Chapter 4 04. The life I left behind

The next few days passed quickly and although I felt like I had a lot to do, I just couldn't get enough done. Brindha felt my anguish and tried to keep everything as normal as possible. I pretended to cooperate, and she pretended to believe in my perfect cooperation.

It had been almost three months since I broke up with Lucas, but I still hadn't gotten over it. Not because of what I felt for him, but because I felt that the way we broke up wouldn't allow him to move on as he should.

I waited for him after college, but I didn't have the courage to speak to him. So I went to the orphanage where we volunteered. As I had already said goodbye to the children the week before, I didn't want to go in, knowing they would be excited to say goodbye again. I waited until the time he left, yes, I was out all day chasing the boy I had dumped almost three months ago. How stupid was I?

"Lucas!" I called as soon as I saw him leave through the main gate. When he looked at me, it was so painful that I had to look away. "Can we talk? I'll give you a ride," I said. He stopped for a moment and got into the car without saying a word.

He looked even more handsome. The silky smooth black skin, the imposing height, the beautiful dark caramel eyes. He wasn't just a boy beautiful on the outside; he had been doing volunteer work since he was twelve, picking up stray animals, taking them to the vet, finding them a home. He was that boy who would stop the car to help someone cross the street, the rich kid who, despite all the privileges he had, decided to study medicine to work in poor communities. He was perfect, and I wanted him to find a perfect girl with the same ambitions as him, a perfect human girl, definitely not someone like me.

We got close to the entrance of his house, and I still hadn't gathered enough courage to start the conversation, even though I had spent a whole day in the car rehearsing this moment.

"Are you leaving?" he asked as soon as I stopped the car. That was good; the worst part is always starting the conversation.

"Yes, next week," I sighed.

"Where?"

"Far away, I'm going to live with my mother."

"Why? I thought you liked living here."

"I like it, but unfortunately, this was decided for me a long time ago. I don't have much decision-making power on the subject."

"You're an adult, why..."

"Because even as an adult, not everything revolves around my wishes. Some things are simply beyond our hands," I said, remembering what my mother used to say, that every privilege comes with a waiver. I lived my privileges, and now I had to take responsibility for them.

"That sounds like you're going to the slaughterhouse the way you're talking," he said with a smile.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude."

"Why did you come?" he asked with a serious face again.

"I wasn't happy with how things ended. I needed to see you," I said.

"I mulled over our breakup for many days, trying to understand what I did wrong."

"I can imagine. I'm sorry about that. I... I just came to make this clear: it wasn't your fault. I didn't stop liking you, but long distance doesn't work, especially when I know I'm not coming back."

"Why?"

"Lucas..."

"I know, but I can't help it. My brain is tormenting me with this question, trying to find a way for us to be together. I liked you the moment I saw you. You changed schools, you were in the first year and I was in the second. You were too pretty to be real, and you seemed unreachable. So I went about my life thinking I would never have a chance, until five years later... Why did it take so long?" He asks, looking at me again. Like the coward that I was, I look away again.

"What you don't know is that I liked you too," I say, looking out of the car as I remember that day. "Five years ago, I lacked the courage too. After all, you were the best student in the class, the best football player, and an outstanding student in the math championship. You were too perfect to be true, so I was content to watch you from afar. Until I realized that if I didn't take this chance, I would never know what it's like to be with you. I could live with a breakup or a rejection, but I couldn't do it without trying."

I feel bad about it; it wasn't all true, what I felt when I met him, what I felt for the last five years, yes, it was true, but I only got closer now because I thought that the short time we would be together would make the ending easier. That was my mistake; it's never easy.

"Are you saying we wasted five years because no one had the courage to confess what they felt for each other?" he asks.

"I'm saying this so you don't wait five years to go after the next girl you like. If you receive a 'no,' your life goes on. If you receive a 'yes,' life goes on the same way."

"Not in the same way," he protests.

"But it will follow anyway. It's better knowing what might or might not happen," I pause. "I'm sorry about the abrupt breakup. I really liked you. This time we spent together was very happy. I hope you find a girl who helps stray dogs and cats and orphaned children, and that you can be happy together. But take your time; you're too young to tie yourself down with someone forever."

"Can I take that as jealousy?" He laughs, and I laugh too.

"Hey! Don't judge me for it! I want you to find the perfect girl and be happy. I just don't want to be here to see it happen."

"Thanks, Velitha! I will really miss you." He kisses me lightly on the lips and gets out of the car. At the same time that I feel lighter, I feel sad thinking about the life I can't have.