Chapter 4 The breaking point

Alexander could not know. Not yet. Not until I figured out what to do. Not until I had a plan.

A baby changed everything. This child-this tiny cluster of cells currently dividing inside me-needed protection. Needed safety.

Needed a mother who was strong enough to give it what I hadn't been able to give myself.

I wrapped the test in paper towels and buried it deep in the trash can. Washed my hands. Looked at myself in the mirror.

I looked the same. But everything was different now.

I drove home in a daze, my mind spinning through impossible scenarios. How long could I hide this? What would happen when he found out? Could I leave before then?

The penthouse loomed above me, glass and steel and wealth. I took the elevator up, each floor a countdown to confrontation.

Alexander was waiting in the living room when I walked in. Arms crossed. Face unreadable.

"You're late."

"Traffic on I-5. There was an accident-"

"Show me your receipt."

My heart stopped. "What?"

"From the doctor. Show me the receipt so I know you were really there."

Of course. Of course he'd demand proof.

I retrieved it from my purse with hands that only shook slightly. Handed it over.

He studied it like a detective examining evidence. His eyes caught on something.

"Blood work? What blood work?"

"Routine. Annual checkup always includes blood panels. They check cholesterol, blood sugar, that sort of thing."

He stared at me. I held his gaze, willing myself not to look away, not to show fear.

"Hmm." He handed back the receipt.

"Go shower. You smell like outside."

Outside. Like I'd been somewhere he didn't control. Somewhere he couldn't monitor.

"Okay," I said quietly.

I escaped to the bathroom, turned the shower as hot as it would go. Stood under the spray and let myself cry, silently, carefully, my hand pressed against my stomach where a tiny secret was growing.

A secret that could either save me or destroy me completely.

Three weeks. I'd been carrying this secret for three weeks, and it was eating me alive.

Seven weeks pregnant now, according to Dr. Mitchell's calculations. Still not showing, still able to hide it under loose clothing. But the morning sickness had started, vicious and unrelenting.

I woke at dawn to nausea rolling through me like a wave. Managed to slip out of bed without waking Alexander, made it to the bathroom just in time.

I vomited until there was nothing left, then dry-heaved over the toilet, my whole body shaking.

A knock on the door. Sharp. Impatient.

"Elena? Are you sick?"

I flushed quickly and wiped my mouth with shaking hands. "Just something I ate."

"We ate the same thing. I'm fine."

Of course he was. Of course he'd point that out.

I rinsed my mouth, splashed cold water on my face. Opened the door to find him standing there in his pyjama pants, arms crossed, eyes narrowed.

"You've been sick three times this week."

Had he been counting? Of course he had. Alexander counted everything.

"It's stress," I said, pushing past him.

"Stress from what?" His voice followed me down the hallway. "You don't work. You barely leave the apartment. What do you have to be stressed about?"

You, I wanted to scream. You're the stress. You're the reason I can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe. You're the poison in my system.

Instead: "I don't know. Maybe I'm catching something."

He stepped back, his face transforming from suspicious to disgusted. "Great. Now you'll get me sick."

He grabbed his suit jacket from the bedroom, and his briefcase from his study. Left for work without kissing me goodbye, without another word.

I sank onto the bathroom floor the moment I heard the elevator doors close. Pressed my forehead against the cool tile. My hand went to my stomach-still flat, still hiding its secret.

I can't do this for nine months.

The thought was a scream inside my head. I couldn't hide a pregnancy from a man who monitored my every breath. He'd notice the weight gain, the body changes, and the doctor's appointments.

And when he found out-

I couldn't let myself think about what would happen when he found out.

I needed help. I needed my mother.

I told Alexander I had a dentist appointment. The lie came easily now, smoothly, perfected by months of practice.

"Which dentist?" he'd asked over breakfast.

"Dr. Harper. On Pine Street."

"What time?"

"Ten AM."

"How long?"

"Probably an hour. Maybe two if they find cavities."

He'd made a note on his phone. Of course he had.

I drove to Ballard instead, to Rosa's modest house with its cheerful garden and wind chimes on the porch. Home. Real home.

Mama opened the door and immediately knew something was wrong. Mothers always know.

"Mija, what is it?"

I made it to her kitchen table before breaking down. "Mama, I'm pregnant."

Her face transformed-joy first, lighting up her features. Then, almost immediately, concern crashed over the joy like a wave.

"Does he know?"

"No. And I can't tell him."

We sat at the kitchen table where I'd done homework as a child, where she'd taught me to make tamales, where everything had once been simple and safe.

"Mija, a baby... this changes everything."

"I know. That's why I can't tell him. He'll use it to control me more. He'll accuse me of trying to trap him. Or worse-"

My voice broke. "He'll say it's not his. He'll demand a paternity test. He'll use my pregnancy as proof of all his accusations."

Rosa's face hardened in that way only mothers' faces can-protective and fierce and utterly certain. "Then you need to leave him."

"It's not that simple-"

"It is. You leave. Today. Now. We pack a bag, we call a lawyer-"

My phone rang.

Alexander.

My blood turned to ice. It was only eleven AM. He shouldn't be calling.

"Hi," I answered, trying to keep my voice steady.

"Where are you?"

"Dentist. I told you this morning."

"You told me the dentist on Pine Street. I just called them. You're not there."

The world tilted. He'd called? He'd actually called the dentist to verify?

"I... they moved locations. New office-"

"Stop lying to me." His voice was cold, precise, and cutting. "I can see exactly where you are."

My hands started shaking. The GPS. The tracking app he'd installed on my phone months ago "for safety". I'd forgotten. How had I forgotten?

"Are you at your mother's?" Each word was carefully enunciated, dangerous.

I couldn't speak.

"Elena. Answer me."

"Yes," I whispered.

"I'm coming to get you."

"Alexander, I can see my own mother-"

"Now, Elena. Or I'm calling the police and telling them you stole my car."

He hung up.

I stared at my phone, numb.

"Don't go," Rosa said fiercely. "Don't let him bully you. We'll call the police ourselves-"

"And say what?" I stood, already gathering my purse. "That my husband is coming to pick me up? That's not a crime, Mama."

"Elena, please-"

"If I don't go, he'll make a scene. He'll come here. He'll embarrass you, say terrible things, make your neighbours stare." I kissed her cheek, inhaling her familiar scent-lavender and coffee and home. "I'll call you."

"When?"

I didn't have an answer.

Twenty minutes later, Alexander's Range Rover pulled up outside. Black, sleek, expensive. A predator idling at the kerb.

He didn't get out. Didn't even look at me. Just sat there, waiting.

I climbed into the passenger seat silently. The door closed with a heavy, final sound.

We pulled away from my mother's house in silence. I watched it disappear in the side mirror-the garden, the wind chimes,

safety-getting smaller and smaller until it vanished completely.

"Your mother is poisoning you against me," Alexander said finally, his voice calm. Too calm.

"She's not-"

"Every time you see her, you come back different. Distant. Secretive."

"I'm not secretive."

"Really?" He laughed, bitter and sharp. "You lied about where you were going. What else are you lying about, Elena?"

I stared out the window at Seattle passing by. Grey sky, grey water, grey buildings. Everything grey.

"I want to see a marriage counsellor," I said suddenly. The words came from somewhere deep inside me, some part that still had fight left.

His laugh was uglier this time. "So you can gang up on me with some therapist? Tell them your lies? Make me look like the bad guy?"

"If they're lies, then therapy will prove that."

"We don't need therapy. You need to stop sneaking around. You need to stop running to your mother every time you're upset. You need to stop acting like a victim when I'm the one dealing with a wife who can't be trusted."

I said nothing. There was nothing left to say.

Back at the penthouse, he went to his study without another word. I heard the door close, and the lock click.

I stood in our bedroom, hand on my stomach, and thought about the baby growing inside me. This tiny person who didn't ask to be born into this nightmare.

What kind of mother was I? What kind of mother brought a child into this?

That night, I couldn't sleep. Exhaustion pulled at me, but sleep wouldn't come.

Beside me, Alexander finally drifted off around midnight, his breathing evening out into the deep rhythm of unconsciousness.

At three AM, the nausea hit again. Worse this time, urgent and undeniable.

I slipped out of bed as quietly as I could, made it to the bathroom, and closed the door softly.

Vomited again. Morning sickness-though it was the middle of the night. The term was a lie. It was all-day sickness, all-night sickness, constant sickness.

I sat on the bathroom floor afterward, forehead against my knees, hand on my barely-there belly.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to the baby.

"I'm so sorry you're coming into this."

Movement in the bedroom. Footsteps.

Panic flooded through me. I flushed quickly, washed my hands, and tried to look normal.

The door opened before I could.

Alexander stood there, suspicious and alert despite the late hour. He never missed anything.

"What were you doing?"