Chapter 4 Mother Was Ill and a Hole in the Door

The year 2017 was the start of many absurd things. Let's see ... Oh yes! Trump became the 45th president of the United States. What could trump the absurdity of that? Well, although not at all of the same scales, what Dungi did could also be considered as one of the many absurd things that happened in 2017.

While my Brother and his wife Gal lived in a place of their own, Dungi and I and our respective spouses and children were living under the same roof as my mother. The master of the house was my mother. Through the monthly income that my Brother gave her, she paid for the house rent, the maids, the daily running of the house, including 3-time-a-day meals, electricity and whatnot. Since I had my first child, Bo, I had to quit working and therefore I relied on my husband Jude's income who at that time worked for a TV network company. It wasn't much but enough to make some contribution. As for Dungi, he considered that his salary was inadequate to contribute a substantial monthly amount, so Mom and my Brother let him and his family enjoy a subsidized living. There were more that my Mom and Brother had done to let him and his family have a comfortable life, but for now, this background would be sufficient to understand how absurd things were about to get soon.

Sometime in May 2017, my family, my Brother and Gal took a trip to Bandung. At the last minute before we left, my mother finally decided to come along. At that time, she already suffered from a torn meniscus so her knees couldn't fully support the weight of her body anymore. She needed a wheelchair. So to help her during the trip, she brought along her maid, leaving one maid behind to care for Dungi and his family. We left early in the morning when everybody who stayed home was still asleep. She forgot to update Dungi that she had decided to come along at the last minute. In the late morning, still on the road, she called him to let him know.

That was when he went berserk.

Over the phone, he shouted at my Mom. He was so displeased that my mother left without asking for his agreement. Without him knowing in advance even. Taking along a maid without consulting his wife Pilos. He accused my mother of not respecting him, of not caring about his feelings, of taking him for granted, and, this one was funny, of treating him like a security guard of the family. Finally, he accused my Mom of sucking up to my Brother because he financed our lives. While my mother could still take the former accusations and treated them as her son being ridiculous and emotional, the latter truly crossed her line. She shouted back and called him an ingrate son.

An ingrate son.

When we went back home two days later, separating from my Brother and Gal who went back to their place, Dungi was already waiting. His mother calling him an ingrate son didn't deter him from his anger. He repeated the accusations, but this time to the face of his mother, with profanities. Pointing at her face. Shouting at her face. And this time even Pilos joined in. And when my mother started crying while kept on repeating with weaker and weaker voice what an ingrate son Dungi was, Dungi lost it. He punched the wooden door of my Mom's bedroom, making a hole, then stormed out.

From that day onwards, my mother asked Dungi for a meaningful monthly contribution, and to share the cost of the house rent. I guess by then Dungi and Pilos realized how much they had been subsidized all along and decided that if they must pay, then they'd rather move out and rent a house of their own. So that was what they did. They moved out and rented a house of their own. The money? Well, as I found out later, Dungi borrowed some from my Brother.

All of these? Absurd.

My mother went on a no-speaking term with Dungi. She was truly hurt, insulted. Her mind-induced sickness started to take place. Later on we knew it was the mild beginning of her Paralytic Ileus. My Brother reckoned that if it was left alone, it would get worse, and the cost of medication or hospitalization would soon exceed the cost of a good vacation. So before it was too late, he decided to take all of us, who remained a family, on a vacation. He took us to Hong Kong.

He wanted so much to relieve my mother from her dangerous and toxic emotions, he even made jokes about what Dungi did to make the pain lighter. It all helped, but nowhere as healing as he wanted it to be. The vacation made her forget her pain, but she was never able to rationalize it. The positive impact of the vacation diminished rather quickly. She was back living with the emotional pain, and over time, compounded with other problems, the Paralytic Ileus transformed or replaced by pancreatic cancer that eventually ended her life.

The other problem was her relationship with me. While struggling with the extreme emotional disturbance that Dungi caused, she was longing to have me, her daughter, always be by her side. I was not there. I was so deep in my own trouble zone, a serious marital problem. Drowned in it, I was aloof towards her. Then, in 2020, COVID started impacting my Brother's business and money problems started creeping in. These all added to my mother's troubled mind.

Her Paralytic Ileus, or what we thought it was, got worse within a week after the new year of 2021. She was having continual pain in her abdomen. Three months later, in March, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at a very late stage. The doctor gave her months to live. We scrambled to make whatever amends we must with her, especially me, who my mother thought didn't love her anymore. But those remaining months that I spent with her were filled with the most beautiful mother-daughter moments, for both her and me.

As for Dungi, he had been long forgiven by my mother at the urge of my Brother. He was forgiven without ever asking for full forgiveness. But that was enough for my mother to not harbor any more toxic feelings. She never forgave him fully either. As my Brother said, sincerity was gone from Dungi. So partial forgiveness would do as long as it relieved my mother from mind-induced illnesses.

So she forgave Dungi. All for practical reasons.