Chapter 5 Aurora

How dare he? Talk to me about loneliness, about emptiness, how dare he?

I pull my black hair into a messy bun, shaking my head, trying to push away all thoughts of Alexandru.

I shouldn't have gone back home, New Orleans brought nothing but pent-up thoughts. I still can't believe I exploded at him, but he had it coming. And the kiss, I can't believe I kissed him, but that's something I'll easily forget. It was a mistake. Everything I thought I felt was a mistake. It was all psychological, not some mate bond or whatever. I thought I needed him, wanted him, but I was overwhelmed. Tired. My guard was down.

A mistake I never want to think about-an embarrassing mistake embodying every reason I don't want to go back.

I'm never stepping foot in New Orleans again. Ever.

I fold my clothes, almost done, then move to my little library. I'm a reader, have been all my life. My mom once told me "book" was one of my first words. I was born to read, but it's a habit I've nurtured, one that's grown rapidly over the years. Sadly, I haven't had much time to indulge lately, and it saddens me. I've been busy.

Zoe went to visit her parents in Alabama, and Cyp is still in Romania. I miss them so much, they're my center, my lifeline.

I pull out the first book, then pour it all on the tile. I dust the wooden shelves, admiring the design. I got this shelf a few years ago, drawn to the little butterfly carved on it. I clean, polish, then arrange the books bit by bit, loving the feel and sight of them.

I reach for The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue and frown, tilting my head as memories of the story surface. I put it aside, cleaning my entire Harry Potter and Percy Jackson collections. I glance again at the novel but bite my lip, leaving it there and heading to the kitchen.

My kitchen is a mess. I live in a penthouse apartment in SoHo, the rich side. Zoe's in Hell's Kitchen, Cyp in L.A. I stare around my large kitchen, ashamed of the mess but delighted at the size. This was the first thing I bought with my first paycheck, plus my savings, a birthday present to myself. I've been living here for two years and counting.

I get to work, cleaning and scrubbing. My grumbling stomach reminds me I haven't eaten. I decide on pasta, but the New Orleans girl in me refuses pasta when I'm this hungry. I'll go all the way out: gumbo and red beans and rice. It's a lot, but I don't mind. I'll cook enough for Zoe and Cyp, they love my food.

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There was no reason to stay in New Orleans. I love my parents, but they should visit me.

Love is hard for people like me because our souls aren't here, they're far away. They say nostalgia is longing for the past. What do we call longing for the future? Hope? I'm terrified of the future. I know things may not work out the way I want, but I can't help hoping.

I've never belonged in New Orleans. I belong here, in New York, with its insanity and chaos. The city that never sleeps.

Charles Bukowski wrote - When nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it? Freedom or loneliness?

I wonder how freedom tastes, being free, belonging to no one but yourself. I used to long for that: to fleet, to drift, to stray among lives and leave as fast as I arrived. I wanted to leave and never come back, never stay in one place for too long. I wanted to be free, to have a home in myself. So I left. I built a home inside me, with an unshakable foundation, and it is beautiful.

I blink, bringing my attention back to the book. V.E. Schwab's Addie LaRue is becoming one of my favorites of all time. It feels amazing to see yourself in a character, I see so much of me in Addie LaRue, hilarious since we share a name.

"You want to be loved, but seeing as you're lonely, no one will love you. You want to be enough for yourself, but you don't like yourself very much. You once watched Little Women and cried like a baby because you think your life sucks. You see Jo March-you look like Jo March, you feel like Jo March. You want to be a powerful woman who is not just known."

I shake my head, frustrated that his words are still stuck in my mind. Once again, I return my attention to the beautiful book in my hands. It's a beautifully written and captivating novel that explores freedom, identity, and the human desire for connection.

The story is set in 18th-century France, following Addie LaRue, a young woman who makes a Faustian bargain to live forever but is cursed to be forgotten by everyone she meets.

The novel is expertly crafted, with a richly imagined world and characters both relatable and intriguing. The author weaves Addie's past and present, revealing the many struggles and triumphs she's faced over centuries.

One standout element is the vivid depiction of 18th-century France, creating a strong sense of time and place. The historical details are well-researched, adding depth and highlighting the stark contrast between Addie's past and present. It makes me love France even more.

I eat my gumbo, put the book down, and call Cyp. He picks up almost immediately, like he's been waiting by the phone.

"Hi, my love." I grin, staring at his beautiful face, his eyes glowing.

"Hi, my darling." He grins, shifting behind the screen, trying to settle comfortably.

"How are you?" I smile, taking a bite of rice.

"I see you're eating again. Leave me some," he teases, and I giggle.

"I'm fine. I should be back soon. Work's been annoyingly hectic. Mom is getting better, but not there yet. I'm thinking of flying her to Los Angeles, but she can be dramatic, so we'll see. I'd love for her to meet you, two most beautiful, important women in my life."

I blush. "I'd love to meet her too. How's your dad and everybody else?"

"They're all good, delighted to have me home no doubt. But Ronan and Christian leave tonight, so I have to stay a bit longer. I saw Ronan's baby girl for the first time, she's beautiful, with amazing curly hair. I genuinely can't wait, my love."

"Me too. I can't wait to start a family with you."

We talk for almost an hour until Zoe calls.

"I have to go. It's Zee." I say, and he nods.

"Hey babe." Zoe grins, looking refreshed.

"You look amazing." I smile.

She shrugs. "It's a sign of good living. You look beautiful too." She winks.

"How's everyone there?"

"They're good. How was the Big Easy?"

I grimace. "It was okay."

"Uh-uh. What happened? Tell me." She looks worried.

I'm ashamed to admit I've never told Zoe or Cyp about where I come from and all its complications.

I choose my words carefully. "I ran into an ex. More like collided."

"Oh. Awkward?" She winces.

"Yeah. He's demanding and stupidly confident. I hadn't seen him in over five years, so I was shocked."

"Hope he didn't try anything stupid?" She's concerned.

I laugh. The thought of Alexandru trying something stupid is hilarious, he's a gentleman. "Nope. He's a gentleman."

Zoe stares at me with piercing eyes. "What are you not telling me, Rora?"

Everything. I'm not telling you a lot of things.

Instead, I laugh to dissolve the tension. "Cyp wants to have kids. That's what I'm not telling you."

Her eyes light up. "You lucky girl. Pick a date already."

I smile, but it fades when she goes back to the topic. "How's Dad and Mom?"

"Their anniversary was good, but they want me to come back home. Of course, I said no, vehemently. How could they ask me to come back?" I feel angry again.

"Talk to me." Zoe's voice softens.

"I hated that place. I hated everyone there. I hated him especially. How dare he? How dare all of them ask me to drop everything and come back home? I know I have a big family," I say carefully.

"But I left home to be free. I've never been part of them, never felt like them. I'm the odd one out, and I like it that way. Then I saw him, Luc. He looked so grown. It was the first time I saw him. I won't lie, he looked good. But then he opened his stupid mouth and commanded me to stay, stay in New Orleans, leave New York, leave my job, my apartment, leave my best friend and boyfriend. I told him to go fuck himself, in nicer terms. It's hard to believe their hypocrisy, with Luc calling me his 'Mat - Soulmate' in front of everyone. It was embarrassing. I hated it."

I suck in a breath, feeling the hurt inside.

"When I left home, none of them came after me. Not even my parents. I appreciate that, but they should have cared. I was deeply hurt. Love, they say, is a double-edged knife. I hurt him, hurting myself in the process. Maybe once, I loved Luc. I'd have danced to my parents' tune. But not now. I'm doing what Luc doesn't have the balls to do. I'm living. Only for him to belittle the way I live, telling me I feel empty and lonely. How incredulous."

"I'm so sorry, babe." Zoe smiles sadly. "I think it's brave of you to have come this far. He's an asshole who never had faith or hope in you. But you survived, living beautifully. It's enviable, and I love you. Cyprus loves you. And that's enough."

It is enough.