Chapter 6 Secret Conversations

I did not allow myself the sweet indulgence of an extended stay in Raff's arms. I remained barely long enough for my tears to stop before forcing myself to leave him. We both knew that anything else was too great a risk, for now at least, even within the safety of my mother's garden. And so I'd left him for my bedchamber, clutching at the carved ring hidden beneath my dress as l pined for the kiss I'd promised him two whole springs ago.

I passed a serving girl on my way but no one else, which I was grateful for, for I had no idea what unruly state my appearance must be in. Once safe in my room with the door locked behind me, I took a deep breath and faced the truth of my mirror.

My reflection revealed brown eyes framed by a slight red hue, though to my relief, the delicate skin beneath was far from puffy, and my hair only slightly dishevelled. I tidied the long strands as best I could with brush and fresh ribbons, and even went as far as adding a few small flowers from a vase someone had placed by my bedside. The sweet smelling gift wasn't something Raff would do, that would risk too much scrutiny if the wrong person saw, and the only other who would consider such a thing was, much to my dismay, was my Aunt.

Could it truly be that the horrid woman who'd ridden and reprimanded me almost mercilessly her entire stay so far, be the one to show me this kindness? This note of sympathy for what she saw as my future plight? I shook my head in wonder, convinced it could be from no other.

I turned back to the polished glass and straitened the bodice of my clean dress; one of sky blue since I knew Raff loved the colour, then headed down to supper. I was almost there when my brother's voice, escaping my father's private study stopped me. I hesitated, wondering if I should stop and listen or press forward like a woman ought, feigning ignorance. It was the other voice, harsh and low that made up my mind for me.

I placed my hand on the wall, running my fingers along the cool stone as I crept as close as I dared to the door.

"This is insane," Fynn said, his voice brimming with frustration.

"What choice do I have?"

"When father said what he was training you for, I understood the wisdom in it. For you and me. But this... you're no use to me dead!"

"If I don't do it, I may as well be," Raff answered, his voice laced with the pain that particular thought brought him.

"So this is about Caitlyn."

My heart leapt to my throat. Fynn knew? He knew and hadn't told father or sent his childhood friend away? But why? It was so unlike him to keep something of this magnitude, of this importance to himself.

"I'd hoped our time away from here would have cleared your head of her. You know Father will never allow it."

"He will if I bring him back the information he wants."

My brother let out a despairing sigh. "And what do you expect me to tell her when this Lord sends your carcass back to us, still strapped to your horse like he's done to every other he's caught?"

"She's worth the risk."

A chair scraped across the floor and I jumped, deciding it was best to make a hasty exit before I was caught. But the door opened before I had a chance to move more than a step away.

"Caitlyn? What are you doing out here?"

"I..." Fynn would know if I lied to him. He'd always known, even as a child.

Raff stood from his chair and walked over to us, though he kept a small distance between himself and my blood brother's shoulder.

"You shouldn't be listening in on other people's conversations. Doors are kept shut for a reason."

"I heard voices that weren't Father's," I said, unable to keep the indignation of being spoken to like a child from my voice.

"That doesn't give you permission to eavesdrop."

I shot a look at Raff, but his face showed nothing but a grim mask, one designed to keep me out.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

My brother nodded, dismissing both me and my apology. "Don't let me catch you doing it again. Tell Father Raff and I will join you shortly. Off you go."

I bit my lip, wishing Raff's expression would change before I left them. It didn't. So I took a deep, trembling breath, turned my back to them and walked on in the flickering light of the hallway, resisting the urge to touch the secret treasure nestled between the safety of my breasts.

I should have found it comforting that after all this time, after all my worrying, Fynn had known my secret and kept it to himself, and that Raff did indeed have a plan, a plan he was convinced would work in securing our future together. But what if Fynn was right? What if he ended up dead? Whatever this training Father had seen him have, surely it wasn't enough to save him from the fate so many other older and more experienced men had fallen to?

And why had he looked at me like that? Walling me out, pushing me away? There was no point in masking the love in his eyes if Fynn already knew. It must have been something else, something said between them before I'd got there.

I breathed out a frustrated sigh and let my hand fall to my side. There was naught I could do about any of it except wait and hope that the light of my heart would be okay.

In the end, there was no need to tell Father that the boys would be late for supper, for he himself was missing, along with my Uncle and Lord Patrick. My Aunt was there, but she was unusually quiet, even when I pushed my dinner aside half eaten.

"Where is everyone?" I ventured, the number of vacant seats surrounding us unnerving me enough to risk a lecture on being nosey.

"Lord Patrick has received grave news and the men have locked themselves away in discussion."

"Is it... Is it that new Lord again?" I asked, unable to help myself.

"I believe so, not that it's any of our business."

"I don't understand how such men can exist. How they can turn to such... Such wretched things as violence and murder for the sake of their own greed."

"The world is made of all manner of people."

I nodded, my stomach twisting at the thought of what this new Lord must have done to have my father and his two guests absent, unable to postpone their talks until after joining the rest of the household for supper.

My Aunt reached over and patted my hand. It seemed the only sign of affection she knew how to impart.

"I know you've thought me overly harsh since my arrival, but I only meant to prepare you as best I could since your mother, the stars shine upon her, is not here to do it herself." She let out what sounded like a tired sigh, and pushed her own food away, barely three quarters finished.

"You'll be pleased to know at least, that we're leaving earlier than expected. Tomorrow morning in fact."

"That soon?"

"I would stay longer if I could, but I must attend my husband's wishes. You should know by now that we creatures of the fairer sex have little choice in such matters once their mind is made."

The way she spoke, the way she kept reminding me of a woman's place seemed some kind of warning, or maybe it was just her way of reminding me not to leave my head in the clouds and instead, keep my feet firmly planted within the world of reality, whether my heart willed it or not.

"Yes Aunt Caroline. I... I appreciate your efforts in teaching me. I know I have improved greatly under your supervision."

It wasn't a lie, and I did mean the words for true since I had improved, if only in my needlework. Everything else, my riding skills, my knowledge on etiquette and how to run a household had already been more than up to scratch, despite her pre-formed opinions of my capabilities.

Father may have been my only parent since birth, and a little less firm handed than she thought appropriate for one of my gender, but he'd made sure that I'd been taught just as well as his sons.

"Well my dear, I shall see you on the morrow. I wouldn't wait up for your father judging by the gravity of the situation, but it might be wise to have him sent some food."

"I will Aunty. Rest well."

She nodded and left, leaving me alone at the table and staring down at my plate of half eaten food.