and I appreciate his quietness. I don't know how I will respond if he starts a conversation with me. My anxiety is slowly building up and I feel like I'm gonna panic if he tries to talk to me. I've never been good with people. I don't even know how to start a conversation or even have one with people, especially strangers. Sitting this close to Phoenix is even challenging to me. I am tempted to just get up and leave him to the privacy he obviously craves but I don't know where I'm going to go in school that's as quiet as this place.

I discovered this place during freshman year when I wanted to be alone and move far away from the noise and that's when I stumbled upon this place. It's quiet, lifeless and it feels as if it's a different part of school entirely. I love it here, I get to be myself and alone.

Skimming through the conversation of the romance novel I'm reading, I barely can pay any attention because of Phoenix and I's proximity. We're not close, there's a lot of space between us on the concrete floor that we sit on, but yet it feels as if we're close.

Through the corner of my eyes, I see him dust the cigarette's butt on the carpet grass and then he brings the stick back to his mouth, with his elbows on his knees as he inhales the cigarette and exhales it through his nose and mouth at the same time.

" You know you can look right." He says beside me.

At first it feels as if I'm just hearing things, not really sure he just talked to me. I stop my skimming, pretending I'm focused and indulge in the book I'm reading.

" I'm sure you heard me, Howard Einstein." There's a teasing tone to his voice as he says again.

I bite the side of my lip as I reply to his words without really thinking.

" Albert Einstein. It's Albert, not Howard." I say, biting my bottom lip again, cursing myself for correcting him.

" I'm sorry, I shouldn't..." I trail off, sneaking a glance at him, only to see that he's already staring at me, with a small smile on his lips.

He chuckles a little and I hate to admit he really looks handsome when he laughs. I blush and look away, avoiding eye contact with this new boy.

" I know it's Albert. I just had to think of any means to get you to talk. You seem like a really quiet guy." He says and I don't answer, staring at the little grass ahead and the run-down fence of our school.

" I'm Phoenix." He introduces himself, blowing more smoke into the air.

For a minute I'm taken aback by his introduction. It's unlike people to talk to me or even make an introduction. Nobody knows me in school, and the new boy being aware of my existence just makes me feel strange.

What does he want from me?

Looking away from my book, I see Phoenix's outstretched hand in front of me and I stare at it in disbelief, wondering why he's sitting next to me? He's the new boy and thanks to his parents, he's extremely attractive. I notice the attention he got from both guys and girls during recess and school hours.

Why's he here? Sitting next to me smoking when he should be out there, talking with more interesting people than myself. People who are not as awkward as me.

" Always a deep thinker, huh, Norman?" He says my name and I'm taken by surprise.

I raise my head to look at him, avoiding eye contact, but he's not really looking at me. He's tossed his already finished cigarette and he's lighting a new one.

" Stop panicking, Charlie Puth, I saw your name on your note when you got up to leave after math class." He gives me a brief stare and I look away.

" I hope I'm not bothering you?" He asks, gesturing to my romance book when I don't say anything after he confirms my suspicion.

" And I hope you don't mind?" He asks afterwards, pointing at his newly lit cigarette.

I sigh and lick my bottom lip as I avoid Phoenix's piercing gaze and his fascinating golden orbs burning holes into my skin.

" What do you want?" I ask in a whisper.

I agree he's good looking and maybe fascinating and mysterious at the same time, and maybe I spent the past hour talking to myself about him and wondering why I find him interesting since I barely know him, but I don't think I'm ready for this conversation with him. Melissa is the only person I talk with during school, and sometimes after school and I'm fine with that. I don't even imagine him sitting next to me and trying to have a chat. This is too much for me and at the same time overwhelming.

" Mm." He mutters, refusing to answer me as he just smoked his cancer stick.

" What are you reading?" He asks instead, after the long uncomfortable silence between the two of us.

With my gaze fixed on the romance book in front of me, I try to keep my anxiety in check. Having to talk to someone is not easy for me and I'm trying my best not to be overwhelmed by this new boy. I wish he could just stop talking.

" Can you please stop talking?" I ask out of the blue, surprised at my own audacity and realizing maybe I shouldn't have said that.

" I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just... I..." I stutter and trail off, sighing as I can't even meet his eyes.

Phoenix chuckles quietly, clouding my vision with his smoke.

" Damn, you're sweet." He says, chuckling underneath his breath.

" If you're wondering why I'm out here seated next to you, I love the quiet sometimes, and I wanted to get away from the girls. It's always tiring. Plus, I needed to smoke a joint without breaking a bunch of school rules on the first day." He explains himself, satisfying my curiosity on why he was out here in the first place.

Taking my quietness as a cue that I don't have anything to say to him, Phoenix just stays quiet and smokes his cancer stick in complete silence. I appreciate it, but I'm wondering what's going through his head which I shouldn't have in the first place. Throwing his second stick on the grass upfront, Phoenix stands to his feet, towering over me.

" It was nice talking to you, Norm." Phoenix says as he scurries away, leaving me to my solitude.

I glance around, behind me, and the lack of Phoenix's presence, wondering why on Earth he just nicknamed me. And I hate that I liked how my name effortlessly rolled off his tongue.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Probably, it's my anxiety. The bell rings, signaling the end of recess as I stand up. I put my stuff inside my backpack and leave. I've got two more classes and I'm good to go. Thinking about going home to no Nixon, but my father scares me. I don't want to go home. I can't, afraid I'm going to meet him in one of his moods. He's rarely sober, except when he has to be at work. He's just recently started this construction job and for a few hours before nightfall, the job keeps him away. But when night comes, there are rare occasions he ever comes home sober. And even when he's sober, he always finds one reason or the other to lay his hands on me, screaming I'm the reason he's like this.

Every night I wonder what I did to cause this. Like where did I go wrong? Is it even my fault I was born?

Last week I scored a job at the local library not too far from my house, just so I can get away from home and avoid my father. Today is supposed to be my day off. Even when I asked Penny, the owner of the library, that I didn't want days off, she just smiled and told me I was young and in highschool and I needed some time to study. Which is right, but I can't go home. Not that home. Not when Nixon is not around, but in jail in New Jersey.

The library closes by 7pm but I always wandered about till it's 9pm before I go back home. Oftentimes, I sit at the park a few blocks from our house just so my father is asleep before I sneak back in and go to bed on an empty stomach.

Speaking of empty stomachs, my stomach growls, reminding me I haven't had anything since yesterday afternoon. I think I'm on the brink of being underweight if I continue like this.

After long boring hours of lectures, the day comes to an end and I quickly gather my things and begin my walk to the library where I work. My ankle is a little sore, and the pressure I usually put on it just so people won't notice my limping makes it worse. Outside the school gate, I see Phoenix with a younger girl with red hair. Probably his sister even if they don't look alike. He opens his car door for her and she enters. I'm not surprised he owns a car, what I'm surprised about is his rough exterior. His family is rich and yet he rocks that bad boy lifestyle more than any guys his age that I've seen.

I put my head down and walk past, ignoring him and pretending as if he's not staring at me. When I reach the library where I work, it's already 20 minutes past 4pm. I enter and Penny is surprised to see me.

" Norman. What are you doing here?"

" Work." I shrug, dropping my bag.

" Oh, you poor thing. Are you okay? Have you ever eaten today?"

" I'm fine. I just... I don't want to go home now." I tell her.

Penny is in her mid forties and she's really nice. She's got a son who's in college and he's pretty older than me. I think he's twenty one. I've seen him once or twice in his mother's library before I even got a job here. He's not that bad too, he just doesn't smile, if he does, he probably doesn't like me to smile at me.

" Are you hungry?" Penny asks again.

" I'm fine." I lie, but my stomach has other missions. It growls loudly, disgracing me and Penny just laughs.

" Stop lying to me, Norman. It's okay to talk to people if you need anything. You know I'll always be here to help." She smiles at me.

I don't say anything as I watch her walk to the backroom. A few minutes pass, and she comes back with sandwiches and hands it to me. I look at it in her hand and take it. I find it strange when people show me care and love. It's a strange feeling because I can't remember when anyone genuinely cared for me, aside from my brother, Nixon.

" Thanks, Penny."

" You're welcome, honey. I don't want you to work today, okay? You can stay here and rest till you're ready to go home."

" Thank you, but please let me do something."

Penny gives me a big smile. " Always so stubborn, aren't you? If you insist, there's a new batch of books at the back, you can help me stack them."

" Okay." I answer.

" Can I please use the telephone?"

" Sure. Go on ahead, honey." Penny waves me away.

I give her a smile of gratitude and head to the back with my backpack and sandwich. I drop my backpack on the floor, and grab the telephone. I need to hear from Nixon today to be sure he's okay. I tried calling him last week, but the officers at New Jersey told me Nixon wasn't allowed to receive any calls for now.

As I place the phone against my ear, I hope and pray they let me talk to Nixon today. I just wanna be sure he's alright and safe. He's the only family I have left that truly cares about me. The phone rings and someone picks it up, definitely not Nixon.

" Um...hello." I say to the other person on the phone.

" Please, my brother's locked up there. I need to speak with him." I plead, without waiting for the other person to introduce themselves.

" Name, please."

I tell this man on the phone my name, my brother's name, and other things he needed and then he tells me to hang on a minute that they will get Nixon on the phone.

" Norman." The familiar voice of my brother calls my name and I'm washed with relief.

" Nixon?" My eyes water and I'm already about to cry. I can't believe he's okay.

I've spent this past week worrying about him.

" Hey, please stop crying. I'm fine, I'm okay, and I don't need you to worry about me."

" Are you getting out soon?"

" Yeah, hopefully. They refused bail, piece of shits."

" Dad said you hit a cop." I said.

" That asshole."

" What were you doing in New Jersey anyway?" I ask.

" It's a long story, baby brother. I promise when I get back I'll tell you everything. I'm sorry I'm not there for you right now. Did he touch you?"

I bite my thumb, while fighting the tears that are already falling down from my eyes.

" Yeah. This morning too."

" I'm gonna kill him."

" He's still our dad." I try to reason. "Forget about him. I just want you here. It's been hard, and I..." I sniffle, wiping my tears with the sleeves of my sweater.

" Hey, it's okay. I'll be home soon, I promise. For now, I just want you to be okay, alright?"

I nod. " Yeah."

" Good boy. How's school? Anything fun going on? Have you finally had the balls to talk to Melissa?" Nixon changes the topic.

" What?" I chuckle.

" Come on, you know she likes you."

" She doesn't. We're just friends and I'm not into her." I cringe when I imagine me and Melissa in a romantic relationship.

It's never gonna happen. I don't even see her like that and I never will.

" She likes you."

" She doesn't. Please stop." I whine. Nixon laughs on the phone.

It's been a long time since I last heard that noise. It sounds so foreign.

" Nixon..." I call his name, thinking if I should talk to him about Phoenix.

" Hey, dipshit, your time's up." A man yells in the background and I know I won't be hearing his voice again anytime soon.

" I'll see you soon, baby brother." And then the line beeps.

I sigh and slam the telephone down. He said he will see me soon, but when? I want to scream at the world and everything in it for everything that's happened to me, but in the end, I don't.

It's not gonna change anything. I'll always be the little scared boy who's been scarred for life.

God, I hate my life.