Chapter 4 KNOW YOUR PLACE

**LUNA'S POINT OF VIEW**

I had not slept.

Not really. I had layed on my side of the bed in the dark and listened to the house settle around me, staring at the wall, at the patch of ceiling above the wardrobe, at nothing. My mind would not stop. It kept circling back to the same moments, the papers in Ethan's hand, Sara on my sofa, Rose's fingers cold and steady around mine, and underneath all of it, like a low sound you cannot unhear once you notice it, the question I could not answer.

What do I do now.

I got up before six. Washed my face. Stood in the bathroom mirror for longer than I should have, studying the person looking back at me like she was someone I was trying to remember.

Then I went downstairs.

The kitchen was quiet when I started breakfast. That was the only part of any morning I still had to myself, those early minutes before the house woke up, before everything became about managing the atmosphere and watching my words and reading faces for signs of what kind of day it was going to be. I moved through the kitchen the way I had every morning for two years, eggs, toast, the fruit bowl on the counter, the good plates because Emily had commented once that I used the wrong ones and I had not made that mistake again.

I heard them before I saw them.

Emily's voice first, already carrying. Then Eva's lighter one, already laughing at something. They came into the dining area together the way they always did, like an advance party, and they did not look at me when they sat down. Emily pulled out her chair and arranged herself and picked up the folded napkin on the table and snapped it open across her lap and looked at the spread I had put out the way you look at room service that is slightly below what you expected.

"The orange juice isn't fresh," she said. It was not a question.

"I can squeeze more," I said.

"You should have done that before." She picked up her fork and set it back down. "And the eggs are overdone."

I looked at the eggs. They were not overdone. I had watched them the whole time.

I said nothing.

Eva leaned over and looked at the plate her mother was pointing at and made a small sound of agreement, the kind that meant she was not actually looking at the eggs but wanted to be on record as agreeing with Emily about them.

I sat down across from them and reached for the bread and that was when I heard the footsteps on the stairs.

Everyone heard them. There was something about the pace of them, unhurried and certain, that made Eva sit up slightly. Made Emily's expression change into the particular one she reserved for occasions she wanted to present well.

Sara walked into the dining area like she had been walking into rooms like this her entire life. Head level, shoulders back, wearing a pale blue dress that I had never seen before that probably cost more than anything hanging in my wardrobe. She looked rested. She looked settled. She looked like someone who had decided she belonged here and was no longer interested in debating the point.

Ethan was right behind her.

He pulled out a chair for her.

Not the chair beside his where I usually sat. The one at his right. The better position. He held the back of it and waited, and Sara sat down the way people sit when they are used to chairs being pulled out for them, naturally, without thanking him for it.

I watched him do it.

He did not look at me once.

I sat very still. The bread I had reached for was still in my hand. I set it down on my plate because I was not hungry anymore, because something in my stomach had gone tight and cold, but I kept my face arranged and I kept my back straight and I told myself to breathe normally.

Emily picked up her teacup and looked at me over the rim.

"Luna," she said, with the tone she used when she was not asking, "Sara takes her eggs soft. Fix her plate."

I looked at her.

Then I looked at Sara, who was unfolding her napkin and not looking at me at all, the same way she had not looked at me in the living room yesterday, like I was a fixture in the background that did not require direct acknowledgment.

"The kitchen is right there," I said, and my voice came out steadier than I expected. "She can fix her own plate."

The table went quiet.

Emily set her teacup down. The sound of it against the saucer was very deliberate.

"I beg your pardon."

"I am Ethan's wife," I said. I heard how it sounded when I said it out loud and I did not take it back. "I am not the help. If Sara wants her eggs a different way, she can ask in the kitchen."

"Luna." Ethan's voice.

I turned to him.

He was looking at me now. Finally looking at me, and I wished he wasn't, because there was nothing in his expression that felt like the person who had once told me I was the only thing in his life that was entirely his. What was there instead was irritation. The mild, tired kind. The kind you have for something that keeps getting in the way.

"Stop making this difficult," he said.

"I am not making anything difficult. I made breakfast. It is on the table. I am not Sara's servant."

"Luna." His voice dropped slightly. Not softer. Quieter, the way you go quiet when you are losing patience with something and do not want to raise your voice in company. "Know your place."

Those three words.

Know your place.

I had heard variations of them my whole life. From my father's expression when I asked about my mother and he changed the subject. From the way Patricia moved through our house like the question of whose home it was had already been settled. From every small moment in two years of this marriage where I had been made to understand, without anyone saying it directly, that I was here on approval and the approval was conditional.

Know your place.

I wanted to tip the table over. I wanted to say every single thing I had bitten back for two years and watch their faces while I said it. I wanted to ask Ethan, right there, in front of his mother and his sister and the woman he had pulled a chair out for, when exactly he had decided I did not deserve basic dignity.

I did not do any of those things.

I stood up. "I am his wife. That is my place."

Emily moved so fast I did not see it coming.

The teacup left her hand and the hot tea hit my arm and the side of my dress before I could step back. It was not scalding but it was hot enough, and the shock of it made me gasp, a short, involuntary sound that I could not pull back. The liquid soaked through the fabric immediately and I felt it against my skin, hot and spreading.

The room did not move.

Ethan did not stand up.

Emily set the empty cup back on the table and looked at me without any particular expression, the way you look at something you have already decided is beneath you.

"Clean yourself up," she said. "And then come back and fix the plate."

Eva made a small sound. Not distress. Amusement, barely kept in check.

Sara finally looked at me. Her eyes moved from the wet patch on my dress to my face and she held my gaze for exactly two seconds and then she looked away, back to her napkin, back to her breakfast, back to the version of this table where I was not a person at it but a problem adjacent to it.

I looked at Ethan one last time.

He was cutting into his toast.

He was cutting into his toast and the hot tea was soaking through my dress and his mother had just thrown it at me and he was sitting eighteen inches away doing nothing, and his face had the same careful neutral expression he used in meetings when something was happening that he did not want to be associated with but was not going to stop either.

I turned and walked out of the dining area.

I kept my pace even until I hit the stairs. Then I went up faster, one hand on the railing, the wet fabric of my dress cold against my arm now, the heat already fading, leaving behind only the sting and the smell of tea and the sound of my own breathing which was coming too fast.

I got to the bedroom. I pushed the door and it hit the frame harder than I meant it to, a loud crack of wood against wood, and then I was on the other side of it and I slid down with my back against it until I was on the floor with my knees pulled up and my hands pressed over my mouth.

The sound that came out of me was not a cry exactly. It was something that had been waiting longer than one morning to come out.

Hot tea on my arm. Ethan cutting his toast.

Know your place.

I pressed my forehead to my knees and sat on the floor of my own bedroom and let myself feel all of it, every bit of it, the full weight of where I was and what I had walked into two years ago and what I was still walking in now.

And underneath all of it, underneath the hurt and the humiliation and the wet fabric and the sound of Eva's quiet laugh still ringing in my ears, something else was there.

Small. Unsteady. But there.

It was getting tired of waiting.