Chapter 4 Last meal, last crush

Chapter 4 - A Siren's Call

I had seen the dealers some time ago. Now I parked quietly across the street and watched them through my side mirror, praying for the courage to drive away. But it didn't come. My feet moved on their own, taking one step after another-each one pulling me back into a past I'd fought so hard to escape. The past Freddie had helped me out of. But maybe this time, he was the one pushing me back in.

The dealer was a black man in his late thirties. He looked at me like he could read my mind. Like he could see the war going on in my soul. I think he hesitated, trying to figure out if he should talk me out of it. I avoided his eyes. I didn't want him to see my tears. Maybe in some distant memory, he had a mother or a sister, someone he'd once tried to save. But he'd learned it wasn't his job to fix the broken. It wasn't his job to carry our demons.

"Twenty," he said, handing me a small folded packet.

I gave him the bill and walked away quickly, crossing the road like it would somehow erase the shame trailing behind me. I got into my car and drove off, gripping the wheel like it was the only thing keeping me from falling apart.

Back home, I sat on the floor, staring at the packet in my hand. I kept whispering to myself, This is a terrible idea. You shouldn't do this. But I was already too far gone. My demons had found me, and this time, I didn't have the strength to fight.

When I injected the drug, I didn't cry from the pain. I cried because I had lost. I had fought so long, so hard. And still, I'd lost. I lay there on the cold floor, sobbing until my chest ached and my tears dried up. The deed was done. And I hated myself for it.

This couldn't be who I was. I couldn't let this be my ending-dying at the hands of drugs, remembered only as a junkie. If I was going to die, I wanted it to be on my own terms. With my dignity. So I made a decision.

I was going to end my life.

The thought brought a strange, twisted comfort. It was final. Clean. Peaceful. No more loneliness. No more pain. No more struggling to be seen or loved. No more pretending that I was okay when I hadn't been in years. No one would miss me. Not my mom, not Lucille, not even Freddie. The world would spin just fine without me.

But how? How do you choose to end your life?

I considered hanging myself, but the image was too grotesque. Freddie would be the first person to be summoned. I didn't want him to see me like that. I don't want anyone to. I wanted to disappear. To be gone. Just... vanish.

I packed a small suitcase to make it look like I had left town. In case someone checked. I knew no one would. My mom hadn't called in years. Lucille was probably posting new pictures from some yacht in Greece. And Freddie? He was gone. He had his own demons. He didn't need mine.

I drove for over three hours, heading towards a small town I had visited once with Freddie. His aunt had lived there-before her heart gave out. We had driven past a narrow, forgotten bridge surrounded by trees and silence. I remembered thinking how peaceful it was. Peaceful enough to disappear.

I drove around the sleepy town searching for that bridge, but couldn't find it. Hunger twisted my stomach, but I tried to ignore it. What's the point? I'd be dead and gone soon, what's the point of eating? I thought. Still, my body insisted. So I stopped at a small burger shop off the road.

There were only three people inside: a couple at the far end and a man behind the counter. The man was in his early thirties, clean-shaven, with bright blue eyes and a calm aura. The couple called him Bernie.

I ordered two burgers and a Coke and sat at the booth farthest from the window.

Bernie moved with a slow ease, chatting softly with the couple. I listened in, catching pieces of their conversation. I learned that Bernie wasn't just the guy behind the counter-his father had owned the place before passing, and Bernie had taken over.

When he brought my order, I muttered a quick "Thanks." He nodded politely.

"Ma'am," he said a few minutes later, walking up to my table. "I'm sorry, but I have to go earlier today. I got a call from the hospital... a family emergency."

His voice was calm but heavy. I didn't ask questions. He left, and I was alone again.

The burgers were warm, and for a moment, I forgot everything. I ate slowly, savoring each bite like it might be my last. Because it was.

The burgers were warm and tasty. I ate until my stomach was filled. If only the burgers could fill my loneliness, If only it could warm up my heart too.

I sat still looking outside the window. All the stars shine their brightest and it looks beautiful. So beautiful.

Someone was playing a guitar nearby. Playing a song that sounded familiar and I sat there listening to it.

I should be on my way to end my life but all of a sudden everything was beautiful. The sky, the song.

Bernie looked at me from the counter. He was a really handsome guy and was heavily built. He was the kind who would hit the gym every morning.

I wanted to stay more, just sit and watch him but he was about to close. Today of all days he needs to go early.

AmI having cold feet?? Why am I crushing on someone I just met. This heart could be really funny sometimes