Chapter 5 I yearn for her

ROYAL POV

"Get out!" She yelled at me, shoving me toward the door of her apartment.

What was her name again?

Jenny?

Jane?

I can't remember.

I pulled my hood over my head and she shoved me to the door again.

"Damn it! I'm leaving!" I growled and swung the door open angrily.

"You ba.stard!" She yelled, wiping tears from her eyes.

"I thought you liked me. Who the hell is Tamara?"

I just stared at her blankly and turned to walk away.

I didn't feel like explaining and I didn't have to.

"As.shole!" She screamed and I quickly ducked my head.

I didn't want any of her neighbors to come out and recognize me.

"You call out someone else's name in bed and you won't even tell me who she is?" She stomped her feet but let out a loud groan of exasperation before slamming her door shut.

She knew I wasn't going to answer her.

I knew I had messed up, accidentally saying the wrong name, but it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't Jennifer's either.

I was ruined.

For the past month and a half, I've been stuck on this girl I knew for one night.

Even though I haven't told them, I think the guys know.

Just when I thought I was letting go, I realize she's still the one on my mind.

I went out tonight just looking for a rebound.

I know that sounds cruel, but I needed to just try and forget about her.

She is not coming back to new York for a while, maybe ever, and even if she did come back, there was a very slim chance that we would even see each other again.

As I walked down the busy streets of new York, I thought about her again.

I remembered everything.

The sound of her laugh still rang in my head.

I could still remember her voice so vividly that I was pretty sure I'd be able to pick it out of a crowd.

I could recall every detail of her face like I was looking at her right now.

I could even remember the the tingly feeling her lips had left on mine after every kiss.

Damn!

how can I be so stuck on a girl I barely knew?

She had really left an impression on both my head and my heart.

I wouldn't say I'm in love with her...

No!

I didn't get to know her well enough for that, but there was no denying that she had made me feel so incredible in just the short time I did know her.

No one has had such an impact on me before or since.

I walked into the dorm and was greeted with a very tired and very worried looking grey.

He jumped up off the couch when he heard the door opening and ran over quickly as I stepped inside.

" Royal, Where were you? You promised the next time you went out you would tell us!" He whined and I just kind of pushed by him.

"Sorry." I said halfheartedly.

"Royal, did something happen? You look upset." He followed behind me like a puppy.

"I'm fine." My tone didn't change at all and I was sure that he saw tight through it, but I didn't care.

I just wanted to go to my room and lay down, but I didn't think it would be that easy since Grey was still following close behind me.

"Where were you?" He questioned and tried to push in front of me.

He may have been taller, but I really wasn't in the mood.

"Out." I said with an exasperated sigh.

"Out where?"

"New York."

He was obviously not amused by my answer.

I saw him frown as he stood in front of my door, effectively blocking it.

"Move." I said simply.

He just shook his head and crossed his arms.

"Not until you tell me what's going on. You haven't been yourself lately, Royal." He sounded angry, hurt and worried all wrapped into one.

I shook my head.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine." I lied, but didn't look him directly in the eyes.

"Now move or I am going back out again. Would you rather not know where I am or know that I'm safe in my bed?"

"Not happening, Royal." We were interrupted by Tony.

"We need to talk. All of us."

I looked back at the end of the hallway and noticed the rest of the guys were standing with him.

"What is this? Some kind of interview?" I asked with a frown as I looked at all of their worried faces.

"Yes. Of sorts." Edwin chimed in.

"Royal..."

My eyes flickered back to Edwin, who had spoke.

"if your depression is getting worse, we need to know so we can help you. Don't just try to curb it with alcohol and women."

How did he know?

"I don't..."

"Oh, please, dude! We can tell you smell like a bar from here." Grey said with a grimace, though his eyes still showed worry and care.

"And the smudged lipstick is a new look for you." Tony said sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest.

Shit.

I quickly reached up and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

Sure enough, when I looked down there were smudges of ruby red.

The usual ball of sunshine he was nowhere to be seen.

He must actually be worried about me.

They all are.

I looked down at the floor and heaved a sigh, feeling guilty for worrying them.

"We are all here for you, you know that, right?" Edwin asked and I only nodded slowly.

"Yeah, Royal. We have been through just about everything together. We are all your brothers. You can come to any of us about anything." Grey added and I felt my shoulders start to tremble slightly.

It was easy for them to say

."come talk" or "I'm here if you need me", and it was easy for me to agree, but did they realize how difficult it actually was for me to try to convey these feelings to someone other than myself?

It made me feel weak and vulnerable, and I despised feeling that way in front of someone else.

I hadn't even noticed that they had moved closer until I felt hands on my shoulders.

I looked up to see grey in my right and tony on my left.

"Let's go and sit down to talk, hmm?" Edwin suggested, acting like a mom again.

I didn't even have time to nod or say anything before they started leading me to the living room to sit.

The two of us sat on the couch and the other two sat on the floor in front of us in a semicircle.

"What do you want to know?" I asked, my voice coming out quieter than I meant it to.

I just wanted this to be over.

The sooner I told them what they wanted to hear, the sooner I could get to bed.

"Everything." Tony answered, but I didn't even know where to begin.

"When exactly did you start feeling worse?" Grey asked and I actually had to stop and think for a moment.

"I don't actually know... But two...no, three months or so ago I just... I woke up, looked myself in the mirror and felt like I didn't know me... I was a complete stranger to myself." I leaned with my arms on my thighs and clasped my hands, just staring at my own hands so I wouldn't have to face any of them.

"It was that long?" An almost weak sounding voice came from edwin.

He probably felt guilty for not noticing, but unfortunately, most of the time, until it gets bad, really bad, others won't know unless that person wants them to.

"Things.. Seemed to get even worse after you came home that day from spending the night with that foreign girl... Ah, what was her name?" Tony said, trying hard to remember.

"Tamara." I answered for him.

"Her name is Tamara." I looked over at him.

"Right... Did anything happen after you spent the night with her that made things worse?" He asked and I just shrugged.

"I think... I think it is because I was with her." I mumbled and they all stayed silent, waiting for me to explain.

I looked back down at my hands.

"That time we were together felt so... Genuine. I felt like myself again. It was just us. Nobody else in the world existed for a single night." I was quiet for a moment and they waited patiently.

"When I got back, and I remembered that she was leaving for Italy and I probably wouldn't see her again, I realized I had only caught a glimpse of who I used to be, it just kind of hit me ten times harder."

"You knew her for one night..." Edwin muttered under his breath but I heard him anyway.

"I know that." I snapped, a little meaner than I meant to.

"That is why it doesn't make any sense to me. I am not saying I am in love with her or anything. She just... It just felt natural being around her. Like I didn't have to worry about what any body thought." I groaned and ran a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry.." Edwin and I muttered to each other at the same time.

"So, you slept with a fan because she made you feel special?" Tony asked bluntly, but not to be mean, but to understand.

"No." I shook my head and glanced at him before returning my eyes to my clasped hands in front of me.

"She doesn't know who we are. Or at least she didn't when I met her. Who knows now." I sighed.

"She didn't even know I was an idol until about halfway through the night. Some ROYALs were walking down the hallway talking about us and I kind of freaked out, asked her to stay silent so they wouldn't notice me. When we got inside and I tried to explain, she wouldn't let me. She just wanted us to enjoy the night like we already had been."

"You realize that she could have stopped you from explaining what she already knew, right?" Tony asked and I shook my head again.

"I really don't think so. When she first approached me, she actually freaked out a little bit when I asked if she recognized me. She thought we had a class together or something and she forgot about me. She was a nerd and doesn't know much of anything about pop culture." I explained.

"And you really believe that?" Tony asked me and I nodded.

"Yes. If she did it for attention or to run my name through the mud, don't you think that we would have heard even a rumor or two about it?"

Everyone fell silent when they realized that if it had been a substantial rumor, we would have actually heard about it by now.

"So, why did you go out tonight?" Grey asked and looked up at me from the floor.

"Was it... Because of tamara" He asked hesitantly.

"Kind of..." I admitted, a bit awkwardly.

"I was trying to see if I will find that feeling with someone else. Anyone else."

"How did that go?" Edwin questioned me again.

"Not exactly great..." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly.

"She kicked me out."

"What? Did you use the wrong name or something?" Grey joked to try and lighten the mood.

The redness on my face was all the answer everyone needed to know that was a reality and not a joke.

I received a chorus of "Oh"s in response to Grey joke.

"Damn it..." I grumbled and stood up.

"Are you guys satisfied? Can I please go to bed now? I really don't feel like embarrassing my self any more tonight." I said, already walking away.

No one stopped me, so I took that as an approval.