Chapter 5 Who Are You

Edward's pov

Morning came after what looked like an eternity. I couldn't sleep. It was impossible with so many thoughts keeping me from it.

It was her... she was there all the time.

How the hell am I going to face her?

I totally ignored her existence and left her there alone, crying in silence, helpless...

I'm the reason she failed that interview. It was..my fault...

"Edward, focus." Jared said, taking me out of my line of thoughts, "Are you even listening?"

"I'm listening. I..." What was he saying? "What did she say about the contract?"

"You really didn't listen." He rolled his eyes, " She said She will think. It's a lot to process."

This girl is strange-what is it to think about?

"Here. Your daughter made this for you." He handed me a frame, a painting of a butterfly.

"Sarah did this?" He didn't answer. I looked at the frame again. She is really good. I didn't know she was this good. Probably got that from me.

The way she played with the colors. Bright, simple yet with a hint of magic. A great job.

"She wanted to give it to you personally." Jared said, making me look at him. Sadness, all over his face.

I... I had a meeting to attend. I couldn't... aghhh. I'm doing this for her. All I do is... for her.

Who am I trying to fool?

She reminds me of Christine. Her natural blushed cheeks and dark brown eyes. A replica of the woman who broke my heart, who makes me feel so much pain... till today. The only thing she got from me is her thick black hair-That's probably the only thing we have in common after all. I still didn't get over it. And I'm sorry it's affecting Sarah this much.

It is... a lot.

I was still thinking about everything when the annoying ring of my brother's phone filled the room.

He picked up the phone, "Hello, this is Jared Wilson. How can I help?... Ohh Bella. It is great to hear from you. How are you?... Couldn't be better. What brings you to call me this early in the morning?... WHAT?! But... I understand...bye." And he disconnected the call. Disappointment written all over his face.

"What is it?" I was curious.

"She declined." He said , "Bella declined the offer."

"What, why?" This must be a joke.

"She said she has her reasons." He said, incredulous, "One million dollars, to be a nanny, but still... I don't get it."

I do. "No one has reasons to give a no as an answer." To hell with her reasons. She is going to see...

"What are you going to do, Edward?" My brother asked.

Who does she think she is to say no to me?

She is going to regret doing that...

I got my car keys and got out without saying a word. I will make her swallow her words.

*****

Bella's pov

I woke up after not sleeping much.

I can't sleep with so much going on in my mind.

It's still 7am, but I already did all the housework. The garden is perfect and the food is in the oven.

Mr Wilson gave me his number yesterday.

Why is it being so difficult to call?

What will I do?

What will I say?

I couldn't answer those questions. And it didn't take long till the time I couldn't hold myself and called.

"Hello. Jared Wilson. How can I help?" His deep voice sounded from the other side. My heart stopped beating for a few seconds. The world stopped and I had a sensation of almost death before it got steady again.

It's a call, just a call, Ella. Relax.

"Hello Mr Wilson. It's Bella."

"Ohh Bella. It is great to hear from you. How are you?"

Alive. Barely breathing.

"I'm fine. I hope you're fine too." I said instead.

"I couldn't be better. What brings you to call me this early in the morning?" I'm sorry, but I'm about to destroy your morning.

"Well. I called to give you my answer..." I took a deep breath, "I decline your offer."

"WHAT? But..."

"Please don't ask me why." I cut him off, "I have my reasons. I can't help you."

"I understand..." He said, but his voice was saying otherwise.

"Thank you so much for the opportunity." I said, "Bye, Mr Wilson."

"Bye." And he disconnected the call. disappointment in every note of his voice.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Mr Wilson.

Accepting this means leaving home. There is a reason I locked myself here-I can't help you if I can't help myself. I'm not the one. I'm not what you need.

I'm here because outside people judge you. People hurt you. People use you and then throw you away. They don't care. No one cares. No matter how hard you try, it will never be good enough. You'll never be good enough.

I am not enough.

I need to do something, but what?

I already did... everything.

When did I start leaving like this?

I can't get it. I wasn't like this before. I used to be happy. Life used to make sense. Now I'm here, locked in these four walls trying to understand what changed.

Everything was perfect. I've always been good at school, at work, at life, at... Love?

Oh, that's right. After my marriage everything changed.

It was a year ago, but the wound hasn't healed yet.

Marcus, why did you do this to me?

I thought you loved me.

Why couldn't you wait for me?

Why did you cheat on me?

Why did you leave me like this?

I wasn't good enough for him. I've never been. I'll never be...

Damnit, it's starting again... I'm crying.

"Get out of my mind. I don't want to remember." I said in an almost whisper. These thoughts make me so weak.

"Bella." I heard from behind.

Ain't I supposed to be alone?

Why are you still here?

I don't want you to see me like this.

"This is all your fault, Bella. You're useless. Stupid. Can't you see how ridiculous you are being right now?"

I turned, but no one was there.

I swear I heard Marcus' voice. My... love.

Am I Insane?

I went to my veranda to divert my mind. I closed my eyes and took a deep deep breath.

The aromas of my garden filled me with a sensation of freedom.

The soft breeze caressed my skin, embracing me like in the most comfortable bed.

The sound of the trees dancing in the rhythm of the wind and the birds flaping their wings, singing beautiful melodies that I can't really understand. This is what I need.

I opened my eyes. The sun, so hot and vibrant, the infinite mountains so far away.

It's so beautiful how everything means so much if we close our eyes-Things you learn when you wake up everyday to see nothing until you wear your eyeglasses.

"I am okay." It still looked like a lie, "I'm going to be okay." I said to no one in particular. I can't care too much. I can't give myself another chance to get hurt. "I need to be okay."

I went back inside and looked around. As usual, silence.

I need to do something, divert my mind.

'Paint,' Yes. I need to paint.

Frame, paint, brushes.

Dark colors, like my life. Monotonous.

No emotions, no one to care about you, no one for you to care about. If you get close, you care. If you care, you get hurt.

Black background, ten shades of blue. The beach, no, the ocean-deep and cold. Full of life, but dead.

And here is the final result. Just like my life... full of everything. Nothing really makes sense.

"This is a mess."

"Can't disagree." A deep man's voice filled the room, scaring the hell out of me. I turned and discovered that I wasn't alone. There was a man I've never seen before.

What is this? Am I still hallucinating?

But I don't know this man.

"Who are you?"