Chapter 5 05

I can't believe Yen will have the heart to bring this up. It's a subject I never want to talk to. It hurts me and my pride as a man.

"Yen, I'm sorry. Please leave that part to me," I say, a frown spreading on my face.

"Zed, please don't misunderstand. I'm just curious. Well, I want to know if you're healed already."

"We can try it out and see," I suggest but laugh afterward. "Sorry, just kidding."

She also laughs; the richness of her laughter soothes my aching heart.

"Honestly, Zed, I really wish you have overcome that part. It has made me guilty until now. After all, I am the reason why you have become like that."

"Don't. Don't worry about me."

"Have you continued your therapy?"

Yen knows I had sessions with the same psychologist who had managed her before. The same psychologist who helped her restore her memories and the psychologist who helped me overcome the emotional trauma of my sexual pathology. And according to her, the causative factor of that disorder was my guilt from witnessing her rape incident and hiding the pieces of evidence. But I had my reasons – I wanted to spare her from shame and exposure.

"No."

"Zed, unless I know you're healed, can I rest my mind from this guilt. Just please be honest with me and answer my question. It's important to me."

"Forget about it. You have nothing to be guilty of."

"Zed, for the sake of our past, of me being your ex-wife, can you please set me free and answer my question?"

Honestly, I don't know the answer to that. I have never slept with a woman after her. But perhaps because I'm still a man, and she's talking about sex, not to mention she's the only woman I had made love to, my manhood springs to life beneath my jeans.

"I don't know, honestly," I finally confess since I can't bear it in my mind that I'm making her guilty.

Her mouth hangs open for a while, but she manages to shut it quickly, hiding the sense of self-pity inside.

"I'm sorry."

I suddenly rise from my seat. I can't go on with this talk anymore. My longing for her overflows, though I know, she can never be mine again. I have accepted that, but we need to stop talking about this.

"Yen, I'm sorry, but Ella is waiting for me."

"Ah, yes. Sorry. I'll go now," she says, then give me a quick stare. I feel she wants to say something but doesn't get the courage to say it.

"What is it, dear?"

Her eyes widen, but she hurriedly looks away. And I realize it's because I address her with the endearment I used to call her.

"Hmm, thanks for talking to me. I thought you would hate me forever."

"Never." I love you always and forever.

She smiles and throws her arms around me again. "Bye, Zed. I guess we have nothing more to talk about. I hope you'll find your happiness."

I've found her already, Yen, and she'll always be you. However, I only manage to say, "Bye. Take care."

I watch her for a while, but my heart aches so much as I stare into her retreating figure. So, I turn right away and head to my room. I always have a personal space in every branch of my coffee shops, which I also use as my office. And aside from a desk and a shelf, I also have a bed and a bathroom.

I quickly remove my clothes, leaving only my boxers. I need cool water to douse the raging fire within me. Because I have been drowning my sorrows with overwork, I have forgotten this part about me. And I don't want to think about it. I have already forgotten that my needs as a man still exist. All because I have failed in this aspect.

I pull out a towel from my closet, remove my undies, then toss it into a laundry basket. All I can see at the back of my mind is Yen, and everything I hear is her voice.

As I am about to turn to the bathroom, the door to my room creaks open. I glance over my shoulder, and I see Yen rooted to the spot. She gapes at my nakedness, then looks away.

"I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you that James Mori is now sentenced to some years of imprisonment. For your peace of mind."

Seeing her there, I suddenly lost my mind. I take wide strides to get to her, then cup her face right away.

"Serves him right," I say, staring at her mouth.

I feel her stiffening, but I ignore that. Instead, I claim her lips in a hungry kiss.

I miss her. I long for her. And I am still hurting because of her.

"Zed, no," she says, pushing me away. But I'm already too carried away to listen to her.

I kiss her hard, running my hands all over her body. I don't know what has gotten into me, but I just can't stop.

"I miss you, dear. So much," I murmur between my kisses.

"Zed," she tries to speak again, but I ignore her until she stops fighting. I've never been so aggressive before. And this must have surprised her.

I even dare to lift her and place her on the bed without stopping the kiss. Her eyes grow wide as soon as her back lands on the soft cushion of the bed. She even attempts to sit up, but I push her back.

"Zed, stop this." But her request falls on deaf ears. I continue kissing her like it's my last day on earth.

And because she's wearing an A-Line dress, it was easy for me to slip it off her head. I unhook her bra while my tongue dances with hers. I know this is sin, but I can't help indulging myself in this free moment with her. She invades my privacy while I'm in a state of burning need, so she can't blame me for this.

I go deeper, removing the last piece of her covering. To my surprise, she stops resisting but never responding. I don't care. Maybe, she never expects this side of me.

I run my tongue downward, exploring again those areas I have missed for years. I steal glances at her, and I see that she closes her eyes. I remember her requests in the past – and that is to take her slowly.

And that's exactly what I am doing. I make slow circles around her cups with my mouth until I capture its tips. I stay long there, moving from one begging mound to another – an act I never did in the past. I haven't forgotten that I used to annoy her by latching on her nips directly, even skipping the foreplay because I was afraid I couldn't get inside her.

I couldn't get inside because I went limp after short foreplay. Premature Ejaculation Syndrome – that was my weakness.

And now, here I am, running my tongue and my hands ever so slowly until I reach her thing between her thighs. I used to lick her there directly, but now I'm doing it according to her wishes in the past. And I go on leisurely until she arches her hips. Then, the moment my mouth closes on her clit, I finally hear her moans.

I get excited; I feel happier. When I feel her nails sinking into my shoulders, I suck her harder until her legs trembles in my arms.

Nothing makes me more excited than seeing my manhood in full erection after I spend a long time re-exploring Yen. I position myself between her legs, pulling her closer to me. And finally, I feel triumphant as I slide inside her.

I look into her eyes, and I find her also staring at me. Perhaps, she wants to know if I am healed already. I'm not also sure, but I'm going to know soon. I get in and out slowly, mentally counting how many times I push inside her.

One, two, three...eighteen, nineteen... Oh, dear. I can't believe it! I last this long. I couldn't even reach five before.

When I reach the twentieth, I grin. I'm healed, at last!

I feel Yen's hands clawing my legs this time, though she doesn't say anything. And I know she wants me to do it faster and harder.

I indeed slam deeper and harder, but still, I can hold back the urge to come. I change our position, flipping her over. She gets tighter this way, so it makes me eager to take longer. Only when I feel her shaking again, do I think to go faster and get my release.

"Ahhh!" I groan as I tremble, feeling the squirts I unloaded inside her. A sense of joy spreads in my heart.

"You're healed. Finally!" Yen says, smiling.

This surprises me. I presume she's going to hate me for this, but she doesn't. I hug her tight as soon as I pull out, my tears suddenly rolling down my face.

"Thank you, dear, but I won't say sorry because I'm not," I tell her.

"I owe you, Zed. That's why I stop resisting. Now that I know you are healed, I can already rest from my guilt. You know this is wrong; I don't have to remind you. And this is the last time I am seeing you."

"I know."

"I'm leaving the country to stay with dad in Japan."

I stay silent for a while. "Is it because of me?"

Suddenly, I feel guilty. I disturb her peace, so maybe she's leaving the country to avoid me.

"No. I'm taking over his business."

Yes, I remember. She has just reminded me that she's the sole heiress of Mr. William's businesses.

I heave out a sigh in relief. "How do your adoptive parents accept Mr. Williams?"

She purses a smile before answering, "Mama has been crying for months, but eventually, she has accepted that my biological father has surfaced."

"I can relate to her," I smile bitterly, although our case is different. Her parents lose their right to her as parents, while I lose mine as her husband. But whatever way it is, I know it also hurt them like hell.

She doesn't reply, and guilt is written on her face.

"Zed, what happens now is between us only. I know I had betrayed you in the past, but this is not how you should get even with Kim."

"Yen, I still love you."

Her eyes dart open. "Don't. Don't do this to yourself."

She rises from the bed and puts on her clothes. Then, she takes a lingering look at me before she goes out of the door.

I may have wanted to stop her, but I know I shouldn't. Yen may mean so much to me, but she belongs only to my past. And whether I like it or not, I know I should leave the past behind and move on to a new beginning.