Chapter 4 Androphobia

[Trigger Warning: This chapter contains sexual assault, post-traumatic flashback and mental health disorder. Please read with caution]

What is androphobia?

Androphobia is a phobia or fear of men. Similar to the other phobias, symptoms of androphobia may include an instant, intense fear, anxiousness or panic when you see or think about men. The anxiety worsens as a man gets physically closer to you. An active avoidance of men or situations where you might encounter men can also indicate that you have a fear of men. The reactions to your fears can manifest physically, such as sweating, a rapid heartbeat, chest tightness, or trouble in breathing. Nausea, dizziness, or fainting when in close contact with men may also occur.

The exact cause of androphobia is not yet well understood by the current studies around the globe in my previous life.

Some experts say that some experts say that the possible causes include a past negative experiences with men; it can also be genetic or even through learned behavior from people around you.

In my case, my phobia started long time ago in my previous life when I was just 5 years old.

My aunt and my uncle, my father's sister and brother-in-law, were looking after me during a rainy day in autumn while my parents are working. My father is a mechanical engineer while my mother is an elementary teacher.

My aunt left me with my uncle to buy some groceries before my parents arrive while my uncle took me to bath without my aunt knowing.

I still don't know at that moment what it means to be sexually assaulted. I also don't understand the weird things he was doing at that very moment when we were alone in the bathroom.

A few days after, my parents thought I was already asleep since they put me to sleep early because my aunt told them I wasn't able to take my afternoon nap. I snuck out of the room and went to the comfort room to pee.

I accidentally wet my pajamas while using the bidet after peeing because my hands were too small. I went downstairs to look for my mom to ask her for help in looking for a new set of pajamas when I saw both of my parents in the living room cuddling while watching a romantic film not suitable for kids like me.

I was shocked while watching from the stairs. The man in the film was vigorously touching the woman all over her naked body while kissing her intensely. His hand suddenly crawled down to the woman's private part causing her to exhilarate and moan weirdly.

I felt like my confusion and fear grew strong sweeping me off my feet as I remembered the things that my uncle did a few days ago. I finally understood what he was doing, though I still don't understand why he did it.

I remembered I was in pain at that time as he roughly touched my flower while pinching and playing the upper part using his big and thick fingers.

My whole body trembling due to an unknown sensation and the pain.

I was frightened so I tried to struggle, but unable to voice out my discomfort.

He suddenly tried to insert his ring finger in as I screamed in pain begging to stop. "It hurts uncle please stop!", while bursting into tears.

He suddenly stopped upon hearing the wind chime of the main door pretending nothing had happened while whispering. "What are doing? I was just cleaning you up thoroughly." While throwing a threatening look at me as he slowly poured water on my head.

I broke into a cold sweat, my head was numb, my whole body was trembling, my heart started to beat fast, I'm getting nauseous and my sight is getting darker and darker as I fell halfway through the stairs.

My parents were stunned upon hearing a loud thud.

My head was bleeding from the impact and my whole body turned numb. I was slowly swallowed away by the darkness while looking at the frightened and worried faces of my parents as they ran to me in a hurry.

I was unconscious for 1 week in the hospital. Luckily, I didn't suffer from any blood clot in the brain.

The day when I woke up from the coma, I already showed signs of androphobia.

A male nurse was about to check my vitals, but my heart started to become restless as he approached me. When he reached for my hand, trying to check if the needle of the drip is still properly inserted, I started to scream and cry pulling my hand moving away from the man. The needle accidentally got pulled out and the man tried to calm me down.

My mother was shocked, but she tried to calm me down as I tremble and clung to her arms screaming in fright.

A female nurse approached us due to the commotion, then the confused male nurse explained what happened.

I was then referred to a psychiatrist after they informed of the situation to my attending physician where I was diagnosed with androphobia.

Since then I started having an excessive fear of men that my parents thought was due to when I saw them watching the explicit part of the movie.

I never told my parents about my uncle's sexual assault due to fear of being accused of lying, but since then, no men can ever come near me including my father.

I only disclosed the issue to my private psychiatrist later on when I was already able to go to the hospital alone. I plead with her not to inform my parents as I was so afraid of even seeing the man.

I have diligently undergone various therapies and medications just to lessen my burden since it affects my life tremendously.

The treatment was somewhat effective as I was excited to try holding my father's hand for the first time without knowing that the first day I could ever touch his hand will also be the last.

A huge turn of events happened when I was 14 years old. My father accompanied me to the therapy and the doctor asked me to try holding my father's hand slowly. I followed the doctor's instructions and succeeded for the first time. My father was so happy that he cried so much while thanking God and the doctor. I also cried in happiness while caressing his hand.

After he brought me back home and announced the good news to my mom, he received a call from the office asking him to visit the office due to an emergency issue on a huge industrial machine they are currently maintaining. He hurriedly went to the office with a sorrowful look since he was granted a 1 day vacation leave.

Later that day, before dinner time, my mom's phone started to ring. She hurriedly answered while putting it on speaker mode so she can still continue cooking while speaking, but it is a news about my father's death in an accident occurred in their work.

A fire broke out all of the sudden, so my father used a fire extinguisher hoping to put out the fire, but the fire extinguisher on his hand exploded, causing his death on the spot and injuring 10 more employees near him.

My mother was shocked and dropped her phone before fainting. I panicked as I contacted the emergency hotline for help while bursting into tears.