Chapter 5 Fifth Chapter

Chapter 5

I woke up and I saw my mom beside me.

Alot of equipments were put in place to save my life.

Where is James, is he really dead? I asked my mom with tears rolling down from my eyes

"Honey" She screamed!

" Your alive ! Nurse nurse nurse ! Is anyone there"

I then felt very confused because the last time I remember I fainted in the parlour when I saw through the television that James was dead.

"Mom" I cried and then I screamed because I felt a sharp pain around my chest

After the situation was calmed by the nurses and doctors i realised that I had been in coma for 2 months since the time I fell down in my bathroom.

I had overdosed alot which triggered the hallucinations that morning.

I fell down and sustained some head injuries which lead to the coma

James was not real.

I was never in love.

There's was no Parkville high.

It was all in my head. I was traumatized for four days when I realised all these.

Every night I would have night mares and scream and the nurses and doctors would try to help me.

At times I made various attempts to run away from the hospital but in one way or the other it was prevented.

My leg was tied to my bed stand so i wouldn't leave.

Mental health therapists, doctors, nurses, preachers often visited me in the hospital

My father and my step mom visited too.

Everything felt so sad and depressing.

I thought about everything I thought was real was fake.

I thought about how I couldn't numb the pain.

Unfortunate how I could feel the hurt in my chest and stomach each time I think of it.

I was discharged and was taken to rehab.

I cried but no one listened to me.

While at the rehad I was given a book called CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL to read.

I read it slowly till I finished the book, I got interested in reading volume 2.

I requested for it and it was given to me immediately. The book made me understand that there are alot of people who had similar problems with me and I wasn't alone in this world.

I read about a boy who felt invisible and had suicidal thoughts until a classmate of his sent him a letter which prevented him from committing suicide.

I got out and I got better and I decided to finish school which I did.

I met a new guy he wasn't like my James. We went on several dates and we really liked each other.

I wasn't interested at first until he told me the same thing James said while i was in coma.

One cold evening decided to walked me home and that was when I fell in love

"Felicia I really like you alot, if you are cool about it tell me but if your not, still tell me...ill understand" he said.

He was not perfect and I didn't love him that much but he filled up a vacuum in my life that had been there for a long time.

He was lovely, we kissed alot.

We made love sometimes which made feel sexual.

Sometimes i had doubts, sometimes I felt like he wasn't real just like James but I had to let go of the pessimism.

I'm happy now, not because I have someone that is making me happy.

I have found peace in this world; I'm now at peace with my spirit being and ive learned to numb the pain of creating my whole fantasy world while I was in coma years ago.

My schizophrenia didn't stop, I still took drugs to control it.

I still hallucinate daily but way less than I used to.

Sometimes i had severe social anxiety accompanied by paranoia .

I had an issue with my doctors calling it hallucinations which implies that they are not real because I was never convinced that the were hallucinations.

Just because others cannot see the things I see or hear the things I hear doesn't prove anything to me other than others have a different perceptive from mine.

Sometimes i couldnt elaborate where what I sensed came from but to me it didn't mean that it wasn't real, just that I lacked some Knowledge needed for me to grok it.

I believe that there are alot of dimensions in reality and people can only descry what is in this three dimensional world where their focus is and they do not have the ability to perceive anything from different dimensions, where as I do.

Rylee TM