Chapter 1 I NEED A BABY...

Camille's

I have been holding this for too long.

For so long I know I will go crazy if I don't come clean and tell James about my intentions even when I know very well that it will upset him at first.

But I can't help it, I can't keep bearing this cross alone.

I want a baby, and my husband has to know about it.

It's been eleven years and even though our love for each other is more than any woman can ask for, I still want a child to rock in my arms and also proof to my family that I can really bear a child.

I don't even want to talk about them now, I don't want to talk about the insults and threats I have endured all these years from James' family, especially his mom.

Urgghh! That Bitch.

The very thought of it made me recoil with pure hate, and I shook my head to clear the thoughts from my mind.

'Are you okay love?' James' deep voice washed away every thought in my mind and it took me a moment to remember what exactly I had been thinking of.

Oh yes! Having a baby... and planning your mother's funeral. I thought briefly.

My heart started to pound as he kissed me and took the cup from my hand to sip some coffee, I wasn't sure any longer if I should tell him about my plans.

A plan that had birthed in my mind since the day I held my best friend's baby in my arms, which was three weeks ago.

'I am good, just have something I want to talk to you about' I say quickly before I have any more chance to contemplate on it any further.

He scans my face briefly to detect if this is some bad or really bad news, but I keep a straight face until he holds my hands and invites me to the dining table.

He's already dressed in tight jeans and a blue polo, the fading black baseball cap only covers a part of his brown hair which he hasn't cut in a while – his new job at the community center has been taking quite a lot of his time.

Even the time he always has for me...

'Talk to me love, what's going on? Did mom stop by again?' He asked with deep concern in his eyes and I wished that the small world we had built for ourselves was made complete with little us filling the space.

'No she didn't' I assured him and continued quickly before he could say something else.

'I want a baby James, I need my own baby' I held on to his hand which still clutched mine and waited with a pounding heart for a response.

'But we've tried Cam-' he's upset, he only calls me Cam when he's upset, frustrated, tensed, every other time but when he's in a good mood '-the doctors have assured-'

'No James, this isn't about the doctors or the test, this is something else' I paused to look at him, his eyes fixed on me in anticipation.

'I want us to adopt a baby James' I finally said and watched his face slowly cloud with different expressions as realization dawned on him.

I tried to hold on to his hands but it kept slipping away and the pounding in my heart worsened.

He got up from where he started opposite me and paced the kitchen which suddenly felt so tiny, removing his cap to run his hands through his full hair.

I just sat there, waiting, but one thing is for sure, whatever I was waiting for wasn't going to be positive.

And it broke my heart in ways I didn't realize a heart could be broken even before he said any words.

'Why Camille? Why?' he finally asked, still avoiding my eyes. 'Are you sure mom has nothing to do with this? Talk to me Cam, talk to me please' but he didn't even wait for me to say a word before he rambled on.

'We can't adopt a baby Camille, I don't know what has gotten over you but we can't do that. No way' he said with finality and finally turned to face me. An expression crossed his face so quickly before I could register what it was.

Was it guilt? Was he hiding something from me?

'You think I am crazy to want a child after eleven years and at my age? Is that what you think of me now?' I tried really hard to maintain my tone, but I could slowly feel my breath shaking and my voice getting dangerously higher.

He looked away and rested both hands on the sink at the far end of the kitchen, his hair all falling to the front as he bent his head to splash water on his face.

I waited for him to explain what he meant by something getting into me like it was normal for couples to remain childless for years even when the doctors kept assuring them time and time again of their perfect health. Like I was crazy for wanting what every woman wants and lives for, or wasn't having children part of the reason why we got married in the first place?

'What do you want me to tell my mom Camille? By the way I can't stand raising another man's child, I want mine and I don't care how long that takes'

So this is what this is about? pleasing his mother, putting her first as always. Does he think I have all my life to bear children? has he heard of menopause?

'Now it's about your mom and not how I feel. Really?' My voice drops to an inaudible whisper.

'Common Cam, you never liked the woman, but she's still my mom and I still have to consider that'

I looked at him and wondered why I had found the very close relationship he had with his mother charming. Thinking about it now, it disgusts me.

'Fuck you James' I spat out and stormed out of the kitchen, my whole body shaking with pain and disappointment.

Seconds later, I heard the front door slam short.

Thinking back to that moment now, I wish I had never let him leave that way.