Chapter 4 Flaws

The first time someone pointed out my 'flaw', I was eleven. It was a passing comment, a careless remark that would echo in my mind for years to come. "Your Legs are long and tiny, you even have two left legs". I started getting stretch marks on them when I was Thirteen or so. From that moment on, I became acutely aware of every imperfection on my body, every deviation from what was deemed ''normal''. I have two left legs that when I walk they both go separate and it always makes me look so awkward and funny whenever I walk, including my legs being tiny. Oh gosh, funny right?...

Since I started hearing lots of people telling me the same thing and making me aware of my situation, I embarked on this journey again , to force my legs when I walk, pay attention to it and also get rid of my stretch marks. I started walking like my life depended on it(sobs). Yeah it actually did depend on it, I needed a cute stature and walking manner to compliment my beauty. Do you care to know? That I still walk that same way, and have still got the stretch marks on, my scars to my beautiful.

The new term finally began and we were to move to another class as we just graduated from the former. Of course, new students will come and few or none will leave. Half of my classmates left and the same number that left were occupied with new students. Yay, free at last from a few.

There comes Beck, one of the new guys that came into our class as a new student, Beck had black eyes, curly brown hair but was really cute and he looked so tall in his uniforms, he smells like mint and he was really really neat. Okay, I must agree I fell In Love at first sight, never been Inlove and he was my first, I said to myself that I would act like I do not like anything that has to do with guys so that he would see me different from other girls who tried to talk to him.(funny). But on second thought, have I forgotten how much no one likes me in my class , even if he tries to talk to me I'm sure they would look for ways to stop us from talking. "Oh , no, what if he already thinks of me like that too, what if he stares at me because of the way I walk and my personality , damn! I better stop imagining him to like me. I would only injure my cute little heart", I thought then.

The funny thing I was always scared of happened again... yeah it did. I noticed the new students drifting far away from me, including Beck and some were already talking behind my back again. I knew they had already told them stuff about me again and of course no one wanted to talk to me anymore. Like, seriously, it was really getting frustrating this time and i just wanted to talk out loud and talk back at those spreading the news but I thought what if I talk and then they be like, "yeah this is who she is, "

"everyone was right" ,

I just controlled my anger and sat down on my seat.

The closing bell rang, "argh, finally some peace" I said to myself while packing my bag, immediately I was done packing I rushed out of the classroom to pick a cab to go home.

That day the house was quieter than usual, mum wasn't home the same as dad, I remember taking out my phone and gave mum a call to know where she was... "hey pretty boo, where are you? '' I said to her after she answered my call. "I'll be home soon my love, I rushed down to school to get something done, I prepared food for you, just take it out of the fridge and microwave it, I love you " she replied.

"Oh, mum is not at home, I get to just sleep first after showering then watch some sitcom on the tv" I said, dropping the phone.

Still laughing and tears rolling down my eyes to my face, while remembering all this that happened I remembered something that happened a few weeks back, or should I say used to happen until I gave myself space to self reflect on myself : The notification blinked on my screen, cruelly illuminating the darkened room. It was a message I hadn't expected from this particular guy that day. I have always read it from other guys who had always had feelings for me, they end up leaving whenever I tell them about something they do that I don't like, I wonder why that always happens. It was a message I didn't expect from a guy I thought would hit 'send' on those words. It read : "Sometimes I blame myself for telling you how I felt, I just wished we had remained friends'', I remember almost smashing my phone to the ground, In that moment honestly I wasn't hurt by what he said because I am used to hearing that a lot, but I was sad I let it happen again, I knew how much I needed for myself to grow past the old ones, I knew that I did not want to hear this again. But seriously , how can everyone hate me? I thought, I think it's time to self reflect, I really needed to. I was done looking at the message so I rushed into my room to get my phone and pen. I went online and searched for a free online therapist because I was almost going crazy. It took forever while searching but I eventually found one who was giving free consultations at that time. Oh, I became happy and hurriedly booked an appointment. She wasn't available to chat that minute but I was asked to wait online for a while. It took hours though but a few hours later I got her message saying she is available to chat now. I was so happy, and then I started to chat. I greeted her first and she responded calmlyI explained everything, my pains and what had been going on in my life. She was really a good listener as she listened to every detail of my story. After fully explaining, she told me to take a deep breath first and then she started to type. It took a while and when the notification eventually popped up I clicked on the message and it read :"sweetheart, I want you to know that you are not alone. Sometimes, people struggle to understand each other. But it doesn't mean they hate you. You have a beautiful heart, for wanting to change to who they want you to be or always wanting to please them just to make friends, and it's okay to be different. And at the same time you might also need work on yourself, you might be doing something really wrong that you do not know about but trust me we can work together to help you find ways to express yourself better that make you feel good and understood. You are strong, and you have the power to grow into the amazing person you are meant to be''. She replied. As the therapist's words washed over me that day I had a glimmer of hope ignited within. For the first time what felt like forever, someone saw past the surface and acknowledged the struggle I'd been carrying. It was as if a lifeline had been thrown to me in the midst of a storm. For once I didn't feel entirely alone. The path ahead seemed daunting , I knew there was someone beside me, ready to guide me through the darkness. With a newfound determination, I whispered, "thank you, I'm ready to try and change whatever needs to be changed " I took a deep breath, the weight of my struggles pressing down on me. "I really need help," I admitted, my voice carrying the urgency of someone who had carried too much for too long. "what should I do to get started? It feels like it's all becoming too much". I replied to her text hoping for a reply that could really help me. Few seconds later she replied "we'll start by identifying some activities or outlets that you've always been curious about or a hobby you would like to try, it could be painting, dancing, or even joining a club at school. Find something that feels like a genuine expression of yourself. And remember, there's no rush, take it one step at a time. And be kind to yourself along the way. She replied. A glimmer of hope washed over me as the therapist spoke. "writing", I replied, feeling the word take from my thumbs "I've always been drawn to it, but never thought of it as something I could truly explore" I typed. She replied saying "why don't you write a story about yourself, if it's painting, paint about it, if it's singing, write lyrics about it. Whenever you get out of school, write everything that happened throughout the day, and self reflect on why it happened, what you should have done, do that constantly and it will help. Don't forget to be you in the process, this will help you to know more about yourself, it will create self awareness, get to love you first and the rest becomes a story" she replied. At this time I had just one free coin left to ask anything and then I decided to use the last coin to say a big thank you to her. She was so sweet, calm and understanding. I knew that I had started a long, long journey that would help me and was only for the best.