Chapter 3 In Search of Me

I haven't left or spent much time outside my home since the scandal. Even while it could seem suffocating most of the time, it felt safer indoors, hidden.

My phone used to be blaring with notifications, but lately, it has been quiet. The attention seems to be shifting to something else, and everyone seems to be forgetting.

It also became quiet outside as the sunlight slowly faded from the room, but all this silence was a lie. Inside, everything was loud. I couldn't bring myself to stop thinking. Fans, colleagues, and critics all blend into one accusatory voice: You're a liar, Izalea.

It became lonely. I couldn't bring myself to face anyone. I pushed everyone away so it didn't surprise me when they all stopped reaching out. Not even my friends, what would I say?

'Hey, turns out I'm not who you thought I was.'

No, that would only make me feel worse. Make this guilt eat me up some more.

I grounded myself to the warmth of the covers as I cuddled up on my bed. I could feel the tears forming as soon as I closed my eyes, but I was too weak to allow them to fall, so I sucked my breath and focused on clearing my head, trying to ignore the noise, and finding anything, something, that would calm me.

Flashback:

My mother's home was very different from mine. I could almost smell the subtle scent of jasmine that she always wore. As a child, I could see why she kept us hidden. My father's name felt like a curse and she never wanted me to carry on his legacy. So I understood she decided to protect us, me in particular.

She would stand behind me and calmly brush my hair while I sat facing the mirror. "We are who we choose to be, Jazlyn," she'd whisper while holding my face still so I could concentrate on the mirror and examine myself while she instilled those words in me. "Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." She'd say in times of doubt.

In the quiet of the night, her stories were comforting and warm. Then she'd remind me of the same words. Perhaps, I was too young to comprehend at the time, but now in this chaos, I can see why she said them over and over.

Present:

I was unable to break free from the memories and accusations that consumed the silence in my apartment. I got out of bed to gaze out the window for a little diversion and also to feed my eyes, but as the city lights flickered, they felt distant, unfamiliar like they belonged to another world. Which I believe is cause I hadn't been out in quite some time, just when I needed groceries. Even then, I only did it at night wearing a little disguise to keep people from noticing.

When it got dark, I was desperate for some fresh air, so I grabbed my jacket hoodie, put the hood over to hide my face, and hurried out. I honestly had no destination, I just needed to get away from my apartment. The streets bustled with life, with people moving in all directions on about their lives, but I let my legs take the lead, let the city absorb me.

I found myself strolling to a small, quiet park, a spot I'd discovered years ago. I rarely visited it, but now in this solitude, it felt like the only place for me. It was peaceful, and the air was refreshing with the scent of damp earth. The only sound I could hear was the gentle rustle of leaves. I sat down on the wooden bench under an oak tree and stared at the stars. Here, I could finally engage my thoughts.

Who am I, truly? This was all I could think of. It was a question I couldn't even answer. I was no longer Izalea Benson, the adored actress. But I also wasn't Jazlyn Gabby either, the girl with a troubled past. I haven't been that girl for a long time. Or was I somewhere in the middle? Lost in the pieces of a broken identity.

I could hear my mother's voice replaying in my head, her quiet strength in every word. Whoever I choose to be. Maybe, I still haven't figured it out even after all this time. I took it all in, letting it sink within me. Then I felt a sudden chill run through me, I pulled the jacket tighter finding comfort in its warmth. The words now had a strange feel to them, like sweet tunes I hadn't heard in a long time. Now that I knew she was preparing me for the worst, for a time like this, it felt more real than a memory.

I closed my eyes just to focus on that thought, allowing it to settle in the silence. I didn't have to conform to the world's expectations or bear the consequences of my family's sins. Hopefully, amid the scandal, I might find myself, freed from all pretenses.

I got up from the bench, feeling a little bit of relief and determination. This was not over. I would find a way to get through it all and reclaim my life on my terms, starting over and carefully restoring who I was; not as Jazlyn or Izalea, but as someone real and free.

A sudden call came through, it was my mom. She's been worried, sick. And yet here I was, too afraid to answer. I stared at the screen, but I wasn't ready to face her, not yet. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had let her down. She deserved answers, but I had none to give.

What could I say? How could I calm her fears when I barely understood my own?n?