Chapter 7 Seven

After Helena-a nurturing, petite woman-makes me dinner, I return to the bedroom I woke up in to sort through my things. Jeremy took me around the pack for a good few hours and drained all my energy. However, I did get a good feel for the community, and he was right, this pack is very different from my home. I knew the second that he mentioned the training grounds that an escape here would be nearly impossible. David's bloodline must take their defenses seriously; when we visited those training, my stomach dropped. Some of those wolves are killing machines.

They pounced and snapped with such fury that I almost believed they were truly fighting and not merely practicing.

I watched them spar and thought for a moment about David doing such things. If the guards are this deadly, I can't imagine what their Alpha must be like.

Because another escape attempt will be tricky, I'm going to have to utilize all my resources, which means playing the game as I've considered before. Our strange talk in the car did reveal some uncertainty within me, though. It's easy to plan; it's hard to act. I can't forget that. He won't let me.

When he's around, I can't think rationally.

As I transfer my clothes from the suitcases to the closet, I feel him enter the house. My heart starts to beat a little faster as I prepare my mind and body for him to come find me. I haven't seen him since this morning, but that's something I expected. He's an Alpha. Everyone needs him for something, and as a Luna, I'm supposed to understand that. Jeremy gave me a run-down on how Luna's act and react, and as I already know, none of the traits he mentioned sound like me.

A knock comes to the door and I call, "Come in."

I repeat my new mantra in my head; be nice, not defensive. The door pushes open and I take in a deep breath as David appears in the doorway. His brooding eyes immediately find me.

"Hi," I say and stand up from my suitcase open on the floor. "Helena told me to tell you that your dinner is in the fridge. She just left about half an hour ago."

He nods and scans the room. "I thought you would like your own space."

"I figured it was mine since my things were here, and, you know, I woke up here alone."

"You fell asleep in the car. I didn't want to wake you," David explains briefly.

"Right," I breathe, stuck on the image of him carrying me inside and tucking me in. "Well, I met Jeremy. He showed me around."

"I thought you would like someone to help you transition. I would do it myself but-"

"I get it. I grew up with a Beta for a father. It's not new to me. Jeremy will teach me everything just fine, and he's good company. His cheerfulness balances out my gloominess." What happened to being nice? "Anyway, it isn't so bad here," I add on.

David says, "I will be teaching you at least one thing. Like everyone else, you need to learn some self-defense."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Especially in your position. You need to know how to protect yourself."

I shake my head. "I don't do the whole physical fighting thing. I'm better suited for verbal fighting."

"Verbal fighting won't save your life."

As I dramatically look around the room, I ask, "Is someone coming to kill me or something? Can't all those beefy guards protect me?"

David looks at me with a sternness on his face. "I'm not asking. I'm telling you."

"Yeah, I got that part," I mutter and sit on the edge of the bed. "Are you sure this isn't just an excuse to wrestle around with me? You know I don't like to be touched, but maybe if you ask nicely-"

"You're not getting out of this."

"Fine. Add it to my schedule, I guess."

David says, "Speaking of schedules, I assume Jeremy told you about the Alpha that's visiting this weekend?"

"Uh, yeah, he did," I mutter, more interested in playfully bickering than discussing pack business.

"Good. I wanted to give you the option to sit this one out. If you want, you can keep to yourself and not be introduced as Luna yet. I thought you might need more time."

"Oh." I wasn't expecting that. "I-I can do it."

"Are you sure?"

I don't know why, but I can't help but take this as a sort of challenge or test. It's like he knew exactly what would trigger my desire to prove myself, not only as a potential leader but as his mate. He seems to know much more about the bond than I do. I wish I had the finesse he does when it comes to this fated connection between us.

"Yeah. I can do it. I can play the part," I assure him and stand up tall.

David eyes me, looking down with hints of surprise-or is that merely what he wants me to see. "I thought being a Luna was the last thing you wanted?"

It's the game; I have to play it-go along with this. That's why. I don't actually want to. I-I know what I want.

"I'm here, aren't I? It's not like I'm going anywhere-not like I can."

"Right," he says carefully, sternly. "Then I'll have Jeremy bring you up to date tomorrow on everything you'll need to know."

When he turns for the door, I blurt, "Maybe I really am the last girl that should be a Luna, but I'll try. Alright?"

He peers at me from the corner of his eye before walking out of the room. My chest fills with air and just as promptly releases. I face the room with disappointment sneaking up behind me with its cold fingers gripping my shoulders. I could have talked to him for hours-whether it's pack business, the bond, or even my lack of compassion-I could have listened to him speak until the sun rises. I know I shouldn't indulge in such thoughts, but they won't hurt anyone if I keep them to myself-little secrets better left to the late hours as I lay awake in bed.

I scold myself for that last bit I just had to throw in there, and I drop my hands when I notice them wrapping around my body.

There is a bathroom attached to the bedroom. I shower and wash my hair, and, given the moment, I meticulously shave every inch of my legs that have been somewhat abandoned in the commotion. With the door locked and steam clouding the air, I feel alone again. The privacy I lost since David's been around has returned, and I bask in the moment. Before I was alone quite a bit. It wasn't a sad loneliness, though. I enjoyed being on my own-I still do. All in all, that is my goal, isn't it? To be alone, out in the world.

I leave the bedroom like a child woken by a terrible nightmare. My cheeks are salty from dried streams of tears, my eyes are red and wet, and I wander the hallway in search of safety, a parent, a hug, or in this case, any possible form of comfort. The house is asleep. David is likely tucked away in his room, but I attempt quiet footsteps anyway as I travel downstairs.

I traverse the shadows but follow the light once I see it. It's in the kitchen-the moonlight shines through the many windows and pours onto the floor through the glass of the back doors. The kitchen is the only room bright enough to move around in without my arms extended forward. I won't dare to turn on the lights. I feel like David will see it somehow. He'll see that I'm awake and he'll come to put me back in bed.

My eyes study the night through the back doors. There are guards out there, ready to hunt me down and drag me back kicking and screaming. Or maybe I won't get that far. I'm sure David has some alarm in this head that the bond blares whenever I do wrong. Or maybe he feels my heart-the uncertainty; the anxious, heavy beating. I hate it. I hate that I can't keep myself from him in that way. David will always have access to a part of me, and it scares me even more not knowing how big of a part that is.

I won't be able to protect myself if he hurts me. In one way or another, I'm forever exposed and vulnerable. And he's going to hurt me.

"Brigette."

I don't need to look back. My eyes remain on the window. It's the alarm-does it sound for wrong thoughts as well as actions?

"Yes?" I answer, hushed. The house is tranquil with silence, and to speak too loudly would disrupt everything asleep-disarmed-inside.

"Are you alright?" He asks. He's been asleep; I can hear the deep, tiredness in his rough voice. The alarm woke him. How inconsiderate of me to think such things in the middle of the night when the Alpha needs to rest.

"Yeah. Just thirsty. I came for water."

The sounds of shuffling and cabinets and finally glass touching the stone countertops tells me what's he's doing. I peer over my shoulder-hoping the shade of night hides my fleeting distress-to see his fingers around a tall glass. He slides it kindly in my direction. I feel like a deer in the forest, and David is careful, steady. He lures me over, and I trust him stupidly. I fill the glass and take a sip as his eyes watch me. He would have had the perfect moment to strike as my chin is lifted and my neck is stretched open, but he doesn't.

"Have you slept at all?"

Should I tell him why I'm awake? Should I explain the glassiness of my eyes or the uneven breathes pushing out of me?

I set the glass down and avoid making eye contact. "A little. On and off," I reply. "I know, that's probably not good considering my first self-defense lesson is tomorrow. Looks like it will be an easy win for you. I don't know h-how much of a fight I'll be able to put up."

David studies me. I didn't think I gave much away on my face, but he is making me reconsider my tactics. "Don't worry about it. If you need to sleep in-have the day tomorrow. It can be difficult to adjust."

My chest fills with air as we look at each other.

Maybe if we were in a different setting, my responses would be different-my actions as well. I imagine us under the stars or in his bedroom. What would I say to him in such places? Would I sprint for the hills outside? Would I do whatever he asks in the bedroom? I thank myself for fleeing to the kitchen, then.

"It's because of you," I mutter carelessly. "It's not the move that's keeping me up-it's the bond."

I remember when he offered his own bed to me, with him remaining in it, of course. Every night I lay in my bed and play with the idea of being so close to him. It's ridiculous and dangerous of me, but we all indulge in private. I don't know why I would say such a thing now, however. Or-well-the weakest part of me may just yearn to hear the offer again. I know I can't accept, but something about hearing those words leave his lips is as reassuring as things come.

David continues to look at me, and I can't help but glance off. I'm sure my face is kissed with blush. My neck grows hot as my own thoughts consume and devour me. He doesn't have to do or say anything to fluster me; I am far too capable on my own.

"What are you looking for, Brigette? An apology?"

He questions me with a lack of hurt. Instead, I detect curiosity. "No. I'm just complaining, I guess, because I know how all of this works. I may be difficult or in denial, but I'm not completely naive about this. It's not entirely because of you. I do it to myself because I won't give in. I lay in bed awake and restless because I'm too busy thinking about you and trying not to. And... I know you think about me too, even if you don't want to. We might as well be honest."

His gaze falters for a moment. He glances to the ground, to the side before returning his dark orbs to me.

"You don't have to live like this, but you won't let me help you," he says.

"Because I know what it means for you to help me. I-I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. There's nothing you can do-"

"Nothing you would let me," he mutters and leans against the counter. "You know, while I was traveling, looking for you, I had the master bedroom redone. Helena picked colors for me. I wanted the room to be renewed."

I whisper, "For your mate."

David's grip on the counter tightens. "You are my mate, Brigette. Nothing you try to convince yourself of will change that."

"I can't-"

"Don't," he interrupts. "Don't say that you can't be. You are choosing to defy the bond. You are choosing to torture yourself."

The frustration in his voice brings the tears back to my eyes. They sit and gather and threaten to fall, but I fight to keep my face still. After nights of terrible sleep, I don't have the energy to give a snarky remark or play the game, as I call it. My mind is torn into so many pieces, so many plans that I can't remember which version of myself I am supposed to be. Game master. Perfect Luna. Prisoner ready to escape. Girl desperate for love, or girl terrified of love.