Chapter 4 Emotionally Not Invested

(Boston Perspective)

Sighing heavily, I held my head down. "I don't know what happened. I lost my focus. Sorry about that, Ralph." I say, affectionately calling his friend by the nickname he gave me back in college.

"So, is this a personal matter, or does this has to do with our business plan?" Ralph asked, taking a seat on the edge of the conference table.

I wasn't quite sure how to answer that question. It felt like it was a little bit of both right now. But, lately, there seemed to be more to life than just working and being with someone. I knew Brenda didn't love me, or was it the other way around? Either way, I didn't quite know how to let her go emotionally, even though Brenda had physically already left me. It was like they were trying to force something to work that could not move or was stuck in neutral.

Ralph cleared his throat. "Hey, I'm waiting."

"I don't know how to answer that question, Raphael. I feel unfulfilled. I can't put my finger on the cause...I know it's there. The business is fine. It's my personal life that's jacked up. Until a month ago, I could get into Brenda, and everything would be fine. I was excited about being here in Chicago with my independence from my father. He was finally starting to trust my business judgment."

"You're not thinking about going back to New York? Please say your not." Raphael asked with his eyes stretched.

"I don't know. Instead of my move to Chicago being exciting, it's a bust! A big one!" Boston said, hanging his head.

"Look, I thought you told me a few weeks back that you would make that move and ask Brenda to marry you? What happened there?"

"That's a good question. I was all set to propose. I bought the ring and everything. I'd planned a romantic evening at a nice restaurant in Chicago, and when I asked her to marry me, I couldn't do it. So again, something that should have been easy to do now seemed difficult."

"Wow, Boston, this is unbelievable. "Raphael said, shaking his head.

"Brenda says she loves me, and I thought I loved her too. But something is missing! And I don't know what it is. The girl is sexy, pretty, witty, funny, and a great partner. She's great with my family and would be great for our new business in the marketing area."

"Boston, there is no rush; when it's right, you will know it. There will be no hesitation. Just take this time to enjoy being here in Chicago and being single. Like me."

"I don't know, Raphael. Wouldn't that be cheating?"

"No! No way, man! You two are separated right now. Besides, she left you and hasn't returned in all this time. So what does she expect you to do? I'm right. Right?"

I walked over to the window in the conference room and looked out over the city.

"Yes, you're probably right."

"One thing I know, if you're unsure, don't make any moves. Hold tight; The answers will come."

"I talked to her on the phone, and she says she will give me and her more time. But then she came to the apartment and moved more of her things out the other night. So when my mom and dad heard that, they wanted me to beg her to return."

"Buddy, I'm going to tell you like this. It's your life. Not your father's, not your mother or grandparents, but your life."

"You're right."

"Of course, I'm right! I would never steer you wrong."

"Thanks, Raphael, for listening and being a good friend; you give it to me direct, and I like that."

"No problem, wow! It's at 8:30 pm. We better be heading home."

"Good night, Raphael. I'll lock up everything."

I started packing up to head home. I was tired physically. But after talking to Raphael, I felt I had some clarity about Brenda and me. What we have going on is a senseless situation.

I realized we were only together because of what our parents wanted. Not because we loved one another. After a year of being together, we cared deeply about one another, but there was never really any flaming love or passion for one another.

While driving home, I thought about it and wanted my life at 29 years of age to be more meaningful. Being in a stalemate relationship and pretending to be happy was tiring.

I wanted someone that I could look into their eyes and instantly get ignited by unique features. Eyes that could steal my soul and fill me with passion and compassion. I wanted to feel that rush and high you get when you're madly in love! I could lay in bed with someone after having great sex, talk until we fall asleep in each other's arms, and then wake up and go for it again.

I wanted to be turned up and on! I shook my head. I had been thinking so hard about my life. I must have created all of this in my mind. I was being affected sexually. Brenda is leaving me, leaving Boston emotionally, physically, and sexually deprived. Anytime mere thoughts and words woke me up. I got on the bone. I shook my head again, trying to clear my mind of the mystery woman I wanted in my brain and those crazy feelings I'd just had.

"There is no way I can meet a woman like that. I'm losing it."

I parked my car, got out, and went inside my apartment building. When the elevator door opened, I noticed the light bulbs were still blown out. I also hear people talking very loudly.

"Oh, this here is unacceptable, having to come home to a barely lit hallway," I said, counting the blown-out bulbs. I then heard the voices that only grew louder and more apparent. Then, finally, when I turned the corridor and saw something, I had never expected to see in a million years!!