Chapter 1 Persona

"Welcome to the Golden Orchid Resort in Bali", a young man stood in front of me as I tried to hide my tears through my sunglasses. I gave them a smile, trying not to be rude. I check the name tag "James" and he places the wreath around my neck.

As he escorts me to the front desk, I look around the resort and am reminded of the types of people that are supposed to be here. Happy, outgoing and excited about life.

Was this a bad idea?

I'm wearing a shirt with dog fur and wine stains, packing for comfort not style. Whatever, I have the right to be here just like everyone else.

"Here's your room key, if you need anything just let us know", the receptionist answered. "Thank you," I replied. Giving another attempt at a fake smile.

I enter my room and it has a great view of the ocean. I step out to the patio and take off my sunglasses, the sun almost blinding my retinas. I take a deep breath and attempt to forget.

Forget who I was, what I went through and that cheating bastard who made me feel like I had lost everything, including the very essence of who I am.

That's the great thing about vacations and getaways, reinventing a new persona. Here, I am not Jane student, I can be Jane, the photographer, writer, art consultant. Whatever I want. I can create a new persona.

I check my phone at it says 12 PM, the sun is out and I'm starving. The flight didn't serve food and I wasn't going to buy overpriced meals at the airport restaurants. It's not my first time in Bali. The best thing to get is a pork rice bowl also called 'babi guling'.

While i'm here, I don't want to think about anything else. It's paradise and I deserve the escape.

I picked up the phone and call the front desk. "Hello, it's room 502, can you guys help me rent a car? I need it while i'm here." I asked the front desk. "Of course, it'll be ready in around an hour. Is that alright with you?" they replied. "Sure. I'll be there soon". I hung up, ready to start my tour.

I didn't bring much so it took 10 minutes to unpack. By the end, my stomach was grumbling so I needed to get a small snack before my meal or my stomach will explode.

Trying to change into something more "paradise" friendly, I put on my white sundress and washed my face. Slathered on a thin layer of makeup and sunscreen and grabbed the essentials: my phone, wallet, book, camera and powerbank.

Going down to the pool, I ordered a coffee and croissant from the cafe. Then proceeded to sit by the pool as I wait for my car keys to arrive. At the pool, you have your usual players. A group of girls on their annual girls trip. They all have similar yet distinct bathing suits. They're laughing and taking selfies. Maybe they're influencers, I'm not sure. You also have your recently married couples, clearly coming here on their honeymoon. Attached at the hip and hopeful about their relationship. You also have the LBH (Loser's Back Home), sitting by the pool smoking while their arm candies swim or sunbathe next to them. Then, you have the solo travelers like me. All of them in Bali to look for... something.

Not long after finishing my coffee and croissant, James approached me, telling me that my car is near. I picked up my things and headed to the lobby, head down, trying to make sure I didn't leave anything.

Suddenly, I bumped my head into a body and everything in my bag spilled out. "Shit", I reached down, trying to grab my things. "I'm sorry", a man's voice replied. I looked up to find my eyes meeting his. Brown, just like mine, with specs of softer browns highlighting the shape. He's either korean or japanese, pale complexion and slightly curled hair. Multiple piercings on his lip and ears, with tattoos on his sleeve. "No.. no problem. I bumped into you, I'M sorry." I replied, trying to keep my cool even though I do find him attractive.

"Mr Richards, your tour is ready." James told him. "Okay, just a moment." He replied, his voice deep and smooth, like a scotch on the rocks after a hard day.

"Are you okay?" He asked me. "Y..Yeah. I'm sorry I got light foundation on your shirt." I replied, pointing at the patch of powder on his shirt. I don't really know how to "set" a foundation. "Don't worry, it'll be like a souvenir."He replied, making me laugh a little.

"What tour are you taking?" I asked, deciding to be confident Jane at that moment to get the cute boy to talk to me. "Not sure, I just wanted to see the beaches here so they set it up for me." He replied. "Well, the beaches here are great just be careful of scams." I said, while walking towards James who gestures that my car is ready.

"Wait", he grabs my arm swiftly but lets it go, "what do you mean by scams?" he asked, sort of innocently. I smirked and says "Well, it's Bali and you look foreign. The places there might give you a higher price. It's commonplace, but try not to pay too much." I replied, trying to walk away again.

He catches up to me, "do you mind coming with? I can use a tour guide." He says, letting out a cheeky smile. I think about it for a quick second, there's no chance he's a serial killer right. So I decided to say, "You're not a serial killer right?" blurting out my thoughts. I have no filters on vacation.

He laughs, hoping I would too. "N..No. Don't worry. I've just never been here alone, it's kind of .. interesting." He replies. "If I am though, you know where I live so just report me." He assures.

Being caught up, I agreed but said "Wait what about your tour?" "Don't worry, i've already paid so no harm done." He replied. "Okay mr worldwide, now you're making me nervous." I replied.

He laughs and said, "why?"

"well, now I have to be worth your time AND the money you spent on the trip." I replied, walking him to the car I rented. Stepping inside, I connected my bluetooth and looked up my favorite restaurant.

"I didn't catch your name." He asked, looking at me from the driver's seat. "I'm Jane, what about you?" I replied. "You don't.." he starts,"My name is Jun.. Justin." He said. "Jun Justin? Is that korean or something?" I replied. "No, it's Justin, I just have a small stutter when I'm nervous." He said. "Okay, let's do something about these nerves." I replied, taking my phone as we stop for a red light.

"What song?" I asked him. "Do you have any favourites?" "Not at the moment, what are you listening to?" He asks.

I get a little nervous. Usually a person's song picks reveal more than you think. What kind of persona do I want to portray?

Deciding the safest option, I decided to play the top 40 mix. 'Die with A Smile' by Bruno Mars plays. "Nice." He replies, a smile now plastered on his face and starts singing.

Shocked, I say, "Damn. That voice. You should be a singer." genuinely amazed at his vocal control, almost melting with the sound blasting. He laughs and continues to sing, prompting me to do the same, not being able to help myself.

There's something about connecting with another person through music. In that moment, it takes you where you need to be. A moment of euphoria that can only be captured and felt at that moment, quite difficult to be retold or recreated. We smiled at each other as we sung the song, it took my mind off the traffic ahead and the scorching heat of the Bali sun.

We arrive at the restaurant and it's quiet, perfect. "This is pork, do you eat it?" I asked, trying to be sensitive towards other cultures' dietary restrictions. "Yes. Is it.. how do you say.. spicy?" He asks. "It can be but they usually separate the sauce." I replied.

He takes out a jacket, hat and sunglasses out of his bag and puts it on. Is he trying to hide or just hate the sun? Most asians don't want to be sunburned. It felt too prying to ask.

I unlocked the door and we stepped out. Before I could say anything to the waitress, he says, "do you have a private room?". The waitress nods and we're placed in a small room that overlooks the view. The restaurant was placed near a rice field, it was beautiful.

At this point, my curiosity was spiraling outwards, almost like vomit. "Why do you want a private room?" I blurted, finding some of his behaviors weird. He takes a moment to answer, "Th.. There's usually individual AC here, it's cooler." He replied. It makes perfect sense. I guess I just never thought of it since i'm already used to the heat. I am wearing sundress and him a jacket.

"You should get the complete set and ask for them to separate the spices." I told him, while looking at the menu. He nods in agreement while browsing. The waitress comes into our room and we decided to order the same set and some coconut water. Looking at him, he only points to what he wants, not speaking that much or looking at the waitress' direction.

Rude. I thought to myself. I've always hated people who were rude to service people. Having once worked there, it's just common decency to look at them in the eyes. I say thank you to our waitress and smile at her.

I take a deep breath, trying to refrain my judgments. This is adventurous Jane after all.

"So.." I said, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from South Korea but currently living in LA." He replies. "Wow, I've never been to South Korea. Is it nice?" I replied, feeling validated about my earlier guesses. "Yeah. It's nice, especially during the summer." He replies. "What about you?" He added. "I'm from New York. Just here for a vacation." I replied, trying to see how much I need to expose about myself.

"Isn't the flight long?" He said, trying to break the ice as he notices my discomfort. "Yeah, over 20 hours. At least I made it." I replied. "Must be long for you too. I always find it difficult to sleep on airplanes." I added, trying to find common ground. "Oh yeah, I used to have a problem with that too. But it helps if you have sleeping pills." He replies. I nod my head in understanding.

"So, Justin, tell me your bucket list." I ask.

"Bucket list? W-What do you mean?" He replies, smiling. "Come on, anyone who travels that far from home HAS to have a bucket list. What's yours?" I replied, trying to be coy. He raises his eyebrows, "what's yours?", asking cheekily.

I roll my eyes playfully and say, "Not fair. I asked you first." I replied, trying to make him show his cards first before I had to do so with mine. He raises his hands and say, "okay..okay. I just wanted.. a break I guess. I grew up in Busan, which has a lot of beaches. I just miss that." He replies, looking out into the view.

I can't help but feel a sense of tenderness in his longing. I just hope he's telling me the truth. "You live in LA? Aren't there beaches there." I replied. "Yes, but it's ... loud? I need somewhere quiet." He replies. I nod and say, "I get what you mean. My parents used to take me to the beach as well, on the weekdays. Nothing beats the sound of the waves reminding you that everything that reaches the shore, will go back to the ocean." I reply and he smiles as we look into each other's eyes. This time, I'm able to look at him better. His eyes are tender and his gaze inviting. I have to remind myself not to make the same mistakes.

Our gaze is broken by the sound of doors opening, our food is here and the waitress brings it to us. We both say our thanks to her and dig in. "Okay, this is pork, veggies, the spices and nuts. Usually eating them in one bite is the way to go but it's up to you." I say to him. He nods and takes a bite, coughing for some water. I laugh, "don't koreans love spicy food?" teasing him. "Y-Yeah okay. What about you? What white girl eats this level of spice?" He jokes. "Okay. I'm half. So, this is me honoring my ancestors." I replied.

We finished our foods and asked for the bill. I take out my wallet and he tells me to put it away. "You drove, I'll pay this one." He replied. I reluctantly accept, "Thanks." I replied. We left the restaurant and went inside the car.

"Okay. You got everything?" He asked. "Yes, what did you think?" I asked him. "It's spicy but delicious. I've never had pork like that." He added. "Yeah, definitely a Bali classic. I always go there when I go here." I replied. "How often to do you come here?" He asks. "About once every couple of years, when I can. My grandparents used to live here." I replied. "Oh.. are they still.."

"No. They passed during COVID." I blurted.

"I'm sorry." He replied.

There is an awkward moment of silence. We both didn't know where to take it from here.

"May I?" He gestures to the radio, wanting to play his music. I nod, not being able to really speak. It was hard losing them and not being there, instead being thousand of miles away.

He chooses 'Close to You' by the Carpenters. I smile, a perfect song for a drive to the beach.

Just like that, we started singing again. This time with a bittersweet tone as if we both lost something, making me feel less alone.

"You know, you have a great voice too." He says, trying to encourage me to sing more. "T-thanks. I've always loved it." I replied. It was nice to be complemented on my voice, since I don't show it often. "This beach, is called green bowl, the walk is kind of long since it's a hidden beach." I told him. "Perfect. How did you know about it?" He asked. "My grandparents took me here when I was young and I loved it." I replied.

"What about you? Are you close with your family?" I asked, trying to play it safe. "Yeah. I have an older brother and we're all close. My parents love to sing." He said. "Mine too! Did they make you and your brother sing?" I asked. "Yes, it was so much pressure sometimes." He replied. "I totally get it. My sister and I would be asked to perform for them. Definitely fun but a little cringy." I replied. He laughed in agreement.

We finally arrived at the beach, parked the car and headed down the trail to see the shore. It was quiet and the sun was bright. About 10 minutes after hiking down, Justin looked overheated and took off his jacket, and t-shirt, revealing a tank top he had been wearing underneath.

It caught me off guard. His tattoos seem to run through his chest and his muscles now prominently gleaming as sweat builds. He caught me looking at his body and I quickly looked away, though I can see a small smirk escaping his mouth. I was also in heat and considering to take off my sun dress, revealing my bikini top and shorts. I took a big gulp and decided against it for now.

The trail was steep, I don't remember it being this long. "Are you okay?" He asked, grabbing my arm, startling me. "Y-Yeah. It's just more difficult than I remember" I replied, out of breath. Of course I was struggling, I haven't been to the gym for over a year and he looks like he lives there.

He smiles. "Don't laugh at me okay, Do you know expensive gyms are in New York?" I replied, trying to defend myself. "No..No. It's cute, you look like a tomato." He jokes. "What?" I said, taking out my phone and looking at my face. He was right, I look like a ripe tomato with eyes and a mouth. There goes my chances at flirting with him. He's seen me red-hulk-out.

I groaned and proceeded to walk past him. "Hey" He yelled, catching up to me, "It was a joke, come on." He added. "Don't be made, here just hit my arm", he jokes. "You know I don't have the energy." I replied, "come on we can already hear the waves, don't talk to me or you'll have to carry me." I replied.

He nodded in agreement and we finally arrive at the beach. Just as I suspect, no one is here and the waves are clear as day. There's not even any merchants or civilians, just absolute peace and quiet. Just like how it was with my grandparents.

I took a deep breath and we both looked at each other, a smile escaped and we ran to the ocean. Him taking off his pants to reveal swim trunks and my taking off my sundress. We left them at a spot by the beach along with our belongings because we just needed to cool off.

Walking into the cold ocean water was a relief unlike any other. Our sweats melted away and I dove in. My hair now wet from the salty ocean waters and my body exposed. For a moment, I forgot that Justin was there. He too was admiring the view, peace and tranquility.

As I came up for air, I saw Justin staring at me. I look away to see the horizon, "beautiful isn't it?" I say. "Yes." He replies.

I look back at him and he starts splashing me with water, leading me to do the same. He starts moving closer to me, as if trying to grab my waist, starring at me more intensely at my eyes, then my lips. As he gets closer, "Wait, sunscreen." I said, out of panic. Perhaps to stop whatever this was from progressing further. "Be right back", I added as I swam back to shore. He follows me not long after.

Arriving to shore, I sat on our beach towel and pulled out sunscreen. Justin walked back to shore and saw me struggle to place them on my back. Without hesitation, he took it out of my hands and said, "let me help". He sits behind me and starts placing his hands on the middle of my back, slowly applying the sunscreen as if not to let it bleed to my bikini. His touch is soft and cold from the ocean water. He then moves to my lower back and starts tracing to leave no part untouched. Flustered, I turn my back and say, "thanks." grabbing the sunscreen off his hands.

"My turn?" He asks. I nodded, trying to avoid his eyes and he turns his back to me. I start rubbing his back, trying to be as quick as possible. "All done." I told him. He looks to me, a little bit puzzled. We sat next to each other quietly, just enjoying the sound of the waves.

Seeing my sudden discomfort, he takes out his phone and plays another song, he chooses, 'At Last' by Etta James. I smile, it's a personal favorite. "Another great choice," I said, smiling and looking at him. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a notebook, "I didn't answer, I do have a bucket list." he says, giving it to me.

Dance on the beach. It writes.

I smile, knowing it's a play but wanting to participate anyway. Thinking that I can, somehow, win.

He takes out his hand and stands up. I take it, trying to hide my smile and we danced in that quiet beach with only Etta James and the waves to serenade us. Our bodies still cold from the ocean water but warm at the touch, he placed his hands on my waist and I placed my arms on his neck. He pulled me closer, slowly, as if trying to tell me that it's okay. The wind blowing our hair that's heavy from salt, we both laughed and smiled at the ridiculousness of what's happening.

"Was it really on your bucket list?" I asked, trying to potentially call his bluff. Looking down to avoid his face and readjusting my gaze to the ocean as to not pry. He laughs, "Yes. What are the odds I find a beach this quiet." He replies. "Well, all you needed to do was go thousand of miles away from home." I reply, trying to be witty.

"I have to ask, why this song?" I said.

"My parents got married to this song." He replied, our eyes finally meeting at such a close proximity.

I can only smile, charmed by his answer as this too is my favorite song to dance to.

When the song almost reaches its end , I said, "I also have a bucket list." I said, "What?" He says, softly, the depth in his voice still present like a whisper. "Cartwheels on the beach." He smiles and pulls away, stepping back to do cartwheels. I try to do the same but get nowhere near to his level.

We laugh and try some more cartwheels, with 'unwritten' playing in the background.

I lay on the hot sand laughing, exhausted from my attempts. He lays next to me, "one down, how many more to go?" he asks, panting. I look to him, the ocean in the background. He leans closer to my face, changing his gaze back and forth from my eyes to my lips. Overwhelmed with joy and confusion, I close my eyes, hoping he'll get my signal. I don't care if it's too soon to be kissing someone new, I don't care that I just met him, nothing else matters.

He brings his arm to my back, urging me to move closer to him, I can feel his breath slowly touching my upper lip. Then a wave crashes in, breaking the spell and pushing us into laughter. Water and send stars getting into our eyes, ears and nose. I get up and ask him to do the same. I walk towards our spot and grab a bottle of water to wash myself a little. He takes the bottle from my hand and does the same.

I take out my camera and starts taking pictures. "Nice, may I?" he said, asking for it. He starts taking pictures of me, asking me to smile despite my shyness. He then sits next to me and asks me to lean in. Click, our pictures taken. "Are you a photographer?" He added.

"N-no, it's just a hobby." I responded. "What about you? What do you do?" I asked. He looks around, like looking for the best answer. "I'm on break, after military discharge." He responded. "Oh right, you have to do mandatory military service in South Korea." I replied, trying to show him my knowledge of the world. "Y-yeah. It's an honor but also kind of a drag." He replied. "I mean I get it, pausing everything must be difficult." I said. "Yeah, but at least I get a break." he said, laying down.

"Well, you deserve it. What did your friends or family say when you wanted to take a vacation all the way to Bali?" I asked. "They were shocked but understanding, I'll take any chance I get." He replied. "What about you? what do you do?" He added. "I'm -- on sabbatical." I replied. He smirks, "that's so American." he replies. "Yes, definitely not my proudest asian moment but I just needed an escape." I said, sighing. "From what?" he asked. I look to the ocean, "just everything." I replied.

He sits up again and looks at me, seeing my distress as I almost bring myself to tears at the realization that real life still exists past this island, waiting for me to return. "Something happened didn't it?" he said, "back home?" he added.

"Yeah." I said, my voice slightly cracking. "I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear it." I added, taking a deep breath after. "No-no, I do. Only if you want to share. Tell me, it'll stay between us." He said, holding my hand. I stop looking at the ocean and look at his hand on mine. Should I say it? Is it worth it? Why ruin the persona? I'm fun, not a sad sack. No, I'm not falling for this, it's too soon. I gaze my eyes towards him, regaining my composure, and smile, "what's next on your bucket list?"

He lets out a small smile, "snorkeling?" he said.

I get up and walk towards a booth that is now just opening, a rental shop for snorkeling gear. Despite my need to connect, I can't bring myself to tell him more. It's a vacation fling, we both know what this was. The less we know, the better.

After negotiating a deal with the vendor, I return to our spot with gears. I raced to the ocean and jumped into the water, with him following not long after. We saw turtles, corals and some beautiful fishes. Before we knew it, the sky started to change, sunset was near. I swam near him and said, "hey we should go back up soon. The sun is setting and there's no lights on the path." "Sure, let's pack up." he said.

We both swam back to shore and started drying up as the sun begins to set. "Beautiful isn't it? No day like the one before." I said, looking at the sky. "Yeah, reminds you to anticipate what's to come no matter what." He said, also looking towards the ocean. "Are you hungry?" I asked. "Yeah, what are you thinking?" he replied. "Maybe mexican? and some beer?" I replied and he agreed.

The walk up was much easier. Maybe it was because we were talking more, maybe we got more comfortable. I learned that his favorite foods are chicken, ramen and pizza. I told him mine were pasta and fried chicken. He told me about his favorite movie: La La Land and I told him about my love for the movie Atonement. We agreed to watch it together but I know that's just for niceties.

On the drive back, we stopped by a film development spot to get the photos produced. The owner is a friend and will text me when the films are ready. Justin offered to drive back for some of the trip. I fell asleep, being too exhausted from the day we just had. From almost making out to a stranger to doing horrible cartwheels by the beach. When we arrived he touched my shoulder softly as to no startle me and said, "hey, we're here."

I woke up and he offered to walk me into my room. His room was in floor 10, the fancier suits. I unlock my door, "thanks for today." I add as I enter my room. He holds the door with his hand as I try to close it, "hey" he says, looking straight at me, "thank you."

Without warning, he grabs my waist and pulls me closer, pausing to look at my face to see if i'm okay with what's happening. I give a slight nod and he closes his eyes and leans in while I do the same. We finally kiss and it's familiar, comforting, warm. He uses his other hand to cup my face and I grab the back of his head. He pushes me inside my room and I shut the door behind him.

He pins me against the door and I tip my toes to make things more comfortable. His lips massage mine as his hands move from my chin to my hair. I grab his waist below his shirt, feeling the outline of his muscles as it pushes against my body. I pull back to gasp for air, both of us hearing each other's heartbeat.

"Dinner tonight? He asks. I smile and nodded.

He leaves the room and I find myself touching my lips and leaning against the door. I haven't been kissed like that since Micah, my old boyfriend. I can't help but smile but quickly snap myself back into reality. This is a vacation boyfriend, nothing more. I'm here to have fun, I'm here to let loose. It's nothing. This is nothing.

Right?