Chapter 5 Five

-- Jazz --

Three days.

It had been three days since I was admitted to the hospital, constantly monitored by Dr. Freehely. And even now, I still couldn't wrap my head around everything they told me.

I have short-term memory loss.

And worse-I apparently tried to kill myself.

Because I thought Hao was cheating on me.

I saw the pain in his eyes when they explained everything to me. If it weren't for the gauze wrapped around my wrist, I would have thought they were just messing with me.

It never once crossed my mind that Hao would cheat.

I had long accepted that plenty of women were attracted to my fiancé, and honestly, it never really bothered me. Well-except for that one time when Jealena was practically undressing him with her eyes. But even then, I got over it.

Hao had reassured me. You have nothing to worry about, he had said.

Besides, Jealena was busy dating Archer now.

And Hao... he wasn't the type of man to lie or sneak around. If he ever stopped loving me, or if he was interested in someone else, he would tell me outright. I would be the first to know, long before anyone else.

So even I couldn't understand why I ever thought he was cheating... or worse, how I had reached the point of hurting myself.

I was terrified of death.

I couldn't even look at an open casket without feeling like I was suffocating. The mere thought of dying paralyzed me.

So why...?

"Are you taking your meds regularly, Jazz?"

Dr. Freehely's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

We were alone in the hospital room.

"I am," I answered, nodding. "I've never missed a dose."

"When did you start taking heroin?"

I stared at him. "I've never taken one."

"Jazz," Klaus sighed, rubbing his temple. "This stays between us. Not even Dr. Nakago will know about this. So please-tell me the truth."

"Nikki, I swear," I pleaded, eyes wide. "I've never taken heroin. I don't even know what it looks like."

He didn't respond immediately, just studied me carefully.

"The test shows otherwise," he said finally. "Your hormonal imbalance already affects your brain chemistry and mental awareness. The medication your uncle created for you stabilizes that, ensuring you function normally. But taking drugs like heroin, opium, or even ecstasy disrupts that balance-it would make your condition worse."

I looked away. Not because I was guilty.

But because I didn't know what to say.

No matter how much I denied it, the test results were there. The evidence was clear.

And worse-the results didn't indicate a one-time use.

According to the tests, I had been using heroin for a while.

But I remembered nothing.

Did I really take it? Was I capable of doing something so reckless without even realizing it?

"What you have right now is dissociative amnesia," Klaus continued. "You understand what that means, right?"

I nodded. "I know."

"To be precise, I would lean towards selective amnesia rather than localized amnesia. It appears you didn't just forget your suicide attempt and the day before that-you also forgot using heroin."

He walked over and placed a pen and notebook in my hands.

"I'm not trying to be harsh, Jazz," he said, his voice softer. "But you should know by now that people-especially women with hormonal imbalances-are susceptible to depression. And depression isn't something to be taken lightly."

I swallowed hard.

"When you start feeling like the world is caving in, when the thoughts of dying creep in-talk to someone. Don't keep it to yourself. No one can help you if they don't know something is wrong."

He exhaled, his voice turning more personal. "This is me being Nikki and not Dr. Freehely. Do you even realize how many people would forever blame themselves if they lost you? Do you have any idea how devastated they would be?"

I felt my throat tighten.

"So talk," he urged. "And if you can't talk-write. It won't be easy... because when you have depression, your biggest enemy is yourself. But at least try. If not for you, then for the people outside who love you."

He gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze before quietly stepping out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.