Chapter 4 Silence

POV of Amanda

"Who in the hell did you have sex with, Amanda?" As soon as we get inside, my mother starts screaming at me. After the instant hush that followed the doctor telling us the news, Margaret drove us home. Up until we arrived home, there was no sound.

I silently chewed my lower lip. I have a lot of regrets. I'm at a loss for words with my mother. How am I three months pregnant and not even knowing it? I ponder this. I am aware of my mother's profound disappointment in me.

You loose chick, aren't you going to respond to my question?

I'm not loose, mom," I respond angrily. When you don't even know how I became pregnant, why in the world are you calling me a loose girl?

"Now speak. I'm dying from your silence. How are you going to balance your studies and this sh*t? Has this been how I've raised you? Why in the world do you enjoy torturing me?

"Mom......"

Do not call me. You gullible girl, just tell me who the heck injected his seed into you.

I sigh. I'm not even sure what to say to her. How can I explain to my mother that I don't know his name? How do I tell her that the motherfucker is the only person I know by face? I told myself, "I'm fucked up."

My mother suddenly let out a gasp, as though recalling something. We are in the living room, which has a center table, two sofas, and a sofa set. We have been safe for years in this tiny house. It serves as a reminder of my mother's poverty in contrast to my friend Margaret, who has a car.

My mother called out "Amanda" and pointed her index finger in my direction. "I believe Cameron left three months ago."

I shake my head and quickly understand what she is talking about. My mother believes the child to be Cameron's.

"Mom, it's not what you're imagining. Before we split up, Cameron and I had been apart for three months.

Mom sighs with relief and slumps onto the closest sofa. She vehemently despises Cameron and is opposed to our relationship. She was relieved and joyful when we split up.

"Who the hell got you pregnant then?" She speaks softly. Before your breakup, you started dating again, right?"

"No, mom," I say reassuringly.

"So what transpired?"

"Do you remember Marg and I going to a party the night after we broke up?"

"And were you raped?" She presupposes.

"No, mum. We all came to the same conclusion. I did it because I thought Cameron would find out and regret it. I did it out of spite for him and to let him know that other men found me beautiful.

You foolishly had sex with a man, right? She shouts at me to stop.

I keep quiet. And after the goddamn sex, you couldn't even consider thinking about taking some pills? Her tone is trembling.

"Mom?"

Do not call me. Do you realise the situation we are in right now? What kind of care do you want us to give to this effing pregnancy of yours? Inform me.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I say, "I didn't mean for this to happen," sobbing in private.

My mom takes a long breath and leans back on the sofa. She is considering a way out.

"Who the goddamned is this man?" Finally, she asks.

I can't say anything right now. This is yet another issue. I anticipate this outcome. "Amanda, I asked you a question, didn't I?" she says. How can I respond that I don't know the man who caused my pregnancy?

I do...do... don't... don't, Mom.

Will you speak? Rushing to her side, she

I don't know who he is. I sputter.

"What?"

I keep shaking her head. "Yes, mom." "I don't know his name or where he lives; I only know how he looks."

"What?" Mom says it once more.

****

Mom hits me hard in the cheeks, and I immediately run to my room. Tears start to run down my face as I walk into my room. I sprawled on my bed, letting them fall where they would.

I am death. How am I going to handle school? Will my coworkers start making fun of me? How will Cameron feel once he finds out? These are the things that are causing me to cry more.

The slap from my mother only serves as a pretext for the tears that have been threatening to well up ever since the doctor informed us of the situation.

I consider all potential avenues for running into the man once more. I hardly recognize him and close my eyes to allow the image of him to stay in my mind.

Mom is a waitress who works in a restaurant. I'm not sure how we'll make ends meet on the meager salary she receives.

So, should I stop going to school? I ponder this.

My sobbing won't let up. I have nothing with which to console myself. Right now, I feel embarrassed about myself. I sob nonstop for a long time before I eventually fall asleep on the bed in my dress.

I'm roused from my sound sleep by the knock on my door.

"Amanda, I apologize. Open the door, please. From outside, mom apologizes.

I'm still lying on the bed and hearing her. I still feel upset by what she did, yet I want to go and open the door for her to come in. I am aware of my error, so I don't want her to compliment my careless actions. She owed it to me, at the very least, to support me. I'm having a hard time right now.

Please fling open the door, Amanda. I apologize. I was only upset with you because

I scream, "Just leave, mom."

Amanda, would you kindly listen to me?

"Go!"

After a few minutes, I hear the sound of her feet going away but no longer hear her voice. My phone rings as I'm ready to turn over and go back to sleep. Tony is here. I am aware that tonight is our designated night out.

Tony, I'm so sorry, I have to cancel tonight. I apologize right away.

"What? Please, Amanda. Already, my buddies are calling. You are coming with me, I told them.

"I know Tony, but I can't because of something. I mumble, "I'm sorry.

"Shit! Amanda, you need to have called me earlier to let me know. Why must you wait until I call? He yells.

The Tony I know is a kind person, but the one speaking at this moment comes across as ungrateful and irritates me.

"Do you even remember what occurred? I passed out shortly after we left, and I was taken to the hospital. I had no idea you were so self-centered.

I'm upset with him. Furious with everyone.

"Amanda......"

I shout, "Shut the fuck up and get off my phone," and hang up infuriated.

****