Chapter 5 Mr. Drunk

JAKE-

I was so confused, thinking if I should talk to him or not. My eyes were looking for him yet not decided if I should go near him. At last I saw him, he was trying to hide from me. I tried to go meet him, but didn't have the guts to. I was too scared to talk. I was not even able to justify what I was feeling, how am I am going to express myself in front of him. He would be so scared of me, and probably hates me now. How can I do this to someone, and how can I feel guilty about it? I'm Jake I don't regret? How can I think of kissing someone on the lips?

I was going crazy thinking about everything then soon I realized he's running with someone else. He's is holding some guy's hand and was going somewhere with him? Can he do that? How can he? Anger built inside of me. I clenched my fists in anger, I started walking towards him in anger and frustration. No one can't touch him. You don't have the right to touch my Andrew. My Andrew? Are you sure? What has changed? How is he yours? I started talking to myself until I realized they already left. I started running after them, but was soon stopped by some girl.

"So you're the new guy?" A girl, quite okay! But not my type? Wait do I have a type? I never judged anyone, I fucked whosoever I find was interested in me. Why am I not having the sensations now?

"Move!" I said. Looking in the direction, Andrew went with that guy.

"You've got some temper." she said while touching my collar with her filthy hands.

"Yeah? Wanna test it?" I said in an angry tone.

"Oops. Sorry, but found you eye catching, so thought--" she said in disappointment.

"Keep your shit and thoughts with you, don't block my way." I said with zero percent interest in her. I slightly pushed her aside and went ahead.

I went to the parking lot, saw no one there. They already left. I was feeling so irritated that I wanted to beat the shit out of someone.

I still tried to look for him, ignoring my thoughts about what I am doing here. Is this love like Beck said? Or it's just some kind of guilt for what I did to him? Seeing Beck say have you fallen for someone, took me in great shock. I was so confused and couldn't figure my feelings out. She tried to talk to me that day, but I pushed her away from me and went inside my room. She shouted,

"Just accept it, maybe you've finally found someone, or else you won't be like this. Maybe you've fallen in love, and you're starting to change for good."

I ignored her, but her words kept thunder alive in my head. I decided that I am not going to feel anything for him. And I would never look at him. But the moment I saw him, my heart melted, and I saw myself running after him.

But he was gone, with that guy. I really hated the feeling, but couldn't do anything about it.

I went home quietly, sat on my bed couldn't control the rush of feelings like guilt, anger, frustration in me. I thought I would never care for someone, but this was something else. That I've never experienced before.

I was not like this. Every moment passing, my situation started to get worse. I took my wallet, and my car keys heading towards the bar. I needed something, that could ease my pain. I drank one glass of alcohol, then another, didn't feel a thing. I kept the pace and drank almost a bottle. The bartender asked if I was okay, but I was too wasted to reply. This was not enough. I needed more. I want to divert my mind from him and those guilty or love whatever feelings. I drank another glass, my head started spinning. I was out of my senses but kept drinking, and suddenly a hand stopped me.

"Hey hey, I guess that's enough for today!" A boy, shiny eyes, somewhat smiling. Looking at me in shock.

"Get lost." I said drinking another sip.

"Bummer. Stop it, having a bad day doesn't mean you have to waste yourself like this dude."

"No you bummer, you dumb. Just go away. I don't want people chasing me. I want him to look for me." I spoke.

"Oh! Okay! You're having serious relationship issues." He said.

"Relationship?............issues? Crazy man? I.... Jake.... relationship? Huh... shut up." I said not believing the fact that I can ever commit to someone truly.

"Yes, you. Drinking. Like an idiot. Stop its enough."

"And you're what? My mother?"

"No! Just someone who's interested in you."

"Interested in someone who's drinking like it's his last day on the earth? Weird taste."

"Well, you look cute and that too..."

"Cute?......" I looked at him in awe. Is he calling me cute? No wait, is he blind?

He slowly came towards me, leaning on trying to steal a kiss. I turned my head to the left and his lips landed on cheeks.

He smirked, I cupped his face in my hand, gave him a look for 2 seconds and started kissing him on the neck. His hands where exploring my back and shoulders. While doing so he tried to kiss me on my lips and I moved, coming back to reality.

"No! I can't be doing this. I need to go." I said looking down here and there, avoiding eye contact.

"What? Why?" He tried to come closer and stood up moving few steps back, but couldn't walk properly because alcohol had taken over me.

"No! Just no. I-- uh. I want to go." I said moving backwards and struggling to do so. He gave me a confused look. I didn't look for my car and took a taxi and found myself at his door.

I heard shouting and people crying inside. But didn't want to barge in and that too drunk. I sat on the stairs. I heard footsteps and stood up hiding near the fence. It was his mom I guess. She was going somewhere, but I didn't dig into the details. I still waited for sometime. Looking here and there and fell asleep.

While sleeping I lost my balance and hit my head slightly on the wall beside me. I woke up, and saw the time. I was sober but not completely, still wasted but could walk a little bit. I didn't knew what to do next. So I climbed upwards, using whatever strength I had. I was moving from a window to another, searching for him. And then I saw him entering inside his room.

I was confused whether to go meet him or not. But I would never have this chance again. Because if I'm not drunk I could never talk to him. I knocked on his window, like a gentleman clearly showing my etiquette. He turned around and his mouth was open wide as fuck.

"Can I come in?" I said trying my best to look normal.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He was shocked seeing me here I guess. But didn't push me. Thank God.

"Uh! I---- actually... u know..."

"God u smell like Alcohol. Eww"

"Yeah, I drank a little bit. But not that much. So don't ewww me."

"Gross, you smell like 12 bottles of alcohol."

"Uh! Entry?"

"No go away."

"I wanna talk."

"I don't. Get lost Jake".

"Listen, I really need to---" I lost my balance and was about to fall when he held my hand and pulled me inside. He has a pure heart.

"Sit over there." He pointed out towards a chair in the corner, very far from his bed. I nodded.

"Say whatever shit you want to and get the hell out of my house." he said and crossed his arms and turned his back towards me.

"I want to.........." I wasn't able to find words. And avoid looking him in the eyes because of embarrassment.

"Yeah? What? Cat got your tongue? Still sitting quite? You have your way with people right? Doing whatever you feel like with them. Get out if you have nothing to say." he said and pointed out his finger towards the door.

"I want to say I'm sorry." I stood up, slowly walking towards him. The distance between us reduced.

"Talk from there. Don't come near me." he wasn't even letting me come near and I got know how much I fucked up.

"I'm sorry Andrew." I spoke.

"Don't you fucking say sorry to me. You haven't broken my pencil, it's not something you should be sorry about. Just go and die somewhere else." He was very cold towards me and I expected it.

"Just listen to me. Then I'll leave and you'll never have to see me again." He was confused but tried to hide his reaction.

"I'm all ears." he said and seemed least interested into what I was about to say.

"That day, when I did... that.... I-" I somehow managed to muster up the courage and he interrupted.

"Don't call it that. Just fucking say it, that you tried to rape me." He screamed and then suddenly went silent maybe trying not to wake others.

"I'm sorry Andrew. I was out of my senses. I couldn't think straight. I don't know what's happening to me. I never felt anything towards anyone but for you I'm having this tornado of feelings that I can't explain. I am dying from guilt, the frustration when I saw you leave with that guy, the disgust I saw in your eyes for me. All this is killing me. I gave into my demons. Didn't think before doing horrible things. I'm so sorry. I don't know what am I doing here at this time. But I can't help it. I fucking can't help it. And I'm not at my best to explain what's going on." I was broken on the inside and wanted to end his hatred towards me and blurted my heart out.

I started moving towards him slowly, but this time he didn't stop me. He and I were one or two steps apart. Tears rolled down my eyes. I was crying. One thing I never did for someone was happening for him. I couldn't imagine myself so weak and pathetic begging for his mercy.

I was crying and took one more step towards him. I tried to hug him, but he pushed me back, I held him in my hands, he was resisting but soon stopped. I gripped my hands on his shoulders, he was just standing but also not pushing me back. I cried for some time.

"I'm so sorry Andrew. I have so much to say but sorry will be the first and last word of every sentence. I know forgiving me is hard. Maybe impossible for you, but please don't look at me with disgust. I.. I won't touch you or look at you if you want that. But just don't hate me." I cried.

I loosened my grip and started moving back slowly, applying what I had just said of not touching him. I wiped my tears, and started going out of his room.

I thought this is the end. And maybe the right thing to do. I was vulnerable near him. I didn't have control on my feelings. I hurt him in the worst way possible. I haven't even known him for that long, but I still cared enough to let him go as I was wrong and bad for him. I did horrible things to him, and still there he is not even cursing me, beating me or doing anything. Some part of me really hated it, because I wanted him to beat the shit out of me. But he didn't give me that much importance that he could release his anger on, or show his vulnerable side to me. I was no one, and I realized it quite early and decided to never see him again. I was still drunk a little bit as I wasn't able to walk in a straight line.

"Jake!" He said. I turned immediately, looking on the floor avoiding his eyes.

"I assure you, you'll never have to see me again." I said in a breaking voice.

"I'm not sure I could talk to you or look at you, or whatever but you can stay the night here. It's too late for you to go out and that too drunk." He said. Is he concerned about me?

"No, it's okay!" I turned back on leaving his room.

"Of course it would be okay for you, to die on the road, but I don't want to blame myself for letting you go out with this state of yours. So just stay, leave as soon as you are completely sober." He said and I was hesitant to stay.

"Uh! No I can go without dying, and if I die you don't have to blame yourself for that. I take responsibility for my actions. That would probably be the best thing for me, because my life is hell already. Good night Andrew." I smiled in pain, my heart was aching, I didn't want to leave, but I can't stay. I tried to give him, 'I'm fine on my own' look. Looking all okay outside, but dying inside. I wanted to hug him for last time, but was not able to decide if I should go for it or not. I turned back again, trying to leave.

"Fuck it." I came back towards him, and hugged him really tightly, he was shocked for obvious reasons. But soon I felt his hands on my back. I hugged him more tightly and never wanted to let go. My eyes were closed, probably his too we were standing there saying nothing, I took a long breath inhaling his scent for the last time. It felt so pure and soothing. But I had to leave him for good. I had to go, so we broke apart. I pushed him slightly. Now the final turn I took to go outside his room.

I tried to walk fast in order to hide my tears because I was vulnerable enough already, and didn't want him to see me as a crying bitch. I left his room wiping my tears looking down, forgot I had to take a turn, and hit my head right into the wall. I collapsed immediately. Man, that was embarrassing.

I don't know what happened next, where I was. I woke up when the sunlight hit me. And saw Andrew standing near me. I tried to open my eyes, which took some time to adjust to the lightening. He was there......... laughing at me? Oh God. I moved my eyes away from him. Uh shit like this happens to me only.

"Morning, Mr. Drunk. You are the most funniest drunk I've ever seen." He said, clearly making fun of me.