Chapter 4 Going Back

It was as though time speeded up after that. I remember hazily saying my goodbyes to the kind nuns who had taken me in when I was broken and forlorn. I knelt before the Mother Superior and traditionally she gently laid her hands on my head and asked, after a short silence,

"Is this what you want, child?"

I smiled through my tear-filled eyes and bowing my head to avoid showing her my distress, I nodded, whispering, "He is the father of my children, Mother."

Her all-seeing eyes glimmered but she remained silent after blessing me and I rose and left the room, my steps heavy, heart filled with foreboding.

Almost in the blink of an eye, we were on our way. The beautiful little monastery that had been my refuge for over a year seemed to grow smaller in size as the vehicle drew away swiftly in the gathering gloom. I had my hands full with the twins who were restless but luckily, they fell asleep as we sped to the airport.

Twisting slightly in the seat, I turned to look at the tiny building that had been my refuge, my happy place for a year and more. Would I ever be able to return, I asked myself, biting my lip to stifle the sob that threatened to burst.

The twilight seemed to swallow the tiny building perched on the hillside as we rounded the corner and headed onto the highway. I met Gaston's cold eyes as he sat a little away from me in the spacious SUV. Blinking away my tears, I turned to look out at the beautiful landscape we were passing as the large vehicle ate up the miles.

In a few hours, we were on a chartered plane, winging our way to the west.

The luxurious interiors of the plane barely registered with me; while Ria looked around herself, goggle-eyed, Piers studied his father gravely and then, putting out his tiny hand, gave Gaston a wide toothless smile. Cuddling him close to me, I bend my head, hiding my face as I patted little Ria's hand where it rested on my arm. As always, fiercely independent, she had insisted on sitting on a separate seat, albeit beside me.

I didn't dare look at Gaston although he sat across us, his long legs stretched before him, nursing a drink. I could feel his eyes on us, brooding. He had shown no interest whatsoever in the babies and that hurt me more than I could fathom.

The young attendant came over and offered me a drink but before I could refuse, Gaston drawled, '

She doesn't drink. She's a bloody saint".

The startled girl bustled away as I flushed in embarrassment. He still remembered that I was a teetotaller.

Having stayed in the monastery all the while, the unfamiliar surroundings and faces, the humming of the aircraft, everything was bothering my twins. Soon Ria began to whimper restlessly; she was fretful and hungry.

I looked around. I didn't want to feed the twins with Gaston watching, I just didn't.

"What does it want?" he demanded.

"SHE is hungry." I snapped.

"So feed her," he replied silkily, the hooded eyes never leaving my face.

"I won't, not in front of you," I said stubbornly, glaring at him.

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them; talk of holding a red flag to a bull.

He gulped down his whiskey and stood up, moving to sit beside me in one fluid movement. I moved back in alarm. "Do it" he ordered, thickly. And then, moving closer, his voice revealing a hunger that made me tremble, he commanded softly "I want to watch."

A sudden stirring in my womanhood, like the embers of a latent fire being re-kindled at the sound of his harsh order.

Ria shifted in my arms, screwing up her face to demand her hunger be appeased and Gaston leaned into me.

"Feed them. 'He repeated and I could see a strange expression on his face. Preparing to join his sister in crying, Piers began stirring, and I realized that I could not put it off.

Pushing my long, untidy braid off my shoulder, I dipped my head to hide my flushed cheeks. Opening my jacket, I unbuttoned my shirt, hotly aware of Gaston's quickened breathing as he stared at my unbound, heavy breasts. I brought my daughter's seeking mouth to my nipple and then shifted Piers so that he could suck from the other teat. Wincing slightly as the small sharp gums tugged at my nipples I settled into a comfortable position and turned my face away, shutting my eyes, willing myself to ignore Gaston.

Not so easy, though. He lowered his head to my neck, nuzzling me, his teeth nipping greedily at the sensitive spot on my throat till I moaned softly in response, throwing my head back, sinking lower into the seat to allow him more access to my nape. The blood was pounding through my veins as I whispered his name softly, unable to help myself. His drink-fuelled breath surrounded me as he murmured, urgently,

"I want you. Now.'

His free hand slipped between my legs and I instinctively arched towards him. Confused by the responses of my body, I turned, breathless with need and met his quizzical gaze.

"You want it too, don't you?" he rasped.

Before I could answer, he leaned forward and kissed me hard and then again, this time gently, slowly. He had never kissed me with such tenderness ever before. When he raised his head, I opened my eyes in wonder. The expression on my face seemed to annoy him and he abruptly got up, lurching slightly as he threw the words over his shoulder.

"I won't disturb you.

He moved towards the back of the aircraft and I was left, staring after him in bewilderment, and somehow, humiliated by his change of mood from arduous lover to cool 'the man in charge. Aware of the wetness pooling between my thighs after so very long...