Chapter 5 TLATO

I live in a small gated estate in Rampart Village California.

My house is one of the 24 three bedroom, stand-alone, garden houses in the whole estate and it is situated at the very end of the double lane, cul-de-sac street called Katty lane.

Having lived here for three years, I have discovered that Katty is the name of the Landlady while Louvre is the name of the husband and also the name of the second lane. I don't need to tell you they are French and this estate is their retirement home.

Well that's what Madam Bukky at the only mall just before the main gate told me.

24 garden houses, two double lane streets. Each street has 12 houses. Six houses on each side of the lane, facing each other across the street.

The estate has a mini golf court that I find ridiculous and a waste of good land, a tennis court I appreciate but will never step in, a swimming pool within a small community park... like what is the park for since each house has its own swimming pool, gym and garden?

I have been living here for three years and I have never seen a single child or nanny with a child. Everyone in this estate is either working in Hollywood or they are retired politicians. I am sure I am the youngest house owner and the only one who actually lives here amongst the buyers.

Apart from the mall upfront, there is also a kitchen where if you don't want to cook, you can call in to place an order and have it delivered to your home. An office building housing the estate agents, maintenance and the office of a microfinance bank which I heard belongs to the landlord's son.

Guess who told me?

Madame Bukky.

My three bedroom house has a garage that can take two cars while I personally have four cars and a Suzuki power bike. I have an Audi, A Benz jeep, a Porsche and a BMW. All luxurious, high-ended models. Things I hardly use but Somchai keeps getting. Don't even start talking about the jewelry and accessories. It's like he forgets that I am a man and doesn't need much.

It's not that I don't like cars, but I prefer walking short distances, I live in an estate that has its own mall and whatever I can't get there, I can pick up on my way from school or ask Augusta to help me get and send them over.

Then there is the Nigerian cleaner Madam Bukky helped me get; Rukaya. She comes in every weekend to clean and restock my fridge and pantry. Since I hardly go anywhere these days, these mobiles are useless to me.

The BMW is my favorite ride while the Porsche is the newest addition. It wasn't even bought to honor any occasion, he just bought it cause he felt like buying something for me.

Who does that?

When he brought it home I didn't know how to react. To please him, I drove it for the whole week since he was around and would have stopped using it the moment he left but Augusta wouldn't stop gushing over it so I handed it over to her since she agreed to always bring me back home in it from school everyday.

Such a cool deal. Got me a competent driver without stressing.

To create space for Somchai's ride for when he is around, which is every two weeks, I had to permanently rent a spot at the parking lot in the commercial area of the estate where I parked my Jeep.

That Jeep has an awkward story too which is why I don't drive it at all. I don't consider it as mine.

It was ordered for Somchai's wife and was to be shipped to Thailand sometime back but all of a sudden, Somchai brought it over to my place and said his wife doesn't want it anymore so he is giving it to me.

What?! Can't he just sell it or return it? There is no way I am using something meant for the wife.

No way!

The BMW which I use once in a while and the Audi stays in the garage while the Suzuki bike has become part of my interior decor since there is no room for it in the garage. It is the central piece of the glass patio facing my 5 feet-deep, standard-length swimming pool built right in the middle of the flower garden at the back of the house.

Somchai is a man always on the move. Just like I, he is from Thailand, his family business is in Thailand, his wife and kids are here in the US. Alabama precisely, but he is always shuffling between Thailand, US and the UK.

Because he travels a lot, he has a team that goes everywhere with him. This team includes a pilot for his private jet, two bodyguards, an assistant and a driver. He has an apartment in K-Town where they all hole-up.

So by the time we got out of the house, the driver was already waiting in Somchai's LA official car. He opens the door and we get in the back after exchanging greetings.

In less than 2 mins, we are at the mall and the driver is parking.

" Why are we stopping?" I ask.

"We might be out till midnight so it's better to grab the condoms now."

"Oh!"

I have forgotten about that.

" I doubt they will have what I want though. I don't think folks in this estate have sex." I chuckle cause I remember something Augusta had said about my neighbours.

That 'gurl' can be dang nasty! So nasty!

I open my door and get out of the car to the shrieks of Madam Bukky.

Oh this woman! She is a case. I don't do fuzzy and I don't roll with fuzzy people but Madam Bukky stomped into my life, raised a storm that left me all crazy and confused.

"Was just about to knock down your door tomorrow morning." She says to me in her heavily accented english just as I get to the mall's automatic sliding glass door.

"Why is that?"

" I have not seen you for days now so I start wondering if you are dead or you are now menstruating. Are you on your period?" She asks with a brazen face.

The audacity of this woman.

I am still trying to come up with a comeback when she looks up and sees Somchai. Her face brightens and she hurries to him with an animated, wide smile.

"Oh. No wonder, your husband is around. You are under house arrest." She quakes.

I roll my eyes and walk into the mall as I hear her chuckle. I can see her in my mind's eyes as she opens her motherly arms and squeezes Somchai in a bear hug.

"Mr. Ford, long time, no see. How are you? Hope that brat took good care of you?" I hear her voice float to my ears just as the doors close.

Honestly with this woman, I can't win so I just hurry to the pharmaceutical aile and grab the first pack of condoms I see.

Even though Somchai doesn't like all her fussing, he lets her fuss over him but I know to hurry and rescue him.

Picking up a pack of bounty and a bottle of spirit, I quickly pay for my purchase and briskly walk to the car where Madam Bukky and Somchai are busy talking about BL.

Yeah you heard me right. BL.

Madam Somchai is a Fujoshi and a BL addict. Since I made the mistake of telling her that Somchai invests in BL films, he became her recommendation channel. Somchai, who can't even watch any type of movie for five minutes without sleeping off, begged me to help him compile a list of good BLs for this overbearing woman to watch. So each time they see each other and she asks for a recommendation, he will just bring up the list on his phone and give her a title.

"Let's go. Sorry Madam Bukky. We need to go now. We are running late." I say as I open my door and hop into the car."

I know for sure that she will pull her nose up and gruffle at me but since I didn't look at her, she will not engage me.

Because the car is bullet-proof, the moment I enter, I become oblivious to whatever they are saying to each other.

Two minutes later, I am forced to beep Somchai who then opens the door and joins me.

" What took so long?"

"She wants to bring food over tomorrow so she is trying to convince me to delay my flight till afternoon."

" Did you say yes?" I ask excitedly.

" No. I told her not to worry."

"What?!"

I quickly jump out of the car and shouts at the Madam as she is about to enter the sliding door.

"Madam Bukky, Mr. Ford wants the soup. Call me whenever it is ready, I will come pick it for him.

"OLE!" She shouts back at me, making me giggle because 'Ole' is a Yoruba word meaning Thief in English.

I get back into the car and we drive out. A similar car waiting at the general parking space beside the mall, immediately follows. It's Somchai's security details. They usually park and wait there when we are going out.

To Augusta:

You wouldn't believe it! Somchai refused Madam bukky's soup. Call her and tell her you want pepper soup. Say you are sick.