Chapter 5 HEARTS AT STAKE - FIVE

HEARTS AT STAKE - FIVE

"The next speaker will be of the cloth. We definitely know he and his wife are wearing clothes. He is of the cloth. I and my wife are wearing clothes. We are not of the cloth. Help me by getting to your feet, clap your hands, shout and ululate if you like as we welcome United Methodist Church in Zimbabwe, the right reverend Jealous and Mrs. Jane Banda," the guest host had said.

Martin, Sandra and others couples gave a clap offering. The late aged couple took the podium.

"Greeting to you all beloved of the Lord. Amen!"

Jane Banda started with the cordless microphone. The voice was a little hoarse with age but authoritative all the same. The couples chorused their responses.

"The reverend likes those microphones he doesn't hold. He gets quickly excited. He throws all hands into the air. If they were feet, I would have been wearing plaster casts," Jane had said to the technicians manning sound.

She selected a seat partaking of it while her husband, Jealous took the podium. She sat cross legged looking up at her tall and gangly man giving a speech. He did not like cordless microphones for nothing. He liked holding onto the podium with both hands.

"While the technical guys bring in a real microphone, let's sing Jesus, lover of my soul," Reverend Jealous had started. "It's not that I hate microphones. The last time I drank from a saucer, it crashed to the left. The cup oh my goodness, I only rescued its handle. Beside I am yet to fathom a way of talking using both hands and a corded or cordless microphone at the same time. If you do find a way, let my Bishop know. I know he will be impressed."

After the song he continued. "What is marriage?"

Several answers came up.

"It's the union of a man and a woman," someone suggested.

"Is it that of your husband and his sister?" asked the reverend.

"Non-relatives."

"It's the union of a strange man and a strange woman to make a familiar couple within the marital laws of God and man," someone suggested.

"Wonderful," the reverend applauded. "Another?"

"Creation of husband and wife by two unrelated species of people whose union is recognised at law and by God."

"Thank you for your theories and theorems," the Reverend said. "The last time they talked of theorems was when I flunked Pythagoras's mathematical theorem. Marriage was instituted by God and not men. Let's read Genesis 2 verse 18. The wonderful thing is that God created everything else. He called his creations beautiful. Then he made MAN in his own image. Does that mean God is as ugly as I am? "

"No," the wife replied. "He looks like you in spirit."

A man rose with an open Bible reading: - "Shall I read man of God?"

"Yes child of the highest God."

"Genesis 2.18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."

"God started with a man," Reverend Jealous said. "Are there any men in here?"

"Yes sir!"

"The Lord started with you. You were the original human creation and still are. You were the beginning of the human race. All right, all you men look at your ladies. Stand up like paratroopers going for a free fall jump. Look at the ladies and smile.

"However, you were looking pathetic, dishevelled, lonely, untidy, messy, scruffy, uncombed, unkempt, bedraggled, grubby, slovenly, frayed, frowzy, untidy, inefficient, calloused, horny, skin was wrinkled, rough skinned, piggish, under fed surviving on berries and roots ______," here he had to stop to allow the laughter and whistles to cease. "Stand down gentlemen!"

The gentlemen sat down with hoots of laughter, cat calls and whistles. The ladies were cheering and clapping their hands in agreement.

"Tell them pastor."

"You should have looked worse than Tarzan with the Apes. Your hair should have appeared like a spider's web complete with small insects in it like lice. I want to believe. As to bathing, mama mia the Gihon and Euphrates should have been for playing with fish, crocodiles and reptilian animals."

"Tell them father."

"Bless you son," the reverend had continued. "Should I continue ladies and gents?"

"Yes!"

"Wait until he starts touching the ladies," his wife had said.

There were cheers and choruses of accent.

"The Lord first made man. He wanted to create the better part of man from the ribs. God is all seeing and all powerful. He knows the past and the future right to the end of the world. He knew what we would be doing here before we even came here. He already knew when He formed men of the dust of the Earth that He needed to form a woman. Mark my words, man was and is a fine specimen. However, ask Wilbur Smith or Nobel Peace Prize laureate Woye Soyinka, I am not blaspheming however fact is fact, the first draft is not the best, period.

"The first prototype of a vehicle, motor cycle, armoured vehicle or a mine utility vehicles is always the worst. It has to be tested rigorously with rectification of errors before it goes into mass production. Man was the first prototype! He wasn't near the best yet God called him good."

There was laughter. Martin stood up and made cat calls with other men clapping their hands in agreement. He was enjoying this message. It was taking root in his unreligious heart.

"Man was the first draft. Woman was the second draft. That baby that created all of us was the final and the best draft ever. None of us here are beautiful. That woman you are looking at is a second draft not the best. The man you married is the first and bad draft!"

"Utter boy," his wife said.

"That is why men are heinous, scandalous, dreadful and pathetic in appearance than women. Babies reflect the beauty of the Heavens and the angels. Let that beautiful baby boy grow. Soon he will start growing into a monster with a hairy chest and a beard. The voice appears as if someone failed to fit a silencer in his voice box. The women grow up and change voices.

"You will be mistaken when that young woman sings to think she is a bird. The reason beautiful women fall for us men is God did not ordain marriage between women and women in Genesis 1 and 2 otherwise we would have remained lonely and threatened with extinction. Eve did not have a choice but to fall in love with Adam on first sight. Some do even today, they fall in love at first sight. If you have sex on the first date you see them, you are worse than a dog."

"Halleluyah!"

"He did not create man from flesh but from the Earth. That is why men need a woman. She is a creation of the flesh. That is why men need to bath three times a day. You were made of soil. Woe to a man if caught in the rain. Especially if he has been smoking or drinking home-made wine or beer. That is why men smell like the brewery after a beer drink. Woe to a physically impaired person who is standing there. A man drunken with opaque traditional beer and a truck carrying the same pass the physically sight challenged men on opposite sides. That person will be hard pressed to identify a delivery truck or the drinker of its contents. If a drunkard is standing by a beer drinking den, he can't identify the beer den or its occupants. They basically smell the same. Let a man who was smoking pure tobacco get drenched in the rains. You will feel sorry for the nostrils of the non-smokers. Women, without perfume, smell like a field of lilies. Now, marriage was instituted by God to bring harmony to men. Are you there men?"

Cheers.

"Keep the wife of your youth if you dare agree with him," the pastor's wife replied. "If you can't do that you are not living up to God's word."

"Amen! That is a sensible thing to say," the reverend replied.

"Don't say the only sensible thing I ever said because _______," she didn't finish.

"Ma'am, the children are listening," the reverend had replied. The sound carried well.

"Because I am your first wife," she replied. "Were they others before me?"

"I can't remember ma'am," the pastor turned to his wife. "I received a hat with a list of names. I picked one out of six which happens to be you."

"Sir, the children are listening," she concluded.

"Right all the gents get up!" The Reverend was on fire burning with the passion of the word. "Let's read first this verse Genesis 2 v 21 to 23 which reads, 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

"Halleluyah! "

"Amen!"

"Listen gentlemen, your source of health is the Lord who closed up His fist upon Adam's rib. He breathed into it. He gave His Word. It became flesh. He breathed. The rib became your wife. Look at your wife and tell her you are wonderfully, fearfully, joyfully, incredulously and greatly made."

That was done.

"You can sit for a while. The Lord Himself brought the woman to the man. Adam looked at Eve and missed his step. The Bible does not say he fell into a drainage ditch but he did. I tell you what I saw. He went into the dirty and murky waters. He came out looking at Eve as the waters carried him away. A hippo probably stopped his journey out. Added to which sin had not yet been introduced to the world hence men didn't die even of drowning.

"Adam must have doubled back, howling with glee to watch Eve standing there before him. He should have heard his heart skipping beats. I think he hyper ventilated looking at his woman. His eyes bulged out like red cider wine. Straight away the Bible records that Adam started prophesying about bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. After the prophecy, he day dreamed looking at her royal highness. I think he worshipped the Lord big time. I think the giraffes, the elephants, the kudus, the impalas, the crocodiles, the swans, the bears and even the yellow robins must have serenaded the two human creations. That was before sin befell the world.

"The Lord Himself blessed the union of man and woman. He did not bless the gigolo who looks after a harem of women who mate with other men. Neither did he bless the Avenues woman who marries in the evening for a fee and divorces in the morning. He did not bless them that take short bursts of pleasure with each customer as many as humanly possible. He did not bless the prostitute and her harem of men or the flirt and her men friends who grow pregnant without knowing who the father is from the many they entertained.

"He did not bless the stud who mates with three to four women a day parading his sexual exploits on dark or blue movies. Remove the Devil incarnate from the stud. He won't last twice in a night. He did not bless what we read in the daily newspapers. A single men in the villages marrying fourteen women and having a busload of children whose names he stammers to say. If we all men here had six wives each with eight children for each man, how overpopulated would be this site, Miranda Hills Resort?"

"The septic tank would be full in a week!"

"The school head would have a seizure!"

"You see a queue of people waiting to use the same person. That is not a human being. That is a public toilet or a train bus. You are dealing with a demon. A proper person with proper functions cannot have two people in the same night. A proper person without a demonic spirit cannot make love six times in a night. FLEE public toilets, couples. Don't be a public toilet."

"Amen!"

"Of all the sins, sexual immorality is the one where you use your body either in premarital sex which is fornication. The other side is extra marital affairs which is adultery. You say it is part of your culture to satisfy your whim on other women. If another man does that with your wife do you call it culture?" That was a question with a question mark.

"Amen!"

"Answer me MEN. Do you call it culture when you find your wife sexually explicit with other men? If she poops out another man's baby, do you call it culture? Where was our culture when we read the Bible? So if you say you are a forthright Christian, where does Diana and Susan extra to your wife come in? Do you know there is no curse of poverty only that we select ways that draw us back? A farmer does well tilling his land. He sells his cash crops. The next thing he wants three wives! Why do farmers elsewhere in the world like Russia, China, Canada and USA use equipment to increase production instead of marrying more wives?

"You are so observant of your culture. Which part of your culture tells you not to pick up your socks or wash and dry them out? The moment a son starts working away from home, he wants a woman to clean house. Is that part of your culture to start living with women when a son starts working?

"Barely out of the crib and you want a woman to clean your one roomed house. You were taught men talk of women, football, pool and other sports not hold the broom or mop? It is anathema in your 'culture' for boys and men to wash the dishes, wash their own clothes including socks? You are also parading the laziness of your daughters by insisting on maids where your daughters and sons should work. The maid cleans the house including their bedrooms while they play computer games. What about thinking of the next chess move while holding a broom handle? You are creating a generation of lazy good for nothing nincompoops.

"You are creating sons who can't cook or clean the dishes they have used worse still pick up the same dishes. However, I like modern tradition which is stamping over our so called African upbringing and culture. It's no longer normal to hear of a couple whose husband works in town while the woman stays in the rural areas. In our time it was uncommon for the reverse to happen. Another plus to the couples issue is the slow withdrawal of the polygamous marriages.

"Let them and the art of having a wife in the rural areas while the husband works in town die a natural dearth. You should never encourage a situation where the male breadwinner works for two months without visiting the rural area where the wife is. If a septic tank is full to the brim, how do you keep flushing into it? It needs to be emptied. Every tank should be emptied conveniently within the marital union. This is the reason why AIDS and STIs were imported into the poverty prone rural areas. If you cannot contain, keep your wife where you can see her every day. Woe betide the rural tenement, let it go like a hippo being tossed by the flooded Zambezi River if it means separating married people.

"Nonsense. Men, take the hand of your wife. On your marks," the Reverend looked sideways at his host. His wife rose dutifully for her late age. He continued looking at his host while holding hands with his wife. "Say after me until I say off quote."

"Off quote," someone shouted from within the gathering.

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